They say this town is full of cozenage,
As, nimble jugglers that deceive the eye,
Dark-working sorcerers that change the mind,
Soul-killing witches that deform the body,
Disguised cheaters, prating mountebanks,
And many such-like liberties of sin:
If it prove so, I will be gone the sooner.
I’ll to the Centaur, to go seek this slave:
I greatly fear my money is not safe.
– Antipholus of Syracuse, The Comedy of Errors
• Friday, April 5 12:23 a.m. An F Street couple chewed up the scenery (technically, they pounded on the walls), with the compulsory yelling and screaming. A uniformed counselor negotiated silence, with the male consigned to the couch for the night.
1:06–1:48 a.m. Basically, whoever wasn’t passed out in a downtown alley was screaming from a store entryway. Or so it seemed.
11:20 a.m. A housesitter overheard arguing between upstairs tenants, then, the next morning, found three knives which had been thrown from the balcony. What, she asked police, was she supposed to do with the knives – give them back?
1:01 p.m. After their fake $100 bill was detected at a Westwood store, the two dudes scrammed outta there towards some nearby apartments.
1:39 p.m. A Patrick Court possible pot grower drives too damn fast down the block when kids are out playing.
2:45 p.m. A man’s ex was working the phones, calling his house, his girlfriend and his work.
6:09 p.m. A lower H Street 911 enthusiast called to report someone “bleeding profusely.” He was warned about making false reports, but insisted this was for reals. Arcata Fire canceled the call.
8:49 p.m. After a brief but invigorating nap by the aisle 6 freezers, black-panted Beardo McBeanie (not his real name) navigated his way out of the store.
• Saturday, April 6 12:16 a.m. When a Crestwood Court resident returned home after a few days away, there were items in the house that didn’t belong there – other people’s stuff – and other property was missing. The resident couldn’t remember whether the back door had been locked, and waited out in the car for police to arrive out of fear that the intruder might still be inside.
3:16 p.m. A downtown apartment dweller complained of an upstairs resident using power tools again. Someone went in to assess the noise level, but heard only normal neighbor noise. Told that the sound level was normal for that time of day, the resident started yelling, much more loudly than any ambient clatter. An officer went to the supposed source of the power tool noise on the third floor, but didn’t hear any loud noise – in fact, some of the sound was coming from downstairs, where the complainant lives. Other residents said the place isn’t noisy, and that the actual problem is with the tenant who complains about it.
9:22 p.m. Nine cents worth of yelling at an Alliance Road mini-mart was sufficient to draw police. That mammoth sum is how much a beer buyer was short. Asked for the total amount, the customer went über-aggro on the clerk. A police visit made her banishment eternal.
• Sunday, April 7 4:53 p.m. A Mohawk-topped man was spitty-screechy here and there downtown, going all prating mountebank for a bit.
6:12 p.m. A man in a cowboy getup – hat and flannel shirt – was thought to have been stealing a vehicle. He said he was just looking for food, like a hungry cowpoke might.
• Monday, April 8 12:38 a.m. A 10th Street resident answered the door to find a woman and a bearded man demanding to take a shower at her house. They held some sort of sit-in on her porch until police came and showered them with advice to move along.
11:40 a.m. The problem wasn’t with the yaks, but with their grouchy tenders, who form a kind of yak-centered mobile argument service. Cordial greetings and friendly remarks about their exotic animals are met with blistering ripostes, and heaven help anyone who asks anything of the two irascible yaksmen, like to move out of the roadway at 14th and M streets. An officer attempted to detain the two for investigation, which triggered the usual verbal abuse and even brief physical resistance by one. They were made to sit on the ground while the officer determined the situation. They denied any altercation, and were released with a warning.
1:02 p.m. A man was seen with what appeared to be a special needs child, a boy of about 10 years old who appeared to be zipping or straightening his pants in an alley behind a Valley West liquor store. They were gone on officer arrival.
3:24 p.m. As a woman retrieved her mail from the mailboxes at a Union Street apartment building, a red-haired man with an English accent snatched her wallet from the side of her purse and ran off. She found and confronted him, but he denied the theft. Along with the wallet, she lost $60 cash.
• Monday, April 8 4:27 p.m. The way a neighbor describes them, they aren’t necessarily the world’s greatest parents. Apart from chugging weed in an enclosed space with the kids, they talk about drugs and argue profanely with the kids present, then leave them alone for extended periods.
• Tuesday, April 9 10:23 a.m. After two friends departed for Arcata, hitchhiking here to look at a boat, they didn’t return.
