• Thursday, May 23 8:03 a.m. Six people sitting in a circle in a Ninth Street alley wouldn’t voluntarily disassemble their stonerhenge soiree-squattery, and a nearby business was concerned that the half-dozen immobile meat pillars might get run over.
10:36 p.m. In nearby Tavern Alley, intake-excrete maneuvers proved worrisome. It seems that four jolly-time funsters were guzzling grog from open containers, while one made room for still more cocktailian consumption by loosing the contents of his engorged bladder upon the already urine-gilded landscape. A horrified willie-wag witness was to sign a citizen’s arrest form over the indecent exposure.
11:08 a.m. In an alley off E Street, a man earlier reported stealing booze from a Uniontown store had apparently ingested same with predictable results, and was arrested on a public drunkenness charge.
10:12 p.m. A man wearing white socks and no shoes was peeing the night away at, and upon, the Intermodal Transit Facility, and was confronted by a passerby over the immodest emission. For this encroachment on his wee-hour whizzardry, the unshod peeman broke the guy’s phone.
• Friday, May 24 9:34 a.m. Men of a certain age are always at risk of succumbing to the ever-beckoning siren song of grumpiness, and – there being no clouds to yell at or kids on his lawn to bark at – take, for example, to harassing people attending an event at a nearby school. All the usual prickly panoply was on display with grandpa grumblesome grumpster – yelling, threats, taking super-helpful (as in useless) pictures of cars by way of some pointless evidence-gathering exercise, even the new insta-trend of busting a witness’s cell phone.
• Saturday, May 25 9:29 p.m. Drunken derelicts lingered in the fragrant entranceway to a dingbat-addled downtown donut shop, encumbering ingress and egress for area pastry ’n’ pathos aficionados. A rhythmic note was added to the proceedings when someone among them set up an annoyance-augmenting drum of some sort.
12:12 p.m. A man called from a Northtown erotic supply emporium to report that someone had struck him on the foot with a sledge hammer, and now he was bleeding through his shoe. Weirdest fetish ever.
3:43 p.m. A McMahan Street resident noticed three goats who’d wandered over from Baldwin Street eating his garden.
• Monday, May 27 2:54 a.m. Sunflower kept going into a Plaza store to report people on a corner causing problems, and that in itself was becoming a problem.
11:45 p.m. Lurkabouts at Eighth and I streets loudly lamented that they had misplaced their “needle kit.” We’ve all been there.
• Tuesday, May 28 9:59 a.m. Someone placed lit candles in a semicircle outside the front door of a Foster Avenue home overnight, leaving the resident concerned and puzzled as to the purpose of the creepy display.
• Thursday, May 30 9:33 a.m. Some special someone in Valley West vandalized magnets and left a note on a car that read, “Go back to Idaho.”
10:22 a.m. A woman called demanding to speak to the police chief, and when asked what about, she explained that she cares about other people more than herself. In addition, she asserted, the domestic violence shelter system is corrupt. Asked what she expected of police in this regard, she said she was angry and wanted to go walking in traffic.
• Sunday, June 2 8:34 a.m. A man was reported unloading a yak and several goats from rental trailer at the Diamond Drive entrance to the Arcata Community Forest.
3:47 p.m. Two dogs running around the no-dogs-allowed Plaza formed a team and attacked yet another dog.
6:37 p.m. After a fight, a man was reported lying on the ground and balding. One of the combatants was arrested.
• Tuesday, June 4 5:53 p.m. A blithe spirit at the shoplifter-barnacled Uniontown supermarket left his bike unlocked in the rack, and who among us (besides everyone) could have ever predicted that it would get stoled? Well, it did, except that the victim saw the theft in progress and gave chase, successfully wresting the bike from its unauthorized taker. He was concerned for other bicycle owners though, because the last place he saw the foiled thief was near a G Street bank’s bike rack.
7:23 p.m. Some shady slithy tove stole a man’s sunglasses at a Valley West motel, swapping them out for a different pair.
9:50 p.m. A frustrated backyard chef at the transit center who lacked any meaningful or urgent culinary mission posed a menace to fellow travelers by aggressively wielding a metal barbecue fork at them.
• Wednesday, June 5 12:37 a.m. A tattoo-faced man on a bike helped himself to blankets and pillows at a crumbum-befouled Valley West motel.
5:42 a.m. A man withdrawing from alcohol and in a very bad way heroically didn’t reach for the bottle, but for the phone, to call for an ambulance.
10:22 p.m. This time it wasn’t Grandpa Grump taking pictures at an Old Arcata Road school, but a millennial on some sort of mission which also required him to wear shades and a sleeveless shirt while carrying a plaid shirt – as one does, never knowing when you might need some emergency plaid in your life.
11:16 a.m. Police didn’t have to travel far to address the man who was either having a loud hissyfit or arguing with someone on the phone – he was visiting the impassioned rhetoric amid the gleaming porcelain and stainless steel of their lobby bathroom.
12:43 p.m. “I don’t have insurance!” bellowed a man who had just rear-ended a woman’s car on 11th Street. He took off hit-and-run style, attempting evasive maneuvers by turning westbound on 12th Street, then northbound on Alliance Road and eastbound on 15th Street, then northbound on G Street with the victim following the whole way.
1:53 p.m. A woman stole a small concertina-style accordion from an H Street store.
• Thursday, June 6 12:22 a.m. The ER was something of a M.A.S.H. unit as medical personnel attempted to treat a patient who mounted a boundary-smashing incursion, yelling, throwing things and threatening the staff.
12:26 p.m. A man living in a tent in the wildlife sanctuary found the accommodations unsuitable and complained of having been exposed to too much “bug spray.”
• Friday, June 7 12:22 a.m. For eons, mankind has asked itself, what do women want? For starters, womankind might enjoy a well-earned respite from the reverse-endearing ways of some of the more knuckle-dragging menfolk. Take, for example, the blithering bozos to follow. First the guy in the blue pickup truck who followed a woman to her L.K. Wood Boulevard apartment and set about honking his horn outside, tactics which somehow failed to win her affections.
12:53 a.m. Then there was the substance-addled weirdling on Eye Street whose singular mission was to bang on someone’s door until they called the government for relief.
7:16 a.m. Then there was the hoodie-bedecked charmer toting several bags who followed a woman around Valley West, ignoring her loud and unmistakeable admonitions to leave her alone.
7:52 a.m. An equal-opportunity abusive lout made it his mission to bother employees at an I Street store with harassment and inappropriate comments – despite the pacifying properties of abundant popcorn tofu and quinoa tots available therein. When he started taking pictures of people, police intervention seemed appropriate.
12:46 p.m. At another store up G Street, a man exacted revenge on a woman following a dispute over a parking space. Slashing her tire and zooming away in his blue vehicle was his very manly solution.
5:42 p.m. After an eviction notice was served two days previous, a tenant on Stromberg Avenue “destroyed” the house. This included breaking some of the windows and blacking out others.
8:28 p.m. A daughter reported that her mother and some friends were following and yelling at her and her father, despite the mom having a restraining order against the dad. The daughter and her father took refuge in the playgound near Stewart Park and called police.
11:38 p.m. The only thing lamer than yelling at clouds and supermarket employees might be yelling at a laundromat, but that’s just what the man in a hoodie did in Valley West. An officer tried to talk some sense into him.