• Wednesday, February 10 3:58 p.m. Social distancing? Smocial smistancing, said the crowded crowd of 25 to 30 common sense-disregarders mingling at optimal disease-transmission range of each other in Stewart Park, ignoring the sign to the contrary.
9:16–11:04 p.m. On H Street and at a Valley West motel, people behind on their car payments went out to drive off somewhere and found empty parking spaces where their repossessed wheels had been.
• Thursday, February 11 6:16 a.m. Two months after a set of tires and rims were stolen out of the back of a truck parked at an L Street old creamery building, they turned up on that list of Craig’s.
1:57 p.m. A man with writing on his face who wore multiple jackets stole a black electrified guitar and amplifier from the Plaza, then strode off up G Street carrying all that plus yet another guitar.
3:24 p.m. A woman said a man walked into her Stromberg Avenue house through an open patio door, then left by jumping out of a window.
9:55 a.m. The red baseball cap might’ve foretold the entirely unnecessary clash in which an aged backpacker refused to wear a mask inside a Sunny Brae supermarket, then mismanaged his anger all over the staff.
10:40 a.m. Still searching for strife, the red-hatted rager set up a sort of effrontery-based toll booth at Bayside Road and Crescent Way, where he argued with passing vehicles until urged otherwise.
• Thursday, February 18 4:19 a.m. A she-maskhole at a Heindon Road diner wouldn’t cover her face, which, along with everything it was attached to, was moved along.
• Friday, February 19 5:53 p.m. Roommate relations on 14th Street reached the throwing-things-and-restraining-order stage.
• Saturday, February 20 9:34 a.m. A roommate asked if it was an assault when his cohabitant spit in his face.
6:21 p.m. A man with goggles over his mouth was asked to leave a Uniontown supermarket.
• Sunday, February 21 7:24 p.m. A Sierra Way resident came home to find an extension cord running from an outside outlet at her house to her travel trailer, which was occupied by trespassers.
• Monday, February 22 2:25 a.m. A man in a Valley West Boulevard apartment was heard to say “I’m not putting my hands on you,” and sounds of thumping ensued.
10:26 a.m. A woman going through an ugly divorce found a tracking device on her car on the Plaza.
• Tuesday, February 23 8:22 a.m. A man was caught on video stealing bags of dog food from behind a Valley West business at 2 a.m.
• Wednesday, February 24 11:37 a.m. A 10th Street business had trouble getting a work computer back from a dismissed employee.
12:51 p.m. A red-haired man with a festive nose bandage went into a Valley West emporium and put on multiple layers of clothes that were on sale there. After walking out with merchandise tags visibly dangling from under his disreputable hoodie, he jumped on a bicycle and headed for the nearby tweaker-plagued shop(lift)ing center, where he was cited.
• Thursday, February 25 7:12 p.m. A short, beanie-topped man notified staff and customers at a Valley West restaurant of his intention to return later that night and stab them.
• Friday, February 26 3:08 p.m. An argument in a G Street home escalated to the point where the living room floor was newly furnished with corpuscles.
9:11 a.m. An unintentional experiment in which tools were left unlocked in the bed of a truck parked across the street from a homeless camp yielded predictable results.
1:03 p.m. As workers up on a scissor lift trimmed a spruce tree on 11th Street, a nearby lunatic climbed to the top of the tree to act out in lunatic-guy fashion, refusing to get down.
• Tuesday, March 2 4:39 p.m. A screaming man at Ninth and H streets trained fiery verbal wrath on two people who had fallen into disfavor: his girlfriend and the newborn infant whose diaper he was changing.
• Wednesday, March 3 10:24 a.m. A G Street restaurant’s neighbor was upset that they had opened their porch for outside dining. She addressed the issue by leaning over the fence and spitting liquid into a customer’s face.
• Thursday, March 4 2:21 p.m. A camouflage coat-wearing marsh trail hiker was well equipped for whatever nature-appreciation activity that required him to carry an eight-inch knife and a hammer.
• Friday, March 5 1:45 p.m.
A G Streeter wanted ejection
Of the unknown and unmasked collection
Of drummers quite feckless
Asked there by a reckless
Roommate unconcerned with infection
8:11 p.m. A woman walked into a J Street cultural facility, peed on the floor, slapped someone’s face and then walked across the street.
• Saturday, March 6 10:46 a.m. After refusing to wear a mask at a Westwood business and arguing about it, a man got one out of his truck but perpetuated the dispute with lewd remarks.