Arcata rebrands as open-air vintage furniture emporium

SEALED THE DEAL City Manager Lurleen Florbinger with the new, post-McKinley, furniture-aware City of Arcata seal, traditionally known as “the potato.” Torg/KLH | Union AF

Ned Schneebly
Mad River Union AF

ARCATA, April 1 – Seeking to solve two problems in one stroke, the City of Arcata has eliminated William McKinley from its official seal and replaced it with something that more accurately reflects the city’s present status – that of an open-air furniture showroom.

ADORABLE An X-ray of an unborn recliner found at Cropley Way and Hilfiker Drive, still in its embryonic sac. KLH | Union AF

With discarded couches, chairs, lamps, clothing and other casualties of house moving popping up every morning on Arcata’s streetcorners – often topped with a “FREE” sign, the City Council voted last week to make it official – Arcata is your furniture showroom of choice, as depicted in its official seal. The newly revised “potato” replaces the old statue at the Plaza’s center with a heapin’ helpin’ of furniture.

“We think this will draw in those looking both for previously loved household furnishings and biodynamic quinoa tots,” said City Manager Lurleen Florbinger.

The furniture-featuring effort paid off right away, with swarms of groundscore-seeking visitors from elsewhere seen swarming streetcorners and greedily gathering up the dingy dish drainers and tilting CRT computer monitors.

The plan went awry, however, when it was discovered that businesses in the Cannabis Innovation Zone were sending out workers to gather up all the bongwater-soaked couches in order to extract the rich accumulations of THC.

The distilled “sofabinoids” soon began to appear in local cannabis dispensaries, branded as “Kouch Kush,” "End Table Nurple" and “Household Haze.”

Humboldt Baykeeper reported “concerns,” and is "monitoring the situation.”

DIVAN VOICES The Raging Grannies Youth Ensemble (RGYE) helped herald Arcata’s rebranding as an open-air furniture emporium with a round of rousing, repurposed classic rock songs at last week’s kickoff event. Tunes included, “Here, There, and Every Chair,” “Smoke on the Sofa,” “Free Box,” ”Stairway to Headboard,” and “Mattress and a Bottle.” The RGYE is available for special occasions such as birthday parties, ribbon cuttings, public meetings and Valentunes. In fact, you may not even need to hire them, since they make a practice of showing up and putting themselves in the spotlight, especially when cameras are around. “We can take any event or issue, silly, serious or solemn, and make it all about us,” said Grumbla Grimm-Green, RGYE tenor screecher. KLH | Union AF

 







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