• Wednesday, November 29 4:14 p.m. Suspected musicians and their roadie enablers were reported smoking jazz cigarettes out back of a downtown entertainment venue – the one with the hideous mural.
8:26 p.m. A woman on F Street was wrapped in a white blanket as she alternately struck her head against a pole and kicked her dog.
10:45 p.m. A man with a backpack unleashed his two large, brown pit bulls on the Plaza to conduct service attacks on passersby.
• Thursday, November 30 8:08 a.m. Did the delivery guy leaving the package containing two cell phones on an Airstream Avenue porch really think they’d sit there all day unmolested for the owner to pick up? What folly!
3:18 p.m. A shoeless and inadequately socialized traveler lay on the picnic table at the Community Park playground, staring at frolicking children with unknown intent. An officer came and moved the leering layabout along.
3:52 p.m. Mean Mrs. Mustard and her aggressive, free-running dog aren’t so responsive to civil requests to leash up and be nice on Sylvia Street.
• Friday, December 1 3:45 a.m. A Wyatt Lane resident noticed out front of his home arguing with himself with crucial assistance from the man’s garden hose.
10:24 a.m. Cleanup on Aisle I! That would be the South I Street parking lot at the Arcata Marsh, Dog Run & Carelessly Discarded Syringe Sanctuary Parking Lot, where a happenin’ heap o’ needle-icious discards rested spikily next to, but technically not in a trash can.
4:56 p.m. A man in a backwards baseball cap stole jumper cables from a downtown hardware store.
• Saturday, December 2 9:07 a.m. A “man” outside a downtown storehouse pushed a woman, tried to kiss her and grabbed at her clothing.
11:41 a.m. A Valley West motel lodger checked out, but left a cat behind in the room.
2:51 p.m. Wet hippies half a dozen in number clumped up on the bench in a downtown storehouse lobby’s narrow pinch point, clammy steam rolling off their bods, backpacks and guitar cases. After poring over the Yuletide amusements in the lobby, they’d pop out front to inhale life-affirming cig fumes and absorb more raindrops into their fragrant flannel, then come back inside to release further dank, poinsettia-withering roilings. The cycle of cigarette treatments and reclumpage carried on despite the relentless sonic peltings of a most wonderful Andy Williams serenade until merchants grew weary of cringing behind their shop counters and desks to get away from the fetid frolickers’ inchoate mini-mildew ranch. Suddenly, a crisply attired officer showed up and sent their boot-heels a-wanderin’ out the front door in a solemn backpack-and-guitar-case procession.
9:46 p.m. Staffing shortages at the Intermodal Transit Facility left only one raving lunatic this night to wave a knife around. The solo swordsman was arrested.
• Sunday, December 3 10:23 a.m. Seven sleepy slouchlings slumbered in the gazebo out front of a Valley West preschool. “We live here,” slurred the insolent vagabonds, and they sort of do, between police visits. A certain glowering statue might solve the area’s gazebo problem, but it’s already in use elsewhere for that very purpose.
1:51 p.m. Someone reported that several people somewhere on the Plaza were drinking and drugging, even though the absence of these recreations would be the news. The whistleblower provided nicknames of the culprits, but these were unintelligible, likely because they were faithfully related.
4:04 p.m. Three dogs romped off leash at the marsh, helping degrade the very thing their hubristic owners went there to enjoy.
6:43 p.m. An exigency-driven non-contributor clad in a red hoodie and matching pants swiped a bottle of wine from a Uniontown supermarket, peed on a nearby taco shop and then headed for the parking lot entrance to cadge some coin. There he was arrested.
• Monday, December 4 8:45 a.m. A gray-haired backpacker with shoes dangling from the side of his bulging knapsack was camping at a Valley West preschool as the school week got underway. Asked to leave, he responded with threats. He was tracked down and warned not to trespass there any more.
10:28 a.m. When a car struck a bicyclist outside the Post Office, it messed up the rear tire but left the cyclist undamaged. The car driver gave the biker a ride to a nearby supermarket and $50 to fergeddaboudit.
4:25 p.m. A dreadlocked damsel in orange-red plaid bellowed obscenities on the Plaza’s north side, then ran headlong into the flagpole, recovered and staggered off towards a nearby bronze imperialist.
• Tuesday, December 5 7:40 a.m. Campers at the Marsh Interpretive Center parking lot decorated their campsite with tarps and garbage.
7:53 a.m. A solo screecher set up a talknophical tempest at Seventh and F streets, haranguing both passersby and himself with gales of desultory denigration.
2:14 p.m. Someone on a bus near Westwood Center overheard a couple of fellow passengers talking about how their last chance to rob a bank will be on the 20th. But, the eavesdropper said, the sockdologizing stickup artists “seem unsure.”
• Wednesday, December 6 9:05 a.m. A brown and beige motor home parked outside a Valley West no-tell motel contained multiple dogs, with a foul odor issuing forth from inside.
12:55 p.m. Hunters returned from just outside the Marsh & Wildlife Sanctuary, placing their dead ducks and rifles on a picnic table.
2:31 p.m. Three to four shots were heard from the area of Klopp Lake at the Marsh & Wildlife Sanctuary.
• Thursday, December 7 8:53 a.m. Two burned books were found on the roadside along eastern Samoa Boulevard, a common occurrence.
11:07 a.m. A woman at a Community Park health club said that a member in the women’s locker room had told two other women that she was sensitive to fragrances, and asked that they not spray perfume. Instead, they thoroughly doused her all over with their perfumes.