• Wednesday, March 13 11:42 a.m. Someone strolling by the corner of Buttermilk Lane and Beverly Drive heard yelling coming from a nearby garage. But not the oft-heard cries of inordinate rage over some quibblesome, fusspottian nanoaggression. No, this time someone had a genuinely weighty issue – a motorcycle lying on top of and pinning down an elderly gent. The passerby was able to lift the bike off the man and while he seemed OK, his rescuer thought someone might best look in on him to make sure.
• Thursday, March 14 7:08 a.m. When a Valley West Boulevardier answered their doorbell, it was a shoeless man claiming he’d been “slipped drugs” and needed to come in. After unsuccessfully trying to push his way in, the man wandered away.
• Sunday, March 17 4:36 a.m. While unloading luggage at the transit center, a Greyhound driver noticed someone boarding and locking themselves in the bus bathroom. The driver attempted to unlock and open the door by the 33rd seat to the doo-doo room with the reek replete, but it seemed like someone was holding it shut from inside.
• Wednesday, March 20 8:50 p.m. A man at a Community Park health club claimed he’d been assaulted because he was from Alaska.
• Saturday, March 23 12:30 a.m. Some special someone thought it a grand idea to blow a damn airhorn on the Plaza two nights in a row.
• Monday, April 1 7:39 p.m. After being bitten by an off-leash dog in the Sunny Brae Tract, a man reported the dog’s home address and said he’d talked to another hiker who’d also been chased by the medium-sized black and brown dog.
• Tuesday, April 2 10:59 a.m. A woman with red hair, a green jacket, blue jeans and red boots made off with a basket of stolen groceries from a Uniontown store, the loot including cheese and M&Ms.
• Wednesday, April 3 8:24 a.m. A woman who broke into a Valley West motel room overnight helped herself to the complimentary continental breakfast the next morning.
3:10 p.m. A man in his seventies sporting the classic beard ’n’ baseball cap combo plus “outdoor clothing” had already visited hostile aggression on Arcata’s ever-beleaguered passersby on previous occasions. This day was no exception, as he was reported attacking someone with “metal-tipped sticks” on I Street. The surly stick figure is known for carrying a clipboard, plus his distinct and unusual call, “What is the name for a bundle of sticks?!”
5:51 p.m. A super-drunk man sat in a truck near Carlson Park, not just stewed but sauced – the not-so-secret sauce being a generous coating of vomit, presumably his own.