• Friday, July 26 8:11 p.m. A $3,300 Craigslist buy went retroactively awry when, post purchase, the seller’s dad called, saying daughter had no right to sell the thing, and demanding it back.
• Saturday, July 27 3:45 a.m. With the genocidal statue gone from the Plaza and that new era of healing and unity having swept the land, a man had no one to argue with at the square’s inner circle than his own bad self. So that he did.
7:31 a.m. A Janes Road motel’s dumpster demonstrated uncanny adhesion properties in retaining a mohawk-hairdo’d man who refused management’s pleading beseechments to evacuate its fragrant sphere of influence. Police pried him loose, with sheer force of reason plus the metallic glint of various fearsome objects festooning their tactical belt.
10:08 a.m. The rhythmic pulsing of the washers and the warm, softening sheet-scented exhaust of the dryers lulled a small crowd of leisure specialists into dreamland at a Valley West laundromat. A witness described multiple slumberers enjoying a Saturday sleep-in amid strewn possessions as machines churned and garments tumbled. Wakey wakey little sleepers, said an officer in so many words, probably not those.
10:24 a.m. The goofwit confederacy appears to have forged a binding agreement insofar as makeshift supervillain uniforms, settling on a blue theme for the morning’s time-wasting imbroglios. Kicking off the festivities at a Valley West shop was a female fustilarian in blue hoodie and jeans who refused to