• Tuesday, October 1 12:21 a.m. A downtown brewery’s wall sports a new, fist-shaped hole, courtesy of a man who had been invited to leave. He then waved a knife at the failed aesthetes who couldn’t properly savor his knuckle sandwich-based remodeling contributions.
10:55 a.m. Whatever sorts of fumes a man on 16th Street was sucking out of a glass pipe for the past half hour, they had immobilized him. After an uneasy period of statue imitation, he, his toking tube and culturally misappropriated blonde Mohawk were asked to head down the road.
11:11 a.m. The upper parking lot at the community sports complex is working out well as a traveler homestead, their paved paradisiacal settlement expanding and growing ever more permanent, with its ever-growing alluvial fan of garbage, all of this to the exclusion of vulgarians who would use the parking lot for mere parking.
3:12 p.m. A wheelchair user on Ninth Street wore a jaunty red hat to contrast with his blue mouth as he blurted obscenities at passersby.
7:29 p.m. A man in a red hat brought unneeded complication to otherwise peaceable pastry noshing at a downtown donut-oriented dingbat daycare. He showed little enthusiasm for suggestions that he leave.
• Wednesday, October 2 8:58 p.m. A man out behind a Valley West sandwich shop had his behind out, and may have taken the first part of the term “dumpster” as a command, in that an actual dump ensued.
• Thursday, October 3 9:40 a.m. Someone was worried about a dog who is rarely seen outside a small residential trailer at the Old Creamery.
9:51 a.m. One of the RV occupants helping make the 14th Street forest park-ing lot more creepy found an innovative new way to degrade the zone and occupy municipal services – by leaving a tea kettle on the boil over a gas flame inside the sealed residential bus and not answering urgent knocks on the door.
11:52 a.m. An obscenity-spouting wheelchair user in a red hat found a Uniontown shopping center to be fresh and fertile yelling ground, to the dismay of those in the area unaccustomed to the coarse ravings.
• Thursday, October 3 2:21 p.m. A 13th Street supermarket shoplifter’s sweet stealings – a frozen dessert and a soda – hardly reflected the properly balanced diet a young thief needs to go about ripping off groceries and raising grocery prices for those hopeless traditionalists who actually pay for their noms. Store officials sat him down in the office to counsel him on dietary choices, or maybe just to call police.
3:46 p.m. A little lost chihuahua with no dogtags followed its nose into a G Street sandwich shop that must have smelled wondrously inviting to its pert little sniffer.
6:11 p.m. A Valley West motel lodger reported a woman dragging her distressed children around by their hair in the parking lot.
8:16 p.m. A drunken staggerer with car keys in his hand was frustrated in his efforts to earn a negligent homicide conviction by the insurmountable challenge of trying to locate his vehicle using only the alcohol-addled brain circuitry he was equipped with at the time. Defeated in his car quest, he plunked down at 10th and I streets to ponder his options and wait for the spins to subside.
8:27 p.m. Whatever the wayward youth in the bushes near 10th and L streets were smoking and huffing, it involved the noisy discharge of aerosol cans.
10:01 p.m. The gibbering dillrod outside a community park health club may have been addled and incoherent, but he was able to punch a hole in a wall before wandering away.
• Friday, October 4 10:15 a.m. Someone on Beverly Way hired the world’s worst electrician, who stole circuit breakers and tools, wrecked things and left behind druggie residue.
11:05 a.m. A woman on K Street said a business there had removed her license plate cover and replaced it with one touting their biz, which hardly seems cricket.
11:15 a.m. A woman reported that whoever had stolen her purse in Irvine, Calif. had used her keys to vandalize her car on F Street. Police determined that the tale was far-fetched.
8:33 p.m. Today’s electronicated youth found a juice box – not the kind dispensing liquid fruity goodness, but one that accepts USB changing plugs – outside an historic 16th Street school building. There, they gathered to suckle at the electron-dispensing teat of a power outlet to charge their cellular-style telephones, against the wishes of the property owner.
