• Wednesday, November 15 12:10 a.m. The Arcata City Council convened in a thrift store parking lot on H Street to… oh wait, that was an actual dumpster fire.
• Thursday, November 16 11:41 a.m. A car on Chester Lane has been repeatedly attracting eggs of the hurled variety in recent weeks, the ceaseless albumen accumulations eating away at its very paint.
4:39 p.m. An urban guerrilla cut a formidable figure in the library parking lot, swaggering about in his high-visibility camouflage outfit with a big-ass knife in the waistband, surely equal to any book-lending challenge that may have arisen.
• Saturday, November 17 3:16 p.m. Hostilities broke out at a Valley West shopping center when a woman in a blue dress launched a can of soda pop at a fellow human.
3:37 p.m. The can-tosser and her strife migrated to a nearby golden arches, where she was knocked to the ground. Two men then entered into combat, but it wasn’t clear which gallant bloke wielded a nearby rock in defense of her honor – the camouflaged one or the guy whose jersey declared his enthusiasm for the Arizona Cardinals.
• Sunday, November 18 10:51 a.m. The doggie duo that romps ’n’ terrorizes Sunny Brae yards got loose from their inadequately fenced yards at Wiley Court and Beverly Way again, roaming Pneumonia Gulch in search of vulnerable housepets and poultry.
2:11 p.m. A loose dachshund on J Street posed hardly any menace at all, except perhaps to life forms seven inches or under in stature.
• Monday, November 19 10:11 a.m. A drunk laid on the Seventh Street freeway overpass allegedly in pain, despite the hurt-hindering bottle of alcohol lying next to him. The walkway wallower was arrested on a drublic punkedness charge.
11:10 a.m. A Valley West motel employee went rogue with the contents of the till, and while he was never to return, the motel would kinda like its $286 back.
6:39 p.m. A man, loosely defined, lingering outside a Valley West restaurant in a green shirt, made sexual gestures at a 2-year-old girl, earning him a trespassing banishment.
• Thursday, November 20 7:22 a.m. An L Street man’s approach to processing marital strife involved the usual yelling, then placing a mattress on top of his wife and throwing her possessions at her.
7:25 a.m. Meanwhile, he called police to report that she was acting crazy.
8:22 a.m. A lad threw a glass of water at his mom in Sunny Brae.
11:01 a.m. Further lawlessness enveloped Arcata’s sleepy southern shire when someone in Sunny Brae Center cut a hose and made off with a nozzle.
5:40 p.m. An age-old and apparently still effective scam was visited on a Craigslist user who had advertised a surfboard for $350. He was sent a rubber check for $1,088 with instructions to cash it and send the balance to a moving company, and hurry up before it boings back at him.
• Wednesday, November 21 1:34 p.m. It was bad enough that the occupants of a green and silver tent lived in it next to the Scout Hut in Redwood Park for several days. But then they started acting like they owned the jernt, getting shouty with Arcata’s ever-beleaguered innocent passersby.
5:16 p.m. Someone painted a big “B” on the inside wall of the Portland Loo at Seventh and F streets.
5:53 p.m. A clean-shaven man in a maroon baseball cap never got to enjoy the stolen succulence contained in the bag of groceries he made off with from a Uniontown supermarket, as he jettisoned his load of loot to better reach escape velocity southbound on F Street.
8:07 p.m. A different high-ambition shoplifter at the same store brazenly trundled out with a cart full of stolen groceries, which employees recovered.
9:06 p.m. There were two drunks at the transit center, and one of them, a woman, kept touching a stranger’s legs. She got a talking to.
10:14 p.m. A man at Shoplifting Central (the Uniontown store) placed some of his groceries in his cart, and some other select items in his backpack. While waiting in line to pay for the merch that was visible, police arrived for a little chat.
• Thursday, November 22 11:38 p.m. An Eye Street resident claimed that she’d been pushed down the stairs by an ex-roommate, but then said she was OK and shouldn’t have called after all.
• Friday, November 23 7:26 p.m. Things went unfunnily funny around town with unrelated disturbing, quasi-menacing and outright violent incidents, beginning with a guy getting knocked out during a hobo melee on the Plaza.
7:49 p.m. An “older” (than what?) woman in a red sweater on Tavern Row yellingly offered to beat up random passersby.
8:07 p.m. A man on the southwest corner of the Plaza yelled and acted scary, someone said.
9:16 p.m. The guest in Room 113 at a Janes Road motel said he’d been robbed.
9:45 p.m. A man staggered into a Valley West gas station claiming he’d been stabbed.
• Saturday, November 24 4:10 p.m. Chester Court stealings included half a cord of wood, a bicycle helmet and a rocking chair.
11:18 p.m. Someone said that a silver motor home on Haeger Avenue had been displaying the Morse Code signal for “SOS” for the past five hours.
11:47 p.m. When a woman went up into the Community Forest to cut down her tarp, she said someone attacked her and gave her a black eye.
• Sunday, November 25 5:13 p.m. A man was reported “aggressively bumping” a woman who had blood on her face outside an F Street variety store.
7:43 p.m. Medical marijuana and an herb grinder went missing on Alliance Road.
• Monday, November 26 11:36 a.m. An industrious chap out front of a Janes Road motel busied himself with no fewer than three forms of pointless activity: breaking bottles, throwing things in the street and destroying innocent pillows.
2:30 p.m. A woman walking in the Sunny Brae Tract had an aggressive and untethered dog rush up at her. When she asked the owner to restrain his precious pooch, he yelled at her.
11:34 p.m. A man with questionable cost-benefit analytical skills in an unfortunate yellow-and-black plaid jacket pulled an incompetent heist of life-giving chips ’n’ soda at a Uniontown supermarket, and headed down F Street where he soon became very arrested.
• Tuesday, November 27 7:22 a.m. A man and woman with a bike that had no front tire refused to leave a Heindon Road diner, meeting requests to leave with threats to poop in the parking lot and then smear the feces all over the restaurant’s windows. However, they skedaddled before actually empoopening the place.
9:40 a.m. An E Street resident reported one man sleeping in his bed and another stealing his clothes.
9:43 a.m. Someone called from an unknown G Street location about a man who refused to leave, but the caller just kept telling the dispatcher to “hold on,” wouldn’t answer questions and then hung up, not answering when called back.
9:13 p.m. After shooting up drugs in the hospital parking lot, a man and woman went into the ER waiting room and demanded that the staff pay for their taxi ride.
11:53 p.m. A drunken television salesman tried aggressive selling tactics on customers at a Valley West gas station, who weren’t necessarily there at that hour shopping for a 50-inch flatscreen TV of dubious provenance. He was arrested for public drunkenness.
• Wednesday, November 28 1:57 p.m. An employee reportedly stole cash from an H Street store.
6:46 p.m. The camouflage-clothed man who’d made obscene gestures at a toddler outside a Valley West restaurant came back, and was again warned away.
7:26 p.m. As someone enjoyed a video chat with her friend, the other person’s boyfriend struck her, with an argument ensuing.
9:29 p.m. A man sleeping in the laundry room of a Valley West motel told the staff that if they wanted him out of there, they could just call police. So they did, and he was arrested.
• Thursday, November 29 9:10 a.m. A Sierra Way roommate wouldn’t wake up, so police and then the coroner were called.
9:17 p.m. When a man interrupted a burglary on M Street, the surprised thief quipped, “No one was supposed to be here.”
10:31 p.m. After a he-she argument outside the hospital ER, a woman intentionally cut herself. The man then took her housekeys, said he’d vandalize the place and left.
1:53 p.m. Two extraordinarily clueless golfers, complete with bags, used the Arcata Marsh and Wildlife Sanctuary to practice their drives, hitting golf balls into Klopp Lake.
6:11 p.m. A woman was driving home on Alliance Road when a man dressed in a Mainway Toys Invisible Pedestrian™ outfit stepped out in front of her car. She hit the brakes before striking him, but he retaliated anyway, hitting her car with a hula hoop. The driver asked that he be tracked down and admonished, describing the man as dressed in all black clothing, with brown hair and carrying a hula hoop.
6:27 p.m. A downtown driver described being nearly struck by another driver who was jabbering on her cell phone and then honked her horn and yelled at the other person. The distracted driver pulled in at a G Street business, followed by the near-victim, who wanted to take a picture of her license plate. It was then that she noticed that the woman had an open container of alcohol from which she was drinking.
8:28 p.m. An Austin Way resident set a meeting with a potential roommate, but the guy went ahead and dropped off all his belongings there before the deal was sealed. The resident was concerned that there were illegal items amongst his possessions.
• Friday, November 30 7:21 a.m. A woman threatened to burn her garbage out in front of a Valley West business.
4:54 p.m. An E Street woman threatened to “firebomb” someone’s truck, but it turns out she says stupid shit like that all the time.
6:38 p.m. A long-haired man in a multicolored sweater was reported wandering in traffic at Foster Avenue and Alliance Road, and struck a passing car with a hula hoop. He then headed eastward toting a bag of groceries and his assault hoop.
7:33-7:34 p.m. A man in a beanie and striped shirt carrying a hula hoop was reported jumping in front of cars on Alliance Road, and starting arguments with drivers of passing vehicles. The hostile hoopman was arrested.