• Friday, November 1 8:55 a.m. A generator rustler made off with a juice unit from a formerly empowered Cedar Drive location.
10:40 a.m. A wanted person was extradited on a warrant out of a Northtown motel which, not being any sort of embassy, afforded him no protective diplomatic sovereignty.
10:51 a.m. A man throwing things with drunkenesque abandon outside an H Street home was moved along.
2:44 p.m. Most everyone is able to ride a bus on Giuntoli Lane without benefit of camouflage, a brandished knife and just-poured courage. They who somehow cannot are looking at a future rich in locking bracelets.
3:57 p.m. Men will be men, but do they have to do their manlies all over the Community Center parking lot, with the smoking and the yelling and the rambunctious testosteration? Naturally, one of the devil-may-care disruptos was wanted for crimey things, so what better way to bring official attention and arrest than with these sorts of manic mantics?
4:44 p.m. A Valley Wester was arrested for being drunk at a veterinary hospital.
6:03 p.m. A Zelia Courter had the courtesy to leave a car door unlocked for the next passing slithy tove, who dutifully sticky-fingered a laptop computer.
6:28 a.m. A Valley West motel lodger left her car door unlocked, making for gripping action footage when video surveillance was later reviewed. It captured a male slithy tove cringing behind a bush and then springing forth to give her vulnerable vehicle a thorough rummaging.
6:38 p.m. Two pigs oinked up the roadway at Stewart Avenue and Wyatt Lane, with more down the way at a porcine-friendly park.
7:50 p.m. A man in the ER waiting room grew dissatisfied with the pace of his treatment and came to regard the ambulances that were delivering patients who needed more immediate treatment as the root cause. A problem solver by nature, he hatched a super-sensible plan to shoot out the ambulances’ tires, thus liberating physicians to attend to his needs. When he openly discussed the dolt-abolical plot, another waiting roomer turned quisling on the loose-lipped saboteur and notified authorities.
• Saturday, November 2 1:34 p.m. Three drivers who may have marveled at their luck in finding such abundant parking downtown conveniently overlooked the white zone and mailboxes there.
3:15 p.m. A man wearing different-colored socks tried to use another credit card not in his name at a Valley West store. Rebuffed, he headed back toward the riverside badlands which somehow supply him with odd socks and other people’s plastic.
3:15 p.m. A man lingering behind a Westwood shopping center was fashionably attired in green cargo pants and a hypodermic needle, the latter dangling insouciantly from his arm. Told police were en route, he vowed to commit some sort of sexual activity on their arrival, as one does.
4:04 p.m. A concerned father reported his child’s mother allowing her new boyfriend to sketch their naked daughter.
• Sunday, November 3 1:32 a.m. A white pickup with Ohio plates drove erratically up U.S. Highway 101 from Eureka, beer bottles popping out of its windows. A concerned cit tracked the truck to a Heindon Road diner.
1:32 a.m. A patron at a Heindon Road diner reported a man with a curly brown ponytail striking her car while parking in the lot.
3:35 a.m. More bad man-behavior, or maybe just bad-man behavior at a downtown donut ’n’ drama shop, where two surly galoots tried to pick fights with docile noshers. One of the burly boyos lifted up his shirt to display a six-inch knife tucked into his belt, signifying his awesome powers of buffoonery.
4:04 a.m. An ambulance was summoned to the donut shop for a man with an epic abscess on his hand, ew.
11:30 a.m. A man shooting pellets or BBs at birds on Stromberg Avenue was confronted by a resident because the pellets were landing in his yard. At this, the bird blaster started shooting directly at the other guy’s house.
2:18 p.m. A bearded man keeps going into a downtown store and taking pictures and video of one of the employees.
• Monday, November 4 10:47 a.m. A guitar stolen in Eureka a month ago turned up in an Arcata shop on consignment sale.
12:38 p.m. A rough-and-ready celebration of loitering broke out under the trees at world-famous Ninth and H street, where particular (dope-chugging) people congregate and are cited.
12:42 p.m. An I Street store employee reported someone in a car in the parking lot huffing balloons or Whip-Its, the nitrous oxide imparting its cherished cosmic vortex drain bammage to the driver/huffer. A hitherto unknown side effect of the mind-contracting gasses was how it made the person jam their right foot down onto the gas pedal and rev the engine as a chunky slurry of brain cell husks trickled down their back.
