• Monday, April 26 9:36 a.m. An alcove slumper snoozed amid a swirling Sargasso Sea of personal debris in the entranceway to a defunct H Street business once patronized by Elvis Costello. An officer soon bestirred and dislodged him from his seamy sepulcher. Welcome to the working week.
9:48 a.m. More gravity victims well-ensconced in the east side entrance area at the Community Center couldn’t be bothered to move to make way for a COVID vaccine injecto-fest, the greater good of a healthy populace not being sufficiently motivating for the ignoble savages to move their collective ass. A blue-clad grownup came along and inconvenienced the clump of slumpers.
1:09 p.m. In a bold daylight quest for a statistically likely unsecured door, a slithy tove in highly reputable camouflage jacket and backpack tried apartment doors along L.K. Wood Boulevard, running his predatory paws over a succession of doorknobs.
2:13 p.m. Rambling nonsensically happens, and with reliable frequency.
6:40 a.m. As a woman walked near a Marsh bike path, a cohort of trailside leisure-barbarians noted her passage with grunts and growls, as incoherent as they were aggressive. “That’s the girl! We’re going to grab her and throw them on the ground,” declared the opprobrious oafs, displaying impressive courage against women out walking alone.
7:23 p.m. An older gentleman, loosely defined, bearing abundant tresses and facial hair and who resides in a roadside RV in Valley West, wandered over to a nearby motel to argue with another man. Despite advertising his mighty firearm, he vowed instead to sunder his foe by “breaking all the bones in his body.”
9:03 p.m. As a cadre of garrulous gadabouts loudly convened in a Valley West field, a report flooded in that the primary topic of discussion was committing violence against each other. Police waded into the tatterdemalion tinderbox and ran IDs, coming back with an arrest warrant, for which another meaningless citation was issued.
• Tuesday, April 27 2:15 a.m. A succession of unwell down-and-outers made their sad and sometimes dangerous mark upon this day, beginning with the man in front of an F Street store who was wrapped in a lime green blanket, holding his head and bleeding from some unknown wound.
7:24 a.m. People seeking morning motivation at a Ninth and G street coffee dispensary had first to navigate an argumentative fusspot with a red sweater and an overclocked amygdala.
7:54 a.m. A man on some sort of spectrum, if not all of them including visible light with his green hat, red jacket and multi-color shoes, slurred his speech as he began to disrobe at a Community Park health club, and no one wanted to see that.
10:25 a.m. A troubled man wandered the grounds of a Sunny Brae church, muttering nonsensically.
10:38 a.m. A shirtless woman carrying a bunch of clothing was interviewed in a Fifth Street parking lot.
11:42 a.m. A man with a “Blue Jack Purple bag” and a mullet-style hairdo brought these formidable assets to the Plaza’s center, which he may have mistaken for an open-air argument clinic. But he couldn’t seem to get buy-in on his conflictuous tendencies from disinterested passersby, who wisely retained their innocence.
12:35 p.m. A man wearing headphones and a blue vest outside a Bayside Road school reverse-entertained the student body by striking the school’s sign with a large metal pipe, arguing with himself and not necessarily prevailing in the argument.
12:55 p.m. A shirtless man at an E Street storage yard was invited to take his leave.
3:17 p.m. Another self-debater in a 13th Street parking lot was moved along.
3:59 p.m. A man went into a G Street bank to withdraw money from his account, but without any identification. He was able to verify his PIN and get $100, but came back later for still more fundage. But he couldn’t answer his own security questions, didn’t remember his grandma’s cat’s middle name or whatever, and a second withdrawal was denied. Just to maximize his energy-sucking unreasonableness, the mystery man stopped by the manager’s desk to dispense a parting unpleasantry. “I haven’t robbed a bank in over 13 years,” he quipped. “Maybe I should bring back that profession.” Or maybe, just maybe, even though it sounds far-fetched… he could carry ID?
4:19 p.m. Marching, or in this case standing still to his own internal percussionist, a maskless man blocked the busy sidewalk outside the Post Office.
4:50 p.m. A woman lying on a pillow at the end of someone’s Bayside Cutoff Road driveway said she’s been assaulted in some unspecified manner, and refused to move or leave.
4:51 p.m. An unknown tinkerer busied her, him or themself uninstalling the sign at a Bayside Road lodge building, helpfully leaving it and the screws which once secured it on the ground.
5:30 p.m. A possibly booze-infused driver in a Valley West parking lot may have been trying to ram another guy’s car with his.
6:31 p.m. A woman’s ex paid a visit to her apartment building’s parking lot, his mission in life: to kick her car.
6:36 p.m. At Wilson Street and Grant Avenue, a man dragged and beat his yelping dog.
6:51 p.m. Further bolstering the case for abolishing males, a hairless, brown-shorted representative of this increasing disreputable gender threw rocks on Valley West Boulevard and attempted to argue with whomever randomly entered his roadside sphere of influence.
7:20 p.m. A woman in a purple jacket and maroon pants went into a motel on the same street and reported an assault, but declined medical attention.
7:21 p.m. Same street, different lodging facil: a bald woman with a red beanie just won’t stay out of a classy hotel’s bathroom.
8:17 p.m. A woman with a heavily laden shopping cart threw stuff into the street from behind a G Street business. She didn’t seem happy.
9 p.m. A shoeless, naked man stood outside the hospital ER for reasons unknown.
• Wednesday, April 28 1:34 a.m. A man with a plastic bag around his bleeding hand wanted to fight employees at a Heindon Road diner, but wandered off.
