• Saturday, August 22 8 a.m. A Hidden Creek Roader saw a mountain lion on her video doorbell.
8:01 a.m. A man with everything to live for, including an armful of body art and the pair of drumsticks in his hand, yelled about not caring if he died outside an East California Avenue food and drinkery.
10:12 p.m. A dumpster sprite frolicked and gamboled in an F Street pizzeria’s trash bin, tossing its fetid contents here and there. Asked to leave, of course he refused, but relented and retreated at the sight of police.
10:36 a.m. A bike lock was easily defeated on 12th Street, liberating an orange electric bike with two racks. The costly capture was well worth the price of the bolt cutters left behind by the thief.
12:42 p.m. Unhappy about not receiving napkins with his order of food, which was also too spicy, a restaurant take-out patron had a phone argument with the staff, then charged back to the scene to hurl the uneaten grub at the front of the eatery. He then called police to preemptively describe his version of events in case the restaurant had also reported the matter.
5:56 p.m. It looks like posing as a census taker is the latest guide by which weirdos legitimize bothering residents for purposes of sleaze. One went to a California Avenue woman’s door and refused to leave, then went and sat in his green station wagon in her driveway for 15 minutes.
9:37 p.m. A drunk got into a guy’s car on the Plaza and drove it one block away.
11:35 p.m. Power washing the sidewalk on H Street isn’t wildly appreciated by area residents as the clock approaches midnight.
• Monday, August 24 12:25 a.m. The rumbling hiss of a power washer outside an H Street tavern/bistro continued, classified as a “loud music complaint.”
6:47 a.m. Three logging vehicles were discovered vandalized, with hydraulic fluid poured into the engine by a low-information eco-beatnik in a makeshift dress, implementing primitive chemical warfare.
8:23 a.m. A two-man crew of opportunivores plundered recycling bins and tried door handles in the Zelia Court/Leon Lane area.
11:09 a.m. A man illegally camping in the Community Forest near the second bench in from the 14th Street trailhead chose this moment to start yelling and screaming. Police contacted him.
2:13 p.m. Another he-screamer at a Uniontown shopping center became so wrought up in wailing that he fell over a cyclone fence.
5:37 p.m. Normal but incessant child-screaming on Anina Way was bothersome to someone.
6:23 p.m. A backpacker stole toilet paper from a Valley West store, but it was recovered unused.
7:20 p.m. After vomiting inside a white pickup truck parked at 10th and I streets for an hour or so, a man drove the pukemobile away.
11:49 p.m. After being denied alcohol purchase at a Fourth Street market, a balding man snabbed up a sixer of his prized happy juice and stalked out.
11:05 p.m. A barbarian pounded on the door of a Union Street apartment dweller, offering the resident little incentive to respond since his announced goal was to fight the person.
Note: The APD daily bulletin for Tuesday, Aug. 25 has not been made public. – Ed.
• Wednesday, August 26 10:06 a.m. The Portland Loo at Eighth and F streets overflowed, its succulent nectar streaming out onto the sidewalk and only hinting at the unspeakable horror held within.
• Thursday, August 27 9:47 a.m. After a stroll, a marsh walker returned to his truck, but the black Ford F250 was no longer there.
5:59 p.m. If, after being disallowed from chowing down inside a Valley West restaurant, the denied diner’s tactic for restoring entry privileges was to fuss and fight with the staff, well, it failed. He was last seen – somehow, despite his camouflage pants – propelling a shopping cart down the street.
6:21 p.m. A resident at 15th and F streets was asked by a man with two backpacks whether he knew how to convert a single-shot firearm into an automatic weapon. The gun-curious passerby then plopped down on a nearby park bench until moved along.
6:46 p.m. A backpacker perambulated about the yard of a residence at 14th and C streets, busying himself with the sorts of tasks one who was about to move in might perform. First he inspected a utility meter, then whizzed upon some bushes by way of territorial sprainting. But some unknowable juju befouled his campsite survey, and he shambled eastbound on 14th Street toward more propitious camping grounds.
• Friday, August 28 12:20 p.m. A man dressed all in black on I Street swung his walking stick at passersby until warned away.
6:15 p.m. Forest duff being trampled underfoot at the Marsh was partly comprised of a half-dozen hypodermic needles.
• Saturday, August 29 7:14 p.m. An Eye Street resident’s doorbell cam picked up a coupla dudes trying his car door handles. But finding them locked, they left.
• Sunday, August 30 8:05 a.m. A Buttermilk Laner found an arrow lodged in his house, as though it had been fired from across the street.
At Samoa and H Street the clatter
Of bongos and worse was a matter
Best left to the pros
Who brought to a close
The pestiferous pitter and patter
5:05 p.m. An H Street backpacker refined his percussive skills banging on a sign and some concrete with a metal pipe.