• Wednesday, May 15 11:14 a.m. A last remaining vestige of a boyfriend from 10 years back was a bolt-action rifle, missing the bolt.
3:46 p.m. A handgun was among the items left inside abandoned luggage at the transit center.
5:07 p.m. Don’t “mess with people’s jobs,” warned an unknown female caller to an I Street business, “or else.”
• Thursday, May 16 1:14 a.m. While walking home along L.K. Wood Boulevard with friends whose names she didn’t know, a woman said a man threatened to sue her if she didn’t sleep with him. He had been drinking and fell down a hill. He told her he would say that she pushed him unless she had sex with him.
2:01 p.m. Two women and a man were reported loading cannabis plants into a canopied Chevy truck on Fickle Hill Road, and it looked like they had been pulled out of the Community Forest.
8:03 p.m. As a woman walked on Hallen Drive, a man with good teeth pulled up and flirted with her, offering to take her to lunch and camping.
11:44 p.m. A man in Valley West carried a woman rather ineffectively, dropping her bodily onto the ground. Next, the two were reported having sex in a motel driveway, after which one was arrested on a public drunkenness charge.
• Friday, May 17 3:17 a.m. A man reported his banjo stolen on 11th Street after he’d left the $1,000 instrument unsecured in the back of a pickup truck. But it wasn’t stolen – the banjo had simply bounced out of the truck and was later found by an officer. The owner was contacted and the plucky instrument returned.
7:55 a.m. A mama duck and ducklings tried to make it across the southeast corner of the roundabout at Samoa Boulevard and Union Street as a crow harassed them.
10:25 a.m. A bloody, barely-alive rat wandered at 11th and G streets. By the time an officer arrived, the rat had passed away.
5:01 p.m. Meat and dog poop were used not for purposes of good, but as weapons in a Samoa Boulevard neighbor dispute. After a resident complained of the enpoopment of her porch by the forces of feces, she said the poo purveyor had placed additionally meat of an unidentfied animal on her porch. An officer contacted both parties and got them to agree to relate to each other as adults.
• Saturday, May 18 12:53 a.m. A man someone suspected of being hopped up on psilocybin mushrooms assaulted an I Street woman, then ran through her backyard and plunged into a creek, into which he dropped his backpack. The soggy shroomer somehow eluded capture.
2:05 a.m. Two people were shot to death on Eye Street, the alleged murderer captured the same day.
12:48 p.m. A dog was left abandoned in a pet carrier on Janes Creek Drive. It was taken to the shelter.
3:50 p.m. A locked gas cap was pried off and gas siphoned from a vehicle on 12th Street.
4:28 p.m. A window was forced down on a Spear Avenue car, with paperwork, CDs and a wallet stolen.
5:50 p.m. A car window-smash at the Marsh netted the burglar sunglasses and a camera.
8:09 p.m. Relations between a soon-to-be-divorced husband and wife deteriorated to the point where she said he sprayed her with a garden hose.
11:10 p.m. A car was broken into and a backpack stolen on J Street.
• Sunday, May 19 10:44 p.m. A foul-mouthed man in sunglasses and baseball regalia – the protective gear a catcher wears – was detained on South G Street and committed to the nervous hospital.
• Monday, May 20 1:47 a.m. After smoking and casting out “intimidating looks” at a Plaza business, a man was arrested on a trespassing charge.
2:45 p.m. A Frederick Avenue man declared that if his girlfriend left him, he no longer wanted to live.
• Saturday, May 25 10:08 a.m. Several men with customized crania – one had a Mohawk ’do and another had stars imprinted on his head – entered a Uniontown variety store and stole a large bag of Allegra, which offers fast, non-drowsy 24-hour relief. But probably for the hypnotic effects of fexofenadine hydrochloride.
• Sunday, May 26 12:01 a.m. Skateboard-bearing slob made a mess inside a perpetual donut shop, then refused to leave. But leave he did, after police intervened.
6:03 p.m. A mobile hash lab burst into flame on Ninth Street as the hostess was off buying lunch meat to go with her tortillas. Various charred hippie-oriented items were extracted from the smoldering ruin of a van.
4:27 p.m. An SUV at the Marsh was window-smashed and enrummaged.
6:21 p.m. A fancifully-attired woman near a Fifth Street deity-assemblage facility danced in the street and rolled around on the sidewalk, filled with the glory o’ god or something. The woman and her blue, yellow and green striped coat with pink scarf were asked to move along.
8:53 p.m. A woman with dark, curly hair, white beanie, red shirt, black leggings and tan boots walked into a Westwood store, put some booze in her purse and scurried outside to join her companion, a woman with brown hair and a hot pink sweatshirt.
