• Sunday, January 19 6:56 p.m. A man in tan jacket and pants shoelessly padded about an I Street parking lot snarling at customers and disrupting commerce. Police encouraged him to begone, and blurt his beige braggaduncio elsewhere.
11:32 a.m. A man festooned with hoodie, backpack and foam pad used the corner of 11th and G streets as his pulpit from which to pummel the populace with profanity. The shambolic shouter then enjoyed a restful sit-down at a nearby bank.
12:17 p.m. Another swear word-shrieker in Larson Park chose not to broadcast his bellowings, but to focus the odious obscenities on a woman and her children. He was arrested.
5:30 a.m. “Please, he’s lying,” said a crying woman as heard on the background of a 911 call. It sounded like a man was pushing her as she pleaded with someone unknown.
8:24 a.m. Where east meets west in northern Arcata, two menfolk argued, though one enjoyed the supplemental philosophical gravitas of a metal pipe. But the playing field at Valley East and Valley West boulevards was leveled with the other guy went gaseous and whipped out his pepper spray, whereupon the stinging fog of war neutralized the pipe’s persuasive powers.
8:48 a.m. A dog was reported stuck in a crate on Buttermilk Lane for the last two weeks. The poor pooch had an ailing leg with a splint that needed changing every five days, but that hadn’t been done in a month. The dog’s owner was unavailable, being incarcerated for another two or three months.
2:21 p.m. Now that medical cannabis licenses are no longer required, the Valley West clinic which once issued them is closed, and the campers who used to inhabit its grounds and crawlspace are now pervading its vacant offices. The usual left-behind residue included garbage, clothes and sleeping bags. The greasy, 2006-vintage copies of Field and Stream were already there.
5:06 p.m. A Q Street resident said a neighbor had seen a porch piratess pluck a package from his property at about 3:23 p.m. Lost to the black-haired woman in a pink sweatshirt with a maroon Toyota Tundra were a desk lamp and a cat tube.
5:11 p.m. A man swirling in a small Sargasso Sea of personal possessions and garbage sat outside an M Street business, glomming onto someone else’s helpless electrons through the power outlets.
8:45 p.m. In a nightmarish scenario, an Angelus Avenue resident arrived home to find her front door blocked, with sounds of something moving around inside. She took refuge in the car and called police to remove what was later described as a burglar, though no arrest is documented. While the perp’s morphological particulars remain subject to speculation, there are no indications that a giant squirrel may have been involved.
• Wednesday, January 22 12:07 p.m. Midnight vacuuming and trash can shuffling on Valley West Boulevard didn’t go over real well with one sleepless resident.
11:58 a.m. A fanciful figure pranced about on the railroad tracks near M Street, darting between buildings and gradually disrobing to reveal his sports bra. This served as prelude to the ritual throwing of large sticks, but the preposterous pageant was peremptorily paused by police, who moved the rail sprite onward.
12:30 p.m. The track dancer returned with similar antics and a new gender, alternately lurking ’twixt buildings, throwing trash and arguing with herself.
2:10 p.m. An “older,” casually attired gentlethief caught stealing from an I Street store the day before had returned, his gray beard adding some elder gravitas to the teeming coffee bar, or maybe that was the regal blue sweatpants. Despite these attainments, his wizened countenance was asked to GTFO and never return.
6:48 p.m. Restaurantgoers at 16th and G streets beheld with varying levels of appreciation their succulent stir-fried veggies and grilled tempeh tossed in house-made peanut sauce and served over soba noodles topped with green onions, cilantro and gomasio and the man on the corner with his pants down around his ankles.
10:16 p.m. A Valley West woman suffering from a nervous disorder said that she saw uninvited persons in her home. But, realizing that her condition sometimes alters her perceptions, the woman asked officers to visit and ascertain whether or not the people she was seeing were hallucinations.
• Thursday, January 23 3:13 a.m. A woman at an Arcata Heights entertainment venue said someone attacked her in the bathroom, breaking a champagne glass over her head.
2:06 p.m. Two men smoked things in the back doorway of an historic Plaza storehouse, a popular practice that bathes building users – many of whom have endured the torments of smoking cessation – in unwanted gusts of sour smoke as they enter and exit. But this passive stink-ggression was well surpassed by the fuming duo when they dumped a bucket of human poo into a nearby bank lobby.