• Wednesday, August 14 8:26 p.m. Science has long been aware of the possible role of tasty baked goods, donuts specifically, in somehow enraging an outspoken minority of downtown leisure professionals. Now pies offer another correlation.
• Thursday, August 15 1:39 a.m. Imbecilic imprecations sullied the soundscape on Foster Avenue, courtesy of a self-appointed town crier with oratorical aspirations. Also, dude be yellin’.
2:29 a.m. A woman cast forth similarly shrieky assessments at 11th and Q streets.
9:05 a.m. A dog followed a cat into its own Buttermilk Court home and mauled it so badly it had to be put down, leaving the bereaved owner with $1,800 in veterinary bills.
10:16 a.m. Among the lower life forms at large in our world are they who steal employee tips.
12:48 p.m. A man in a blue car parked across from a preschool yelled and flipped off the staff, who hardly needed more tantrums to deal with.
8:03 p.m. A man toting a knife and sledge hammer who looked to be chemically altered leaned against cars in the marsh parking lot, as one does, his shirtless torso squershed up against the cold metal and glass. Oh, he hadn’t violated the vehicles, only knocked on the windows, also as one does, his armamentarium of blade and basher at the ready should any windows misbehave. Despite the leaning and knocking and flesh-squershing likely qualifying as some kind of protected speech, he was moved along, perhaps to locate a shirt at some point in his future or continue to make greasy torso prints on fungible-laden vehicles you may or may not be preparing to violate with your cudgel. As one does.
• Friday, August 16 12:25 a.m. If you worked at an historic Plaza lodging facility and saw a guest take a brazen pee out of the room window, what would you, a modern, morally evolved person do? Well, evict the waggling window whizzer of course, with help from APD.
8:27 a.m. A man stopped in at a G Street business office, helped himself to some food and a pen, then walked away.
11:42 a.m. A loose Bengal cat on Old Arcata Road reportedly killed several chickens and ducks.
1:40 p.m. A shirtless man made off with two large roasts from a 13th Street store.
1:46 p.m. Moments later, when a guy tried to rip off a soda, the staff at that same store was in no mood to let him off the hook.
2:30 p.m. A man in a green shirt was the latest to help kill the very thing he was enjoying by letting his dog run wild at the marsh. A marsh enthusiast reports that addressing owners about loose dogs usually results in a flurry of F bombs from their stupendously entitled masters.
1:36 p.m. A dog left in a hot car on Union Street attempted to burrow out through the cracked-open sunroof, but got stuck. The car and partly baked dog were gone when police arrived.
3:23 p.m. A man who changed his vehicle’s oil at a K Street car wash dumped the used oil into a storm drain – where it was flushed into Humboldt Bay via McDaniels Slough by the Marsh and Wildlife Sanctuary – and then tossed the oily used filter into the trash. The eco-ignoroid was caught and cited.
• Sunday, August 18 2:26 p.m. A bellow of inebriates huddled at Eighth and F streets, yelling “loudly” (as opposed to that quiet yelling) and conjuring their own fester-tivities with found objects by hurling rocks into the street.
2:12 p.m. Car doorhandle tryers aren’t even trying to hide their car-to-car campaigns any more. Daytime, nighttime, whatevs.
3:01 p.m. A mother was concerned that her child’s father, seated in a nearby vehicle in a store parking lot, was going to make a public scene. He doesn’t think her car is safe enough for their child to travel in.
• Monday, August 19 1:21 a.m. An old school doorhandle tryer upheld tradition and some measure of craftsmanship by working under cover of night on Janes Road, wearing dark clothing and using a flashlight as he artisanally slithied the toves.
3:23 p.m. An unwell woman beat her chest and complained of tachycardia at a Valley West bus stop. She attributed the condition to “radio waves implanted in her,” but we’ll never know since the responding medical personnel’s evaluation isn’t available.
• Tuesday, August 20 6:47 a.m. A parent discovered her juvenile daughter’s 18-year-old boyfriend in her bed. He took off down the way in a black sweatshirt as mom called the cops.