• Wednesday, December 9 1:33–1:35 p.m. Early-mid afternoon is guest-refusing-to-leave-his-budget-motel-room-so-better-call-the-cops time.
• Thursday, December 10 12:08 p.m. A thin fellow in a black vest trod about in circles at an Alliance Road apartment complex, importuning random passersby for druggitty drug-drugs. “I say, good sir,” he posited in a crisp Mid-Atlantic accent with an impish half-smile, smartly sheathing his riding crop and polishing his monocle with a corner of his waistcoat. [Embellishment alert – Ed.] “Might you be disposed to share any mind-altering potions, tinctures, balms, poultices or other zesty admixtures dwelling unused in your personal armamentarium, with which one might filigree one’s febrile brainpan?” Which is probably what he meant when he grunted something like, “Dood, got’ny weed?” And when he beggared the wrong rando with this nuanced repartee, heavy-lidded eyes bearing different-size pupils glowering balefully at the stranger, cops were called.
9:18 p.m. A brown-vested, bag-festooned bloke used a Uniontown supermarket’s restroom as a bath house, and it’s not that. His contrite reaction to employee objections was to hurl grocery items about the store.
• Friday, December 11 1:13 a.m. A man knocking at Janes Court front door may have been covered in a white blanket or towel, but at least he was mumbling to himself. And yet the resident still wouldn’t open the door.
12:14 p.m. Furtive activity of this sort is probably best performed not on a busy street during the noon hour, but the guy toiling at the pink and white house by the bank wasn’t necessarily governed by conventional logic. A witness said he dug a hole by the two pear tress, then buried something and covered the mound with branches.
4:03 p.m. When roommates resort to communicating via the taking of protest dumps in the hallway, it’s probably not long until police become involved. Such was the scenario on G Street, where a man wouldn’t let his cohabitant into the bathroom while he was shaving. Her pending usage was rather more urgent, though, and to underscore this point, she pooped outside his bedroom door. He took pics of the pooprotest to save any subsequent investigators from having to dust for turds, then cleaned it up and called APD.
• Saturday, December 12 2:16 p.m. Sidewalk slumpers upped their walk-blocking game by getting up off the ground and setting up chairs outside an H Street business, risking nosebleeds in order to attain new heights of leisure. Alas, the use of sitting machines pushed any stodgy traditionalists interested in using the sidewalk for actual, you know, walking, to detour out into the street. In a blow to their R&D department’s bold new chair initiative, the seatabouts were moved along.
4:09 p.m. Guttersnipe gladiators clashed on the Plaza, one using a trash can lid as a shield.
4:17 p.m. It falls to future historians skilled in adverb forensics to ascertain whether the person described as “knocking hardly” on an 11th Street door was doing so in a hard way, or hardly at all.
• Sunday, December 7:52 a.m. A behoodied man at the Plaza’s center bellowed and blithered, punctuating the blurtage with some impressive yet entirely pointless trash tossing.
4:22 p.m. Emanating from a large homeless encampment between Samoa Boulevard and the Marsh’s brackish pond were a woman’s cries for help and several men telling her to shut up, in doing so basically encapsulating all of human history.
4:57 p.m. A woman was seen fleeing the Marsh near a bird blind by the train tracks on South I Street, saying she had just been assaulted.
• Monday, December 14 4 a.m. A cat burglar entered a Valley West mini-mart in the dead of night, gaming its impenetrable security system by lowering themselves in through the ceiling and sinuously threading the geometric matrix of laser beams and robo-guns enshrouding the antacid display. [Embellishment alert – Ed.] Despite the Mission Impossible-grade heist and pending a thorough Tums inventory, a mart worker couldn’t tell whether anything had been stolen.
5:17 p.m. A Bayside Roader described a comparably elaborate scheme, the goal of which was to poison her. The woman’s diabolical ex was said to be poking needles up through the floor to spray “chemicals” on her as she slept.
6:44 p.m. Wrongdoers of lesser ambition and lower chicanery budget simply-spray painted an “F” word on the hood of a Van Dyke Court resident’s car hood.
9:14 a.m. Someone abandoned two cats, left in a tarp-covered carrier at Foster and Sunset avenues.
10:28 a.m. The insensate interloper who walks around Valley West blasting music from a portable speaker chose a credit union driveway for a morning plop ’n’ impede. There, luxuriating in the faux empowerment of the moment, he blocked traffic while refusing requests to leave.
10:31 a.m. Startled by a dog, a Fickle Hill Road cat bit someone on the finger.
4:37 p.m. One guy’s side of the story was that after he slowed down to avoid hitting someone’s dogs on South G Street, the dog owner became angry and yelled, even to the point of inducing fear of retaliation. But odds are that the other guy’s version casts him as the wronged action hero/victim.
5:09 p.m. A Northtowner said his ex-wife somehow got into his apartment and stole some stuff. He said he just saw her with his property at a nearby bus stop.
5:22 p.m. An “irate” woman reported that her ex-husband had just assaulted her at a Northtown bus stop, and that her sister had captured it on video.
8:50 p.m. A man in a blue jacket grabbed a glass bong and ran out of an H Street store, the incident recorded on video.
• Wednesday, December 16 12:59 p.m. A Stewart Avenue resident was said to be allowing her 11ish-year-old son drive her pickup truck, which was now broken down nearby and its camper shell also having fallen off.
• Thursday, December 17 10:47 a.m. A G Street car window was smashed and someone’s saxophone taken.
2:26 p.m. Science tells us that the only known faster-than-light phenomena in the universe are hypothetical tachyons and the speed at which a slithy tove removes purses, wallets and debit/credit cards from an unlocked vehicle. The latest victim, on 24th Street, discovered and immediately reported the theft, but the tachyon-tove had already squandered her funds on toys and candy.
• Friday, December 18 11:46 a.m. A woman wearing a “costume wolf hat” in a G Street store apparently considered a face mask too exotic of a fashion tragedy, and refused to put one on.
12:26 p.m. A man called from a 12th Street apartment’s bathroom, in which he had locked himself after an argument with his girlfriend.
12:26 p.m. A woman called from a 12th Street apartment asking for help in removing her boyfriend from the bathroom.
5:26 p.m. A man handed a bank teller a note demanding money and mentioning a weapon, but left without cash or violence. The unharmed employees then locked themselves inside and called police.
• Saturday, December 19 8:02 p.m. A Valley West laundromat user refused to wear a mask, likely in response to some shiny Internet balderdash or other. He punished a man who did acknowledge biology, courtesy and personal responsibility and who had objected to the exposure by hurling a metal laundry basket at him. The maskhole is never to show his face, unmasked or otherwise, there again.