• Friday, August 30 10 a.m. When a man with a blue “wrap” on his head was found lingering upstairs in a downtown building where he weren’t spoze’ta be, he proposed an interim solution: to strike the person who found him with a chair.
11:51 a.m. Another household furnishing was conscripted to resolve a disagreement when a mother-daughter conflict briefly saw mom charge her spawn with a lamp.
12:49 p.m. While no one disputes the erotic potential of a red Chevy Blazer parked in a Valley West golden arches parking lot, the two making whoopee inside were deemed a threat to propriety, given the presence of children.
2:23 p.m. A man in stylishly matching green-shorts-and-shirt ensemble sharpened a knife on a wire attached to a stop sign on Alliance Road, which gave a passerby pause in that school was soon to let out and little kids would be walking past the brazen bladesman and his gleaming slicer.
4:14 p.m. Just prior to his call descending into unintelligible gibberish, a man was able to relate a story about leaving his wallet with $400 in $50 bills inside on top of something called a “phone booth” at the transit center, and some hairy guy stealing it.
• Saturday, August 31 12:15 a.m. A sudden and unexplained paroxysm of door slamming engulfed Valley West Boulevard.
12:09 p.m. Relentless beeping of unknown origin transformed I Street into a brain-pummeling land of ceaseless sine-wave bursts.
4:03 p.m. From a rooftop at the end of Lewis Avenue, summertime funsters – at least one of them without benefit of clothing – “shot” golf balls out into the neighborhood via some unspecified naked-person technology.
8:13 p.m. Someone smeared epoxy on a car’s windshield, either on Beverly Way or at a Sunny Brae supermarket.
• Sunday, September 1 12:54 p.m. The rationale for flamboyant wielding of a machete in a carport may never wholly understood, but it must have been highly impressive to the resident’s fleet of cats and dogs.
7:21 p.m. A semi-clad couple succumbed to the irresistible sexy-time vibe of a Seventh Street bank ATM, giving an alarmed passerby a convincing impression of friskiness in progress in nearby shrubbery. However, the extent of the erotic misadventure was overbilled.
11:39 p.m. A woman with a leopard-print bag huddled in a Plaza alcove, threatening to cut passersby in half.
• Monday, September 2 10:24 a.m. A man in a downtown store’s parking lot busied himself breaking glass and rummaging through garbage.
1:51 p.m. A woman went into an H Street business, yelled at employees, stole paper and then went back outside to suck on a pacifier. Throughout the episode, the distracting bizarreness of her behavior left no one involved with any memory of her attire.
2:56 p.m. A four- to five-dog pack of pooches went after a man outside a Plaza liquor store, with subsequent calls to police describing a battle between humans over the dogs. When police arrived, the growly scrappers had dissipated.
7:41 p.m. A car parked like the wind in Valley West, straining the limits of machine and man in terms of how much noise each could make in a hamburger stand’s parking lot. As the car’s alarm yelped robotically, a man on a bicycle serenaded the ailing vehicle with top-volume analog screechery. He then rode away, wind in his hair, shifting and drifting.
9:57 p.m. After a spasm of road ragery, an aggrieved driver followed their newfound highway foe to Hallen Drive to circle, stare and glare, with little cartoon daggers shooting out of their eyes at the other person.
10:01 p.m. Whether in celebration or conflict, a pair of men in Coombs Court honked a car horn and yelled with or at each other.
• Tuesday, September 3 6:53 a.m. His orange beard might have correlated with a cheery, colorful attitude or at a minimum some kind of mercenary Ronald McDonald-like industrial jollity. But no. The Valley West man’s facial clown wig masked a sad, even surly visage that made noises indicating a willingness to fight someone as though it’s their fault he looks so much like a moldy pumpkin.
11:42 a.m. Someone left their nice car with a custom paint job with the blue-green fade down the side out front of a G Street business and nipped inside for five or 10 minutes. And left the keys in the car. Like antibodies, the seething slurry of slithy toves that floods Arcata’s streets swiftly engulfed the vehicle, and it was gone.
10:24 p.m. A man who’d already stolen a tip jar from a Community Park health club was back, brazenly showering at the place whose workers he’d cheated. He was shown the door and told never to return.
• Wednesday, September 4 1:31 p.m. An Alliance Road resident reported a man banging on her door and then rolling around on the grass outside. The knock and roller was arrested.
9:39 p.m. A loose pig in a Janes Road yard eluded execution because rather than leave it with a friendly stranger, the Sheriff’s Office was summoned.
• Thursday, September 5 5:26 a.m. A bacchanal of bibulants glugged breakfast beverages out behind the library, a secluded parking lot tidepool teeming with libertine indulgence and sporadic pooping.
7:54 p.m. An Alliance Roader lines his yard with traffic cones to keep cars from parking on the grass, or did. He happened to notice a neighbor collecting the cones and deconstructing his perky palisade, and asked why. Because, the neighbor said, they were “ugly.” Ordered to restore the cone zone, neighbor-guy complied. But later, the ragtag roadside rampart mysteriously disappeared altogether.
• Friday, September 6 6:28 p.m. A tattooed man in a classic white t-shirt was said to be wounded and on fire between a Northtown market and motel. Police were asked to check in and see how all that was going for him.
6:28 p.m. At the same location, compounding the madness of the moment was a man in a wheelchair imploring passersby for water and food.