8:43 p.m. A 12th Street resident said someone broke into her home to burglarize it, then pushed her back inside the house on leaving. She called police as the residential robber drove back and forth in a white sedan out front.
• Saturday, October 5 9:15 p.m. A man pooping in the front entrance of the Vets Hall was encouraged to move his malodorous movement elsewhere.
• Sunday, October 6 2:15 a.m. When a woman caught fire near a 14th Street health facility, someone threw water on her to douse the combustible damsel.
11:51 p.m. A large trash panda on some kind of power trip stationed itself at the top of some E Street stairs, preventing a woman from retrieving her laundry.
• Monday, October 7 7:59 a.m. A Union Street school’s conscientious efforts to prepare for emergencies by caching supplies in a box on an outside porch went awry when the inevitable wandering opportunivore happened upon the unprotected store of goodies with probable camping utility, and gutted it.
9:14 a.m. A man called to have police go to his former residence and pick up his cat from his ex, then lodge it at the police station for him to pick up later. Unfortunately, APD’s cat-relaying and holding services were unavailable at that moment because in fact, they never actually existed. He was advised to have a friend help him out.
1:27 p.m. The seductive allure of a nearby manure pile attracted a man of sorts who was unencumbered by any apparent shirt, who then folicked and yelled as he tossed pallets about.
4:06 p.m. A man with red “frizzy” hair set about revising murals on N Street with use of paint or marking pens.
• Tuesday, October 8 9:26 a.m. Two outdoorsmen injected breakfast at the marsh.
1:10 a.m. A man at a 13th Street supermarket of choice and forewent furtive attempts at grocery concealment, and just started eating. The chomplifter was cited.
3:27 p.m. Your reaction to seeing a mom and her two daughters outside a dance studio probably wouldn’t be to erupt in profane howling, but then you aren’t the special person in a T-shirt and brown hat with a surfeit of spare time on Eighth Street.
6:42 p.m. It looked to one person as though the porta-potty in Larson Park was hosting some sort of squalid druggie dealings, with people quickly going in and out of the putrid poo booth in an apparent exchange of contraband, or maybe just for recreation.
9:04 p.m. Someone called the police over a burrito that was allegedly missing an ingredient on Bayside Road, with the restaurant refusing to issue a refund.
• Wednesday, October 9 6:27 a.m. Ah, time for some light wake-up scuffling on Antoine Avenue.
8:19 a.m. In a nostalgic throwback to 2009, a home on Janes Road was said to be stenchy-stenchy with cannabis, with all kinds of people a-coming and going from the place.
8:51 p.m. When you’re well and truly soused, the roundabout at Samoa Boulevard and Buttermilk Lane serves as a handy rideshare pickup station, where today’s enterprising drunk may just get into any passing car, or try to.
• Thursday, October 10 10:01 a.m. As Eighth Street supermarket employees disposed of food that had spoiled during the planned power outage out back of the store, dumpster spelunkers swiftly retrieved the rancid refuse. There was concern that the bacteria-friendly discards might sicken them.
• Friday, October 11 12:06 p.m. A woman was reported mining a G Street dumpster for spoiled food.
1:39 p.m. A blackout-related line of cars queued up for gas on Alliance Road confounded at least one motorist unaccustomed to navigating such a situation. A car vs. car doinking ended in dents.
10:22 p.m. Go west, naked man. This was the vision quest of the stop-and-go streaker headed down Buttermilk Lane who paused only long enough to nude-rummage through a woman’s mailbox, as one does. He was cited for reduced functions of the behavioral inhibitory centers in the brain pursuant to a severe beveraging.
• Saturday, October 12 4:51 p.m. Whoever and whatever was going on with the merry funsters inside the Portland Loo at Eighth and F streets, the riotous festivities involved hootin’ and hollerin’ of such severity that it alarmed a passerby.
