Arcata Police Log: This is the dawning of the Age of Jerk-quarius

Sunday, August 30 3:54 p.m. A road-rage incident, bicycle edition, made for viral security cam TV as rocks were hurled at a college student and a store window broken at a Uniontown shopping center in what seemed like a good idea at the time.

6:16 p.m. A woman who had been beaten and choked unconscious showed up at the ER, her arms, abdomen and neck covered in bruises.

6:19 p.m. A blood-soaked, drunken man staggered from the hospital toward Janes Road.

6:48 p.m. The coroner paid a call to a Union Street apartment.

8:41 p.m. A man arguing at a Northtown market notified an adversary of a game-changing event: the imminent debut of his knife.

8:59 p.m. Someone on S Street argued with unseen hostile forces, their characteristics cloaked in darkness.

• Monday, August 31 7:27 a.m. When a caller from 12th Street told police of a “plastic tote smoldering,” fortunately they didn’t try to say it three times fast.

9:11 a.m. Simpering slumpabouts inhabited the bus shelter at Alliance Road and Spear Avenue, which was well furnished with queasiness-inducing trash and debris. After the photos were posted online, an enterprising City Council candidate armored up, rose to the challenge and cleansed the disgusto-stop.

12:26 p.m. The Uniontown breezeway/weirdling magnet hosted a chappie bearing some sort of druggie utensil. He was arrested for alcohol empicklement.

12:44 p.m. Civilization having degenerated into rock-throwing as a primary means of communication, a fusillade of stones were artisanally fired at a pickup truck on Spruce Way.

1:23 p.m. There was literally a kitten stuck up a tree on Frederick Avenue.

2:57 p.m. A man whose spirit animal was Frogger acted out his traffic-dodging dreams at Samoa Boulevard and H Street by bodily blocking vehicles, even attempting to punch a car into immobility near the abandoned-looking-but-not Chinese restaurant.

2:25 p.m. A Northtown parking lot was filled up over the weekend with someone’s heinous bulk wastes, including a bed frame, giant chunks of wood and a garbage can bulging with junk. 

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6:59 p.m. A man in green shirt and pants spouted gibberish and harassed reg’lar folk in the lobby of a Valley West hotel, then wandered off.

7:08 p.m. A man in gray sweats babbled nonsensically and refused to leave the lobby of a Valley West motel, and was spoken with.

10:01 p.m. A backpacker swiped a deck of smokes from a lower J Street mini-mart.

• Tuesday, September 1 2 a.m. A man in gray sweats refused to leave a Valley West hotel’s parking lot, where he’d shown a keen interest in the contents of vehicles.

7:59 a.m. A man dressed in a military uniform, complete with green fatigues, red scarf and green beret cover bore a rifle as he marched westbound on Eighth Street.

8:15 a.m. A purple van served as a rough-and-ready community center to a gaggle of randos in the parking of a defunct Valley West medical cannabis clinic.

8:33 a.m. A woman said she was walking her dog at the Marsh when this guy came up and without asking, as one would do out of basic courtesy, tried to feed it, blocking her efforts to edge past him on the path. When she turned around, he came and coughed in her face because it’s that kind of year. 

11:19 a.m. A Mack Roader got a receipt from a law firm in Virginia for a credit card payment that bore his name and address. The document seemed less than legit though, in that he doesn’t have credit cards, isn’t missing any money from his bank accounts and doesn’t know anyone in Virginia.

8:57 p.m. Someone who’d taken their eye off a shopping cart near the Library noticed some key provisions having been plucked, those being a soda and some whipped cream. 

9:53 p.m. “I’m going to beat you if you don’t shut up,” wailed a raging male to a woman in Beith Court.

• Wednesday, September 2 11:40 p.m. A Sunny Brae school caught on video what looked like a male person starting a fire out of clothing and plastic.

8:45 a.m. A two-car campsite on M Street included such refined amenities and a perpetual generator roar, a spiky smattering of hypodermic needles and the usual trashscaping.

12:38 p.m. On Meadow Creek way, multiple campsites were linked by a robust filament of strewn trash.

1:54 p.m. The dawning of the Age of Jerk-quarius was well into midday when a woman walking on Trail 8 in the Community Forest encountered a man clad in camouflage attire and two backpacks who whipped out a hammer as he walked near her.

3:09 p.m. Little Tex, a small brown and white dog, skittishly allowed only glimpses of his dogtag at Bayside Road and Crescent Way, then trotted off northbound into the maelstrom of road construction.

4:08 p.m. A tall, thin, bald man playing a flute disruptively on G Street was briefed on flute-intensive portions of the Arcata Municipal Code.

5:46 p.m. An East 13th Streeter left a door open, and two guitars disappeared.

8:06 p.m. A woman holding her abdomen at Felix Avenue and Martha Court had either been struck by or pushed out of a pickup truck.

6:23 p.m. An angry, angry man in blue plaid pants required inordinate maintenance at a 13th Street store. His argue/loiter frenzy earned him a trespassing warning.

9:27 p.m. A Westwood center supermarket customer called to complain that the store manager had been threatening him by following him around. Meanwhile, the manager could be heard in the background, asking the caller to put on his face mask. The unmasked he-Karen was moved along by police.

• September 3 8:48 a.m. Allegedly cut off in traffic by a company vehicle, a motorist mounted a telephone retaliation campaign, calling them every day about this historic injustice.

9 a.m. Someone complained about harassment from a particularly surly and vindictive online glassblowing group, one of whose members lives in Arcata.

12:13 p.m. A man at the Post Office hyperventilated, drawing excessive oxygen from the atmosphere’s ever-diminishing supply as he jibber-jabbered about his glasses. Medical forces were dispatched, but he’d ambled away.

1:46 p.m. The intensifying obnoxiousness theme grew ever burlier with a man in an orange shirt barreling around a Valley West burger stand’s parking lot in a gray SUV, honking its horn, blocking cars and yelling at people.

1:47 p.m. Further demonstrating the chronic reverse-wisdom of orange-hued individuals, the pumpkinesque SUV driver entered the drive-thru lane and attempted to place an order. Refused burgery goodness on grounds of prior shitheadery, he threatened an employee’s life. And away he drove.

2:04 p.m. After a man’s car was stolen, he received a text message asking that he meet the suspect in a Uniontown parking lot. There, for a “reward,” he could have his car back. He went there at the specified time, but the mystery texter never showed.

2:17 p.m. The flautist’s breathy peals pierced more holes in the brainpan of a nearby resident, who implored police for relief.


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