8 a.m. A man in a mechanic’s jumpsuit stood in the middle of G Street in Northtown, “boxing the air” and peering into area vehicles.
9:07 a.m. This time, the Bayside Road lodge’s sign wasn’t just daintily removed, but fully annihilated.
11:28 a.m. A woman threw her luggage out of a Valley West motel’s window, as one does.
• Thursday, April 29 1 a.m. A squirrel became lodged in an F Street vehicle’s motor.
9:16–9:24 a.m. A van camper found the perfect place to let his cat rove freely – the bird sanctuary.
For reasons not fully apparent
A home from which loud drums were blarin’
Just wouldn’t tone down
Persisting to pound
Embracing the street’s name of “Karen”
12:59 p.m. Foregoing the popular and always-enchanting throwing-dog-poop-into-the-yard option, a Grant Avenue resident instead sent a letter to a noisy neighbor that sounded threatening.
1:17 p.m. Prickly landscaping at Sunset Avenue and Wilson Street included a box from which used syringe needles invitingly protruded.
8:40 p.m. A 14th Street resident theorized that her roommate was blasting her stereo, using it as a sort of directed energy weapon just to antagonize her.
• Friday, April 30 11:07 a.m. A catalytic converter was stolen right off a car parked on Anina Way.
On a Valley West resident’s terrace
A singer sang songs that embarrassed
And introduced anguish
Due to adult language
That decent folk couldn’t quite cherish
3:07 a.m. A 14th Street apartment dweller complained that her roommate had brought strangers into their home to serve as guards who would protect the roommate from her.
5:50 p.m. A red-shirted man either method acting an imitation of a dumbkoff or collecting YouTube footage with which to advertise certain imbecilic tendencies refused to wear a mask or leave a 13th Street store.
• Saturday, May 1 1:50 a.m. A woman said her daughter’s boyfriend had torn apart her couch for man reasons and that while she was on the phone with her, he assaulted her and she yelled “Help! Help! Help!” just before the line went dead, as though he was choking her unconscious. In a coordinated effort, mom arranged for daughter to hide the family firearms, then police safely went over and arrested bad boyf on a domestic violence charge.
4:31 a.m. An F Street resident’s roommate came home, walked into her bedroom and punched her in the nose two times.
8:30 a.m. A rueful laugh is the only possible reaction to travelers thinking they could leave one red and one green bike in a rack on their vehicle out in a Valley West value-priced motel’s parking lot, and have them still be there in the morning.
12:31 p.m. A catalytic converter was detached and stolen from a vehicle on Foster Avenue.
G Street ear owners were scarred
When a minstrel abused a guitar
His stringed tormentations
With wailings what weren’t wunderbar
12:56 p.m. A catalytic converter was stolen from a vehicle on Wilson Street.
5:15 p.m. A bag of items was stolen from a Valley West store, and the chase was on. The culprit was last seen fleeing down the second-floor hallway of a nearby motel.
56 p.m. Another fleet-footed shoplifter in a yellowish beaniestole a “bag of alcohol” from an I Street store and set a course for the Plaza.
7:29 p.m. A man with a noose tattooed on his face invited Ninth Street users to argue with him, one possible debate topic being body art choices.
5:35 p.m. Still another tinkerer meddled with a F Street fire hydrant until motivated along.
11:34 p.m. Gunshots rang out in a field near a Valley West motel, followed by the sounds of folks “making a ruckus.”
• Sunday, May 2 5:25 a.m. A J Street resident had previously noticed people tampering with a neighbor’s Prius, and now the catalytic converter harvesters were back. They left the scene in a full-sized white pickup truck headed eastbound until pulled over by APD and arrested on grand theft charges.
25 a.m. “Get out! Get out! Get out!” yelled a woman on the east end of Redwood Avenue for 20 minutes or so, with men howling in the background. Then suddenly, all was still.
7:54 a.m. A woman found presents and a note on her porch, left by a man whose attention was unwanted. She returned the gifts but he keeps contacting her. She’s looking into a restraining order situation, but meanwhile wanted police to warn him away.
11:32 a.m. A man hit objects with a machete at 17th and G streets, and yelled of course.
12:02 p.m. A catalytic converter was stolen off a vehicle on F Street overnight.
2:24 p.m. A catalytic converter... you know the rest. Foster Avenue.
4:09 p.m. And there’s one less catalytic converter in Westwood Court.
4:30 p.m. People were seen crawling on the ground unclothed and covered in bruises on Valley West Boulevard.
4:51 p.m. A gray-bearded man was seen spraying passersby with water and lighting dollar bills on fire on H Street. He was moved along.
5:17 p.m. A shaven-headed yellington wearing magenta tights and no shoes barked at passersby near the Community Center. His Drunkenness was arrested.
9:47 p.m. A restraining order didn’t stop a man from threatening to kill a woman and her daughter, and burn their house down.
• Monday, May 3 7:22 a.m. A J When she didn’t hear from her husband for two days, a woman called his cell phone and a woman answered it.
8:23 a.m. The dog in the yellow house keeps barking.
8:36–8:40 a.m. A heated he-she argument at 14th and G streets saw the two throwing things in the roadway.
5:20 p.m. A man offered a woman a place to stay on Eighth Street, but when she resisted his sexual advances, the non-gallant galoot threw her out. She wanted police help in getting her things back.
• Tuesday, May 4 5:57 a.m. A drunken fool outside a Uniontown supermarket offered to stab passersby with a machete, then sought ineffective cover by some propane tanks before becoming very arrested.