4:43 p.m. An RV park reported a man with a rental truck full of marijuana equipment.
4:50 p.m. A downtown business and its customers were slightly distracted by the lunatic making faces at them and giving them the finger after being asked to leave. Further investigation revealed his bloodstream riddled with adult beverages.
7:41 p.m. A McCallum Court resident saved a domestic duck from some kids who’d been chasing it. She left a note for the owner.
10:39 p.m. Well of course if you feast on wine and pills you’re going to want to “jump off the jetty.” It’s just surprising that you were coordinated enough to text that to anyone.
10:42 p.m. A “hassle” occurred in the front entrance area of a Plaza bar.
• Wednesday, April 10 11:20 a.m. A woman reported her son “feeding” his girlfriend meth and giving her an STD. Although it was also possible that she was imagining all this.
3:27 p.m. A Valley West mini-mart express ed concern about retaliation by a traveler due to a refusal of service.
4:45 p.m. A man complained that his wife, whom he is divorcing, had broken into his part of their house and his car and had stolen stuff, including his phone. Police called her and she said she’d return the phone.
6:02 p.m. Another man reported his girlfriend wigging out and wrecking stuff. This proved unsubstantiated.
9:30 p.m. Unbelievably, someone left slithy tove food – a purse and a gym bag – unattended in a car at the Marsh, and expected it to be there on her return.
• Thursday, April 11 8:56 a.m. A high school student said that a male student had started a fake Facebook page in her name, and that he claimed this was retaliation for her having done the same to him.
10:08 a.m. A Valley West woman was told that if she cashed a check, she would get $1 million. She didn’t cash it, and her supposed benefactor – apparently someone in Jamaica – told her to “watch her back.”
12:05 p.m. A man lurking on an apartment’s porch might have been less noticeable without the sombrero and force-multiplier plaid shirt.
1:46 p.m. A woman in a supermarket cried and said she’d been abused by her boyfriend. She was advised about services available to her.
2:57 p.m. A man was arrested on the Valley West freeway overpass on suspicion of beating his cohabitant.
5:28 p.m. Gas was siphoned from a car on 11th Street.
9:23 p.m. Escarda Way growers like to park their car in the fire lane. Challenged, they moved it to another part of the fire lane. The car finally made its way to the driveway, easing circulation for the many cars coming and going from the place.
• Friday, April 11 8:03 a.m. Oh, the folly of leaving an iPod in a car overnight on Villa Way – or anywhere else these days.
9:21 a.m. The downside of owning $1,300 sunglasses is that they may disappear from the bank counter if left unattended for a minute or two.
9:49 a.m. An Aloha Way car’s window was smashed in, allowing thieves to steal the backpack and wallet left inside. Two nights earlier, another car left unlocked had lost $300 in property.
10:40 a.m. A Courtyard Circle resident said her friend had gone through her pants pockets, stealing a drivers license, credit card and check.
Noon After a wallet was stolen in Eureka, debit card charges and check cashings ensued.
8:21 p.m. Someone called from the Plaza saying he needed help with the monsters, then hung up.
11:38 p.m. A woman had been so enraptured by the literature at a downtown bookstore that she totally spaced on where she’d parked her car. It was found in the 1100 block of G Street.
• Sunday, April 13 2:41 p.m. A woman reported her ex-husband possibly stalking her, watching her from behind a gate as she worked out at a health club.
9:48 p.m. If a Dorothy Court resident’s theory is true, the neighbors were simultaneously listening to both brain-blasting music and a police scanner. Because the moment police were dispatched, the tunes’ volume immediately went down.
• Monday, April 14 1:28 a.m. Some sort of wave of drunks shambled down Bayside Road, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake. Well, not really a trail, or destruction, just two triumphantly toppled recycling bins.
8:15 a.m. A lady who already owed money on a previous cab fare didn’t pay for her taxi ride when dropped off at Fifth and J streets. As she walked westbound on Fifth Street in her leopard-print dress, the cabbie followed her and called police. She was jailed on a medieval-sounding charge of defrauding an innkeeper.
12:01 p.m. Someone noticed that a sewer grate had been removed and placed in the roadway along the same Bayside Road route that the drunks had taken the previous night.
6:54 p.m. A California Avenue home was burgled of its electronics.
9:34 p.m. A man drunkenly banged on Hauser Court door, looking for a place to drunkenly slumber.
10:17 p.m. A man in camouflage pants knocked on a 14th Street door, looking for camping equipment. He then headed up toward Redwood Park.