• Wednesday, April 11 2:02 p.m. A woman attempting to enter her Ninth Street business was unable to do so because of the mandatory beardo-weirdo projecting discomfort in some nearby bushes. He had a blanket over his head and motioned with his arms at her, at one point mimicking her movements.
11:21 p.m. The world is a carousel of drunkards, each with their own peculiar way of annoying those around them. A doddering drunk on Sunset Avenue and Jay Street wore a red sweater as he paced back and forth, blowing a whistle, the piercing music of which was wholly disenjoyed by area residents. In a potentially debilitating blow to the whistle industry, he was arrested for public drunkenness.
• Friday, April 13 2:04 a.m. A drunken and disoriented woman wearing a multicolored robe entered a Union Street apartment asking for a glass of water, then scampered off toward the Community Center.
7:27 a.m. Yeah right, that phone call was totally from the IRS. Or as the kids say – not!
5:04 a.m. For whatever reason, a Plaza business didn’t want a man wearing face paint and a zebra blanket to use its bathroom. This triggered the usual spate of ineffectual verbal aggression and a call to police.
3:56 p.m. The doors on the car behind a G Street bank were locked and there was no damage, and yet somehow that subwoofer had vanished into thin air.
6:34 p.m. What, you won’t give me money? Never mind that grocery shopping you were planning – instead, we must argue.
• Saturday, April 14 9:28 p.m. Bike-borne scumlords appeared to be using Aldergrove Marsh as a base in which to camp and mount thieving raids on surrounding areas.
• Sunday, April 15 6:56 p.m. After noshing on some cannabis edibles, a man was reported by his wife to be “having difficulty controlling his body.”
• Monday, April 16 12:15 p.m. A man retrieved a chair from an Alliance Road dumpster, plopped down in it and settled in for a bout of staring into a woman’s apartment. Police interrupted his surveillance and moved him along.
• Tuesday, April 17 3:07 a.m. A lodger at a Plaza hotel snuck into the downstairs banquet room and trashed it, then went back to his room. Police arrested him for malicious mischief.
4:53 a.m. A man with a goatee and scabs on his face stole a bag of food from an Alliance Road mini-mart and headed southbound on Alliance Road.
11:37 a.m. Beggars at the Seventh Street entrance to a Uniontown shopping center bore signs asking for financial aid to get their other dogs out of the animal shelter. But the dogs they had looked underfed and possibly in need of medical care, and one was allowed to take a dump in a store’s entrance.
1:22 p.m. A man in a brown hoodie, black sweat pants and scabby face made off with a box of food and a smoothie from a 13th Street store and headed off toward the Plaza.
• Wednesday, April 18 2:27 p.m. A 13th Street store had a package it never sent returned to it returned there, as it was listed as the return address. It had been sent to Italy but never made it, and may have had drugs inside.
• Thursday, April 19 10:57 a.m. An L.K. Wood Boulevard roommate wrote a bad check for $133.75 and moved to Denver.
3:43 p.m. A man left the door to his car ajar for a minute on Angelus Avenue. This was just long enough for a slithy tove to slither his hand into the pack and pluck out the man’s wallet.
• Friday, April 20 4:25 p.m. Jolly 4/20 merriment at Sixth and I streets involved pouring gasoline in the roadway, lighting it with a match and then standing around taking pictures of the prancing pavement plasma. All of this was immensely meaningful if you were baked beyond all recognition, as is customary on this hallowed day.
• Saturday, April 21 8:21 a.m. A Union Street woman notified her neighbor of a free service to which she would be treated – that she was going to “make her life miserable.”
12:37 p.m. A not-gentleman out for a sumptuous and stylish lunch at a Plaza tavern/restaurant wore his tweed blazer and fedora with long, brown dreadlocks, and walked out on his $47.58 tab.
• Sunday, April 22 2:05 a.m. Screaming, sobbing and slamming of a door were the sounds emanating from an upstairs Union Street apartment.
7:36 p.m. It’s a bad sign when water is pouring out of electrical fixtures in the ceiling at an Alliance Road apartment building, and even worse when Apartment 13’s ceiling caves in.
• Monday. April 23 10:18 a.m. A man in blue jeans and what was either a skirt or a plaid jacket tied around his waist roved about inside a downtown insurance office, panhandling.
12:52 p.m. A man at a low-to-no budget Valley West motel made paranoid and cryptic statements, something to the effect of “making the turn” which can “result in chaos.”
• Tuesday, April 24 11:44 p.m. Somewhere in the embankment near the U.S. Highway 101/SR299 intersection, idlers hurled water balloons into oncoming traffic.
• Wednesday, April 25 11:33 a.m. Someone had gone around trying the screen doors on apartments on Crescent Way at 3 a.m. the previous night.