• Tuesday, August 16 4:26 a.m. Armed with a flashlight, a backwards baseball cap and a crazy dream, a man grubbed through the recycling at a Courtyard Circle apartment complex.
3:54 p.m. Surly sidewalk slumpers again heaped up in front of a vacant storefront on H Street, which is why it’s vacant.
• Wednesday, August 17 6:08 a.m. The heights of hubris were described by a camper on 15th Street, whose tent was set up in someone’s front yard.
11:20 a.m. The bearded swearingman at the library wore a fashionable urban guerilla-style camouflage hat, so it was as if all those bad words were erupting out of some invisible piehole suspended in middle space.
3:02. pm. A terrible driver at 14th and G streets was “all over the roadway” and cutting other drivers off. Perhaps most vexing though was his liberal use of obscene hand gestures at his victims – as though they, not he, were at fault! Oh, the injustice.
6:15 p.m. The Pony of Mystery, diminutive in stature and unknown of provenance, appeared once again, poofing into meta-existence on our material plane – specifically, the intersection of Trails 8 and 9 in the Arcata Community Forest. That’s not far from recent yak sightings and the hellholian, debris-themed encampment the yaks’ surly herders had fashioned. Even though he’s a bit dinky to strap a big saddle or blanket on, anyway, the plucky pygmy pony is the closest thing we have to a unicorn going on around here except for them no-fun yakholes’ fuzzy charges, so we’re gonna ride this small-tiny horse for all it’s worth.
7:04 p.m. More yelling ’twixt a man and woman out by the marsh’s historic Breakfast Club clearing.
7:21 p.m. A woman on H Street happened to notice a thin person crouched in her backyard. On tapping the window, the hunkered figure sprang to its feet and slithered away.
• Thursday, August 18 1:49 p.m. A Leon Lane resident noticed two gray/cream-colored cats on their front porch.
2:13 p.m. A man with a scarred face was seen peering into vehicles on Samoa Boulevard. Confronted, he threatened to beat up a witness.
3:14 p.m. Yelling, now with lemon-freshened* crashing sounds, was heard on Poplar Drive.
5:21 p.m. A jolly funtime party van pulled up along the strip of small retail shops along the 900 block of Ninth Street, disgorging its contents. Before long, there were something like 10 goodtimers, chugging booze as their pooches freely pranced ’n’ shat about the sidewalk. They were moved along so commerce could proceed, as in, survive.
5:28 p.m. A solo alchemist parked in front of a Fifth Street business self-administered unknown liquids from some small, clear bottles and a can.
11:23 p.m. A bald man in all black exposed his revolting reproductive apparatus to an innocent passerby near the downtown fire station, then bolted toward the transit center.
• Friday, August 19 4:36 a.m. A car thief made off with some sweet wheels on Alliance Road. Adorned with an Oakland Raiders sticker, the car also sported a broken right rear taillight.
11:35 a.m. A woman in a flowery dress worn over blue jeans strode through a Valley West parking lot, the questionable fashion acumen and death threats both advertising a certain ill intent toward humanity.
1:49 p.m. A bicycle was stolen out of a Bayside Road backyard.
3:42 p.m. Someone driving near 13th and H streets was sideswiped by a silver Chrysler 300.
8:10 p.m. A face-tattooed man was said to be acting strangely near the Marsh Interpretive Center.
11:31 p.m. A fat guy in a hoodie on a skateboard outside a Valley West liquor store somehow radiated credibility sufficient to garner a substantial cash donation as he impersonated someone else, pretending to act on behalf of a friend who he said was in “lots of trouble.” A credulous citizen gave the wheeled galoot some $250 in fungible presidential portraits, which he pocketed, and rolled away to possibly ponder further fraudu-lanthropy.
• Saturday, August 20 9 a.m. A man in a camouflage hat swigged breakfast booze from an open container outside the downtown fire station. At first he wouldn’t move along, but eventually succumbed as they always do.
7:48 a.m. A 78-year-old diabetic lady on Quarter Way was bleeding uncontrollably, and soon ambulance sirens were screaming her way.
11:29 a.m. A 25-year-old woman at 14th and Union streets was in extreme rib pain and vomiting blood, so an ambulance was duly dispatched.
12:02 p.m. Wasps swarmed a maple tree on Ninth Street. Three messages were left for the Humboldt Beekeeping Association, there being no local waspkeeping group.
12:08 p.m. A guy in a bar made a “lewd comment” to a bouncer, always a bad career move. He was shocked-shocked at the forceful insta-retribution when the big feller pushed him in the back.
2:18 p.m. A Valley West motel lodger called 911 for a taxicab. He was told that he had called the police department that he should call, you know, a taxi company?
3:06 p.m. A woman reported that she was still bruised from a few days previous, when her ex-boyfriend had broken into her home and beat her up. She didn’t report it at the time, but had gotten a restraining order.
4:59 p.m. Car repair activity in Tina Court couldn’t be contained on one parts-scattered front yard, what with that car up on blocks taking up so much space. Now the repairs had spilled out into the street.
5:20 p.m. A shirtless man with “unknown pants” was reported swinging a machete at the ground in a field on Alliance Road.
6:59 p.m. Another man who’d forewent upper body clothing wandered in and out of Valley West stores, finally settling on a bleak loading dock area to harass someone.
9 p.m. A warrant-wanted man was arrested on the Plaza.
9:17 p.m. A man wearing an army jacket but of dubious military status stood near a bank’s ATM machines, importuning customers for their money on the rather tenuous premise that it should be his money.
10:51 p.m. Four traveler-hobbyists resourcefully amused themselves with available materials, their creative re-use based on heaving debris at passing vehicles at Ninth and G streets.
11:46 p.m. An “older” (than what?) man has been living in a vehicle of some sort on Fourth Street, making women who live nearby nervous.
*Gratuitous embellishment (included at no extra charge).