5:53 p.m. A Spear Avenuer went to pull into his driveway, but couldn’t because of a man kneeling in the driveway. This made him uneasy due to recent crime in the area not known to be linked to kneeling. The knee-taker was arrested on a warrant.
8:29 p.m. A man at Ninth and H streets screamed about being kicked in the head, and warned that a grand mal seizure was coming on. As medical aid went looking for him, someone was arrested on an assault charge.
8:44 p.m. On Cedar Avenue, one man held the other in a choke hold, then threw him on a wooden pl1atform.
• Sunday, October 13 1:33 p.m. A man asked that police come to the Temperance League drinking fountain and help talk his girlfriend out of her crazy-talk plan of walking to Eureka.
12:37 p.m. A tan-panted, bike-borne grocery brigand and his basketful of ill-gotten honest goodness snabbed from a Valley West supermarket pedaled purposefully away through a breezeway of ill repute, to rejoin his colleagues in the area’s many open-air, litter-landscaped shoplifter-hibernacula, only to be arrested for petty theft. Details of his specific grocery selections weren’t immediately available for mockery.
2:21 p.m. An Evergreen Lane resident characterized his roommate’s behavior as “being aggressive” just because he broke into his bedroom and peed on the bed.
5 p.m. Dog-hitting’s rise in popularity as a leisure pursuit hasn’t made some citizens comfortable with the practice, so when a woman in Valley West was seen striking her dog, another woman took her to task on it. The two got into a fight, and the woman who’d intervened ended up pepper spraying the dog owner and walking off with her fuzzy punching bag. Police were called to the strife-torn streetcorner make some sort of Solomon-like adjudication.
• Monday, October 14 8:36 a.m. The cows in the bayside pasture west of Sunny Brae were bellowing louder than usual, according to a citizen’s moo-meter.
9:10 a.m. Someone was concerned about hobos at the marsh who were smoking something other than marijuana.
9:34 a.m. Following the ironclad unwritten rule of illegal camping, a man who’d set up a campsite against the chainlink fence beyond the swingset in Vinum Park immediately set about crapping up the place with debris. He was cited and ordered to disperse.
1:57 p.m. A choke of doke smopers in an H Street alley refused to disperse, or maybe it just took their THC-gummed musculoskeletal systems longer to process the commands.
4:14 p.m. The disreputable Valley West breezeway sunk deeper into ignominy when six layabouts took up residence, smoking, drinking and strewing things around that technically weren’t conducive to breezing through a way.
• Tuesday, October 15 9:27 a.m. The crap encrustation at the Vinum Park campsite continued to grow.
9:44 p.m. A citizen objected to a band playing loudly on Granite Avenue, but a band defender was quick to respond with the raw firepower of a megaphone and obscenities.
• Wednesday, October 16 8:13 a.m. A Valley West school that is all but powerless in fending off no-account wanderers on a near-daily basis now reported the theft of two solar panels.
10:45 a.m. The chances of a shivering puppy surviving alone in a rough-and-tumble M Street storage yard aren’t high, but someone found it and called police.
11:25 a.m. Just down the way on M Street, a woman in red seen dumping a chihuahua and zooming away in a blaze of irresponsible pet abandonment. Someone tried to catch the abandoned doggie, but the last anyone saw of it was its little butt scuttling away down a trail.
12:31 p.m. Anyone walking down Trail 8 between Trails 6 and 12 in the community forest would have happened upon a man on the ground with his pants down and eyes rolled back. A passerby asked if he was OK, and he grunted in the affirmative, though the circumstances argued strongly otherwise. When police arrived, the disempanted derelict had left the scene.
12:47 p.m. It’s getting so you can’t called the cops on your Bayside Road neighbor any more without him taking it out on your car’s antenna, its formerly nick- and ding-less finish and the contents of the gas tank.
4:10 p.m. A man in his twenties was reported very publicly slamming the ham candle right across from a Northtown sandwich shop.
7:39 p.m. A rooster seen roaming A Street for a couple of days turned up in a box on someone’s porch, like it was their feathery foundling to care for from now on.