• Monday, May 27 6:14 a.m. A bearded, beaded man entered a 13th Street supermarket of choice and caused a wholly unnecessary wake-up kerfuffle, then locked himself in a bathroom. He was extracted and arrested on a trespassing charge.
11:23 a.m. A guitar-carrying man raged and railed on a Valley West corner, initiating arguments for a short time. He then rambled on.
12:10 p.m. A man carrying a skateboard and guitar held forth from the corner of Alliance and Spear, starting arguments. he was briefly detained, then released.
12:37 p.m. A laptop computer inexplicably left in a car at the Marsh was perfunctorily stolen via a window smash.
3:59 p.m. As a figure in black on a black bike pedaled away from the scene, a woman who’d been on a half-hour walk at the Marsh discovered her car windows smashed.
8:53 p.m. A backpack containing “baby items” and left in a car at 10th and I streets was stolen via window smash, because people never, apparently, learn.
• Tuesday, May 28 11:44 a.m. A nice mountain bike left unlocked in a Spear Avenue front yard met its inevitable fate.
12:47 p.m. In the latest of a series of personnel disputes, a tension-wracked Plaza business expressed concern about something known only as “Lance.”
1:28 p.m. A woman who allowed snails to crawl on her and called them “her friends” was said to be be displaying “unusual behavior.”
• Wednesday, May 29 4:51 a.m. A man addressed a personal problem in the most logical possible fashion – by yelling about it on the Seventh Street freeway overpass. Remarkably, this tactic didn’t get him his pooch back.
12:10 p.m. An anonymous caller reported a bruised child who smelled like marijuana coming to her door and asking for food. An officer went to the child’s home and talked to the mother, who said all three of her kids were in school, but that the officer was welcome to come and see them when they got home. Her fridge was as full of food as the anonymous caller turned out to be full of sh... er, malice. (Note: Marty won’t let me say “shit.” – Ed.)
1:39 p.m. No one seems to live at a Fifth Street residence that reeks of pot, and the day before, people were humping plants in and out. Could it be...?
1:4o p.m. A Plaza business owner... OK, it’s Luke... went to City Hall to discuss vehicle loading and unloading in front of his business. He was told not to park at the bus stop, but to double park. He then asked for a definition of “double parking.”
2:05 p.m. A woman’s low-effort approach to walking her dog is to drive around the neighborhood with the pooch padding along behind her car.
4:37 p.m. Our Luke was released from handcuffs after being sidewalk-detained following further spectacularly inefficient inquiries with patrol officers about double parking, a discussion punctuated by a slammed door.
• Friday, May 31 2:49 a.m. A bearded, hatted man in sunglasses yelled and refused to depart a Plaza hotel. He was arrested on a public drunkenness charge.3:34 a.m. A man described as walking down G Street, hitting signs and not wearing a shirt was, by the time police reached him five minutes later, clad in only an undergarment, yelling and “extremely combative.” Captain Underpants was arrested and taken to the ER, and his discarded clothing scooped up.
8:26 a.m. A car window was smashed and a purse taken at the Marsh.
10:14 a.m. A citizen complained about the trail of yak emissions accumulating from the spiritual trekkers/mobile argument service that passes through the area of 14th and A streets every day.
5:11 p.m. A candidate for Father of the Year was seen smoking dope while driving, a procedure which required taking both hands off the steering wheel. Kid in the car? Check.
10:13 p.m. A pink-jacketed and desperately thirsty woman fled from a Westwood Center store with two purloined bottles of hooch.
• Sunday, June 2 2:40 a.m. A thin man in a gray jacket performed his version of public service at Alliance Road and Foster Avenue, placing some trash in the road and for good measure, kicking at a fence afterward. With that, he was on his way.
9:43 a.m. The yammering yakherders didn’t well receive a request to clean up their animals’ emissions at 14th and A streets. “Vague threats” were reportedly issued.
10:23 a.m. The next known argument along the yaksmen’s route was at 10th and I streets, where a verbal confrontation was consummated with flying spittle.
3:30 p.m. Rampaging dogs in the Redwood Park meadow earned their owners tickets.
• Monday, June 3 9:51 a.m. Neighborly noise issues became orders of magnitude more conflictuous when the loudie invoked a combat metaphor. “This is a kill zone,” he said. “Someone’s going to die.” Police offered a two-step program for de-escalating the conflict: quiet down and respect your neighbors.
2:24 p.m. Folks spray-painting their vehicle at Eighth and H streets were advised that the overspray might be reaching other vehicles. They agreed, and moved their “activities” elsewhere.
• Tuesday, June 4 1:33 p.m. One of the ill-tempered messiahs who roam Arcata’s streets dispensing wisdom and verbal abuse, this one clad in white robes, screamed at a hapless heathen on H Street. The holy hooligan was located near a laundromat and arrested on a public drunkenness charge.
1:49 p.m. A heap of possibly stolen bicycles and bike parts accumulated in front of an Alliance Road apartment.
2:34 p.m. A woman taking an afternoon nap in her Valley West apartment heard a knock on the door, which she didn’t answer. She then heard someone open the unlocked door, enter and stand there for a few moments before leaving.
6:07 p.m. A camouflage-panted man was easily detected taking a whiz in the handicapped parking spot at a Valley Wests restaurant. He was swiftly arrested on public drunkenness charges.
10:26 p.m. People having sex near Janes Creek on Alliance Road were deemed drunk, and arrested.
• Wednesday, June 5 2:19 p.m. A woman claimed she had bought hydroponic equipment valued at $20,000, which she and her boyfriend shared. They went in together on a storage space, but she found that he had used his key to access the space and raided it of all the equipment.
4:01 p.m. A woman said that during a child custody exchange, the father of her children handed her two rolls of nickels and two rolls of pennies and said, “Here’s your ransom.”
4:14 p.m. A reported sexual assault in a Uniontown parking lot was a grandpa tickling his granddaughter.
4:56 p.m. A water pipe was put through its paces at Ninth and H streets.
8:49 p.m. A man reported a squirt gun brandishing at Uniontown, with the commandment, “Don’t ask for money.”
• Thursday, June 6 4:40 p.m. A “spoonful of drugs” was reported in the bathroom of a Valley West golden arches. An officer found just a spoon, any lovin’ spoonfuls o’ druggedy goodness having been lapped up by unknown forces prior to their arrival.
7:05 p.m. Apparently there is at least one purse that hasn’t been ripped off at the Marsh parking lot. Or was.
• Friday, June 7 2:14 a.m. Drunk and bloody-nosed from a fall, a man attempting to check in to a low-budget Valley West motel was trying to do the right thing and secure his person, and was allowed to do so.
1:38 p.m. A Crescent Way resident complained of a dog off leash, and the dog’s owner, who, on receiving a complaint about the romping lab, threatened her and her daughter. Over to the dog owner, who complained that the woman stands on the sidewalk in front of his house and stares through the windows, and intentionally walks her cat into their garden so the kitty may poop upon it.
3:59 p.m. A man in red basketball shorts and a “Humboldt Trainwreck” sweatshirt stole alcohol and chicken from a Valley West home of honest goodness – twice.
11:45 p.m. Sidewalk sitabouts clumped up in front of a downtown brewery, banging drums and making noise until moved along.
• Saturday, June 8 12:33 p.m. A man carrying buckets of some sort walked past an F Street laundromat, yelling and screaming, possibly about having to tromp about with buckets in the midnight hour.
8:59 a.m. A cat stalking chickens on F Street was captured and taken to the animal shelter.
9:50 a.m. A high-maintenance lower H Street resident complained of someone who had been released from the nervous hospital having thrown bricks at his house, something that happened two days ago. An officer traveled the well-worn route to the chronic complainer’s home, but the resident refused to show the officer any brick damage, then got snitty and slammed the door on the cop.
12:38 p.m. When a driver wearing a baseball cap and goatee zoomed down the Buttermilk Lane Raceway past Sunny Brae Middle School, a woman ruefully shook her head at him. He could not countenance this impingement on his liberty/velocity, and lashed the woman with screams of verbal abuse.
2:32 p.m. A drummer trying to hone his skills in a Fourth Street garage was complained about, by someone who presumably enjoys music including drums, performed by drummers who somehow acquired their skills despite mid-day whingeing by neighbors.
2:42 p.m. A lower H Street resident complained that his roommate was verbally abusing him, but said that he wouldn’t let police in if they came over.
8:21 p.m. A goateed dolt and his dubious friends drove around at 14th and B streets, blasting an air horn and running over someone’s skateboard.
• Sunday, June 9 12:39 p.m. A man went into a Plaza mattress store asking for bicycle repairs. He said he had found a bike, but wanted the mattress personnel to fix it before he turned it in to police.
• Monday, June 10 3:18 p.m. An infestation of potentially treacherous hangabouts was reported on Jay Street.
5:02 p.m. Veterans Memorial Park was trampled, littered on and denuded of foliage.
• Tuesday, June 11 9:05 a.m. A Ribeiro Lane resident found an empty gas can and a container marked “corrosive” placed underneath his truck.
10:50 p.m. A woman reported her dog barking in the direction of the Veterans Memorial Building.
• Wednesday, June 12 11:56 p.m. A man reported that his mother had called him, and she sounded stressed out.