2:15 p.m. Downtown’a Carport of Intrigue, Adventure and Interspecies Romance served its historic function as a skeeze incubator when two guys set up a day camp and spread all their shit out on the grimy pavement. Even worse was a suggestion that the two may have been using… drugs. Right here in Arcata. Like the rest of the general population.
2:19 p.m. Women apparently can’t escape male harassment, even in a camp at the marsh. There, a madman across some water from an outdoorswoman’s campsite bellowed threats at her.
4:14 p.m. After wandering off, the mouthy marshian returned with more odious outdoorsmen, their primitive grunts and hoots gusting over an unspecified body of water like billowing swamp gas.
5:13 p.m. In keeping with recent developments, still another male of the nonsensical persuasion made known his entirely unnecessary weaponry at the HSU Library Circle bus stop, with APD called in to assist UPD with ensuring public safety against the forces of imbecility.
5:26 p.m. An altered or disoriented male in a white skirt tried to enter a downtown senior living facility.
7:57 p.m. A drunken stumblebum in tan cargo pants bothered customers at a Westwood store, and with his limbic system sparking randomly in its boozy brain broth, wouldn’t leave when asked, but then did.
8:17 p.m. On nearby Stewart Avenue, a seemingly needy man in khaki pants knocked on doors in the area.
9:21 p.m. Like a bird feathering its nest, a man snuggled up on the pavement amid a thicket of medicine bottles in front of a Plaza bar. He was arrested for public drunkenness and his pillsome palisade deconstructed.
• Tuesday, November 5 6:43 a.m. A man at the Community Park utilized innate fort-building skills to construct a makeshift shelter with just a bicycle, a cart and a crazy dream. Which ended when he was moved along.
7:41 a.m. The ingrates who receive hospital treatment and then act out their aggros on the personnel who helped them were exceeded in audaciousness by the type of person who would wear plaid shorts over black sweat pants and, though not even a patient, embarked on an unhelpful loiter-and-harassapalooza.
4:06 p.m. The theft of a food scale from a beleaguered downtown delicatessen set off a chain of events that culminated in its relocation to Northtown.
• Wednesday, November 6 12:59 a.m. A she-drunk clad in jeans, bra and pink blanket roved the grounds of a Valley West hamburger stand, banging on all the doors and windows.
10:02 a.m. A man leaning against a fence on E Street was sagging at an alarming rate, with a collision with the street looking inevitable. His condition or date with an asphalt-rich destiny are undocumented.
10:43 a.m. Dumped trash at a Valley West hotel included prescription pill bottles bearing identifying info.
11:43 a.m. A man in all camouflage stood starkly out from the surrounding foliage as he trod northbound on the southbound shoulder of U.S. Highway 101 just past the G Street exit. Helping undermine his ludicrous garments’ cloaking action was the big honkin’ rifle he was toting.
11:54 a.m. A blaringly visible camouflage tarpaulin at the Community Center thrust the huddled urchins it sheltered into official scrutiny, resulting in a move-along order.
12:26 p.m. A person whose backpack was stolen at the skate park suspected friends of a downtown businessperson, so he showed up at that person’s workplace with the grievance. There was concern that the theft victim might vandalize the place to even the score about the backpack through this designated surrogate.
12:40 p.m. A man wearing a wig with two braids, a striped sweater and long skirt reportedly forced someone to buy him food on pain of being shot, though no gun was ever seen.
12:55 p.m. One drunk’s mission in life was to wail profanity at employees in an F Street pet shop, with exceptional burning rage over the bird room.
• Thursday, November 7 9:55 a.m. Parking meter no. 56, located at 14th and Union streets, refused to accept money, or even bribes. Extra coins added failed to arouse it to duty.
10:19 a.m. A man whiled away the morning sitting on a wall north of a G Street gas station, bleeding profusely.
11:03 a.m. Societal standards suffered a further collapse as a man laid in an alley at 12th and G streets with his oblivious head in the roadway. Meanwhile, a tent had popped up in the nearby community garden.
10:23–10:32 p.m. If only the frisky toughs duking it out in a Ninth Street alley and the sidewalk snoozer outside a nearby soap shop could have mind melded and averaged out their drastically variant energy levels.
• Friday, November 8 12:55 a.m. A man in Moe-Howard bowl-cut hairdo decided to try out the futile fad that’s sweeping the dingbatshpere – drunkenly refusing to leave a business where you’re very much not wanted. The sloshed stooge surrogate squatted by a Heindon Road restaurant’s soda dispenser until government forces arrived to scoop him up, which they did.