Mad River Union
ARCATA, APRIL 1 – The City of Arcata’s newly formed Department of Naval Engineering is continuing construction on a state-of-the-art ark at the Corp Yard in response to the latest concerning models of sea level rise.
Community Development Director David Loya optimistically interpolates the latest models and projections to read “…impending doom.”
At a special meeting scheduled for April 1, 2018, the Arcata City Council will discuss whether or not to include a gazebo on the Ark’s main deck.
“The Plaza originally had a gazebo on it so I think it’s a fitting amenity for the ark,” said City Manager Karen Diemer.
There are still many other considerations to be made about which additional amenities should be included while under construction.
After an all-night study session where, due to the butcher paper shortage, participants were forced to write directly on Council Chamber walls, the council decided to form a special committee to suggest which amenities should take priority.
The committee will consist of just 40 members so as to not become unwieldy, and will be selected by throwing darts at pages randomly torn out of a phone book.
“Time is of the essence so we thought forming a small committee would be the most efficient,” Commented Arks and Evacuation Director Mark Andre.
An old-timey sailor has frequented council meetings and insists that as the ark grows in size and weight, the draft of the vessel will exceed the 40 foot depth of Humboldt Bay leaving it unable to reach open sea.
“Aargh, mateys” the grizzled seaman said as he manipulated a slide rule while at the public podium. “By my calculations, this here ark will be sittin’ over 50 foot deep in the water!”
He added that the sea, she is a fickle mistress.
Senior Shipwright Doby Class says construction is coming along as scheduled and anticipates the ark to come in far over budget.
A ButchCo Industries representative at the council meeting said that the vessel would best be used to store hoards of paper rolls, calling them essential to humanity's survival.