• Wednesday, May 15 12:42 a.m. The City Council should try to track down the shadowy slithy tove on a bicycle who busied himself this early morn riding around and checking whether or not business doors on West End Road were properly locked up, and commend him for his public-spirited volunteer efforts.
1:30 p.m. It hardly seems worth building such an “extensive” campsite under the pine trees east of Mt. Trashmore at the marsh, when walking out of the wilderness and into town to the nearest public restrooms several times per day must take so long.
11:40 p.m. A brother and sister have “no contact” orders against their scary biological parents, who showed up and made a fuss anyway.
• Friday, May 17 11:39 a.m. Someone whose water was turned off for non-payment got yelly on the phone with someone from the Finance Dept., even threatening to come to City Hall to escalate the hysterical blithering. Or they could just pay their water bill.
• Saturday, May 18 9:47 a.m. A man made a comfy camp along the Seventh Street/Community Park footpath for a week or so, though a witness report held that bugs were showing a certain fondness for his tarp-based manor.
• Sunday, May 19 4:03 a.m. Someone removed the hinges from a Cedar Avenue door in order to get in and steal a television.
4:16 p.m. A burglar on Sunset Avenue forewent such dainty niceties in favor of bashing in a back door and ripping off the place.
• Monday, May 20 9:17 a.m. A man asked police if he could have his “K-bar knife” back so he could go rescue a quadriplegic friend who was being held captive in Eureka.
9:27 a.m. A 27th Street resident’s yard is undergoing continual harassment by unknown forces, who have broken off parts of the fence, cut the latch to the gate and pulled up plants and signs there.
10:47 a.m. Someone selling a bed for $400 on that list of Craig’s got a check for $1,650.93. When she went to cash it, the bank said it was fraudulent and to call police.
11:44 p.m. As a woman enjoyed herself at a Plaza tavern/restaurant, an unknown slithy tove’s slimy paw slithered into her purse and snabbed her credit card-laden wallet.
1:37 p.m. A multi-person tarp camp in Carlson Park attracted concerned citizens and city employees, soon including police.
• Tuesday, May 21 10:19 a.m. City workers visited two camps and previously warned campers in Carlson Park, with one settlement located near the entrance and one near the river. Another turned up down near the river’s edge.
11:36 a.m. A woman who’d received hundreds of Facebook messages from an ex-friend was getting sketched about the possible cyberstalking.
3:05 p.m. A weepy drunk with a bottle in his hand and tears rolling down his cheeks was arrested outside an Eighth Street restaurant.
3:05 p.m. Confronted after brazenly whizzing outside a Valley West pizza parlor, a man used his disgusting peepee-hands to shove his behavioral auditor.
• Wednesday, May 22 1:15 a.m. A person reported being robbed of $60 at the marsh by three men brandishing a knife and brass knuckles.
11 a.m. A Sunset Avenue woman said her landscaper had again argued with her over her not picking up the dogshit in her yard.