• Tuesday, August 18 3:39 p.m. An unemployee had a friend help him set up his online EDD account, but she changed the passwords, and had the card sent to someone else’s post office box. He called EDD and learned that the card had been used multiple times, just not by him.
4:48 p.m. After a restaurant patron let a server take her card to ring up payment, it was used to charge things in Medford, Ore.
6:07 p.m. A man said someone had colluded with his girlfriend to steal his crossbow from his Bayside Road campsite.
6:32 p.m. A shoplifter stole a bottle of tea from a Valley West store, then headed for a nearby field.
• Wednesday, August 19 9:25 a.m. “I’m going to put a hit on you!” vowed a woman in a J Street backyard. That chore had to wait, though, as she busied herself throwing objects at a fence.
9:59 a.m. A nomad left his backpack containing his passport and cell phone on the Plaza on the dubious premise that it would still be there on his return, and now those items are fond memories.
11:41 a.m. Someone broke down the door to a Northtown motel room, damaged the room and took a refreshing shower.
11:52 a.m. A woman reported her boyfriend slamming her to the ground, and if that seemed extreme, wait until the “handful of pills” he took kick in.
12:12 p.m. A man was seen strolling down Samoa Boulevard and spitting into vehicles.
12:25 p.m. Another vanishing backpack was last seen near the scary loo at Eighth and F streets.
2:54 p.m. A conscientious motorist pulled over neat the South G Street freeway onramp to use his cell phone, angering a nearby motor home resident who went all Karen on him.
3:26 p.m. In keeping with tradition, a woman lingering and smoking the drugs in front of a Valley West business refused to leave when asked, with her shopping cart full of property lodged in the entryway. Police moved her along.
3:51 p.m. Doubts gathered as to the neighborliness of campers on the grounds of a Boyd Road mobile home park, what with the vandalism, vehicle burglary and needles scattered around, plus them bonus brimming buckets o’ poo.
4:22 p.m. If you should see the interloper who plopped ’n’ squatted – not ordering anything but refusing to leave – at one of the sidewalk tables at a downtown restaurant, you’ll recognize him by his distinctive features: long hair, beard and backpack.
9:01 p.m. A slobby shoplifter’s counterintuitive but effective technique at a Valley West supermarket was something akin to “dazzle” camouflage as he ostentatiously stuffed grocery items in his pockets. He then shambled away southbound, ill-gotten gains falling out of his overstuffed pockets, and dang if he didn’t get away with it.
• Thursday, August 20 5:33 a.m. A man on K Street voiced his concerns about demons at volume levels sufficient to raise the dead.
1:59 p.m. A woman complained of her ex-girlfriend calling her 100 times per day. Though she’d changed her number, the sheer ferocity of the ex’s obsession somehow neutralized that defensive measure.
• Friday, August 21 9:41 a.m. A man in a truck with a bike strapped to the back set a box full of used needles down on the Eighth Street sidewalk and left it there, his problem solved.
9:50 a.m. Someone found a sunglasses case full of used needles, and tossed them in a recycling bin.
11:26 a.m. As she strolled past 11th and F streets, a woman observed a man in a gray vest or wife-beater undergarment destroying plants in an entranceway. On sighting her, he broke off his defoliation campaign to pursue the woman as he carried a black or white bag and other items.
11:34 a.m. A man in a white tank top carrying a bunch of bags got ornery with the staff of an F Street store, erupting in hostile profanities when asked to move along.
2:35–2:39 p.m. An urban guerrilla clad in a loincloth shat in the bozo-beleagured breezeway at a Uniontown shopping center. He was arrested for public drunkenness.
• Saturday, August 22 6:45 p.m. As a man and woman’s argument escalated in Westwood Center, concerned bystanders attempted to separate them. But the he-she combatants found common cause in throwing objects at the meddlesome passersby so as to abate their unwanted peacemaking initiative and resume battle.