• Tuesday, February 13 9:38 a.m. A dark-haired woman driving an estimated 70 mph on L.K. Wood Boulevard was profoundly inconvenienced by having to slightly modify her trajectory and swerve around some road workers, possibly slowing her blistering velocity by as much as few miles per hour. In doing so, she made sure to flip the workers off so that they knew what contemptible beings they were for maintaining the roadways upon which she aimed her hurtling metal machine toward various destinations.
9:38 a.m. Multiple campers near an F Street apartment building argued ’n’ shat the morning away.
12:05 p.m. Is it legal to have that many chickens in that small a cage? Seems cruel.
• Valentine’s Day 10:48 a.m. Sweatshirted door-to-door fraudsters worked Fourth Street, asking residents for their utility bills on some lame premise of working for the power company, which they didn’t. But… ID? Schmidee! Credentials? Schmedentials!
Various times There were some domestic disturbance incidents with residual comic potential of a cynical/ironic nature since they occurred on Valentine’s Day, but we’ll let those folks duke it out uncelebrated and unexacerbated in hopes they can resolve their romantic imbroglios.
2:33 p.m. A man at Ninth and G streets started random arguments with passersby, as if they were to blame for his unfortunately-hued golden trousers.
2:36 p.m. A shoplifter’s prized booty of two bottles of whiskey and a 40-ounce brew never had the chance to befuddle his brainpan, because prior to his planned snab ’n’ guzzle, he was arrested.
• Saturday, February 16 12:04 a.m. A man with shoulder-length blond hair traveled from a distant land he said was known as “McKinleyville” to drunkenly pester someone in Todd Court. He was duly arrested for excessive cocktail infusions.
2:20 p.m. A camouflage-panted man at an I Street store mustered all the fury and inanimate objects at his disposal to make a woman’s life a living heck in the parking lot. Showing no mercy, he ruthlessly pushed a shopping cart at her, then spat in her general direction.
2:37 p.m. Moments later, hostility factors escalated with conflictuousness at the Intermodal Transit Facilimajigger thingy, which we regular folks call the bus station. There, a man body slammed a sick dog, graffitied a sign and stalked off in a dramatic huff which only reflected poorly on his character.
5:48 p.m. After nom-glomming down some tasty sushi at a Ninth Street eatery, a gray-haired woman in a purple skirt undertook a rather awkward and spectacular scarf ’n’ scram by pushing past the server and fleeing.
• Sunday, February 17 6:53 a.m. A man returned to his Westwood Court apartment and found it looking rather ransacked. He then splashed water around and declared, “If anyone is here, let yourself be known!” He next saw a person covered in a blanket in his garbage can, staring at him. He also noticed several cats in the apartment that aren’t his. All of this culminated in an arrest, but it’s not clear who or for what.
11:11 a.m. Whilst shopping at a remote 11th Street market at 11:11, the dizzying preponderance of 1’s had unintended reality-distorting effects on the grocery-seeking populace. There, a man in a top hat and carrying a snare drum offered to kill and/or stab another customer.
11:20 p.m. You didn’t leave a black case containing $1,500 in sound equipment in the back seat of your car on Alliance Road, or even sitting outside it... OK, it appears that you did.
• Monday, February 18 1:59 a.m. Two people making whoopee in the back seat of a car parked out front of a Panorama Drive home were surprised by the resident, who also wasn’t thrilled about the garbage and random debris being ejaculated into in his yard from the love machine. Reacting poorly to the in flagrante delicto interruption, the lusty-thrusty male said bad words to the Panoramer, then drove away.
7:11 p.m. Bike-borne combatants, both wearing all black, fought at Q Street and Blakeslee Avenue. The main aggressor had a camouflage bandanna covering his face as he pummeled his foe with nunchuk sticks.
11:53 p.m. Someone was reported pointing a laser beam at passing aircraft from Clam Beach, not known as a MENSA hangout.
• Tuesday, February 19 3:44 p.m. A lodger at a Valley West motel lost the keys to her car, so she called a locksmith to come and unlock the doors. But since the car automatically locks the doors when they are closed, she had to leave one ajar while she looked for a new hotel to stay in.
• Wednesday, February 20 11:57 a.m. A man with a red guitar strapped to his back made off with two bags of marshmallows from a Uniontown shopping center, because life is full of questionable choices.
• Thursday, February 21 12:18 a.m. A woman said that she loaned her neighbor some jumper cables and a gas can. But when she went to pick them up, the neighbor’s girlfriend attacked her and may have broken a rib on this despicably helpful jumper-cable loaning fiend.
9:11 a.m. An E Street resident was concerned that a neighbor’s three-month-old cat wasn’t getting enough air inside the weed/cig smoke-filled apartment.
12:48 a.m. An 11th Street clothing and costume shop reported three people coming in and stealing a wig and beard set, possibly to use for a disguise. But probably not for the dark-haired, bearded man involved.
• Friday, February 22 12:50 a.m. A ride-and-runner took a taxi ride to a downtown taco truck, then bolted from the cab at his destination, disappearing into the darkness of the Plaza (and his soul) in order to evade paying the mammoth fare of $2.75.
9:38 a.m. A loose and aggressive brown pit bull at 13th and I streets left behind a trail of mangled and missing chickens.
10:11 a.m. An antique potted plant disappeared off a California Avenue porch, and not of its own volition.
12:25 p.m. A busking guitarist’s enthusiastic musical stylings were deemed incompatible with a credit union’s doorway.
• Saturday, February 23 9:15 p.m. Most grocery shoppers at a Valley West supermarket seem to be able to obtain their required nutraments without threatening to stab employees, but not this woman in a light-colored jacket.
9:57 p.m. That lady might find a soulmate, cellmate or spirit animal in the tan-panted beardo who, all jibbered up on booze, argued with customers at a Uniontown supermarket and threatened to rob employees. That is, until being arrested.
• Sunday, February 24 4:19 p.m. A man in a bespoke ensemble which included wader boots, a Skillsaw and a bag of some sort didn’t take the news well that a Valley West supermarket’s bathroom was for customers only. He made a big fuss and stormed out.
11:49 p.m. Two women at a Uniontown supermarket populated their purses – one purple, the other turquoise and white – with feminine hygiene products of an unpaid-for nature. For this they were arrested on petty theft charges.
• Monday, February 25 3:21 a.m. A 30-something bloke in a yellow jacket lingered outside the locked lobby of a Plaza hotel, standing in the glass door and putting on something of a fantasy-adventure show on the full-length screen. This involved waving and grinning ninnily while relating a nonsensical tale of escaping from a bear. He was moved along.
12:23 p.m. An unlocked car on J Street, a wallet loaded with credit cards and ID, and a foregone conclusion.
2:49 p.m. Small-ball scamsters stole expired and since-disused packaging out of a cannabis center’s trash, using it to sell supposedly THC-infused gummies of questionable provenance that may not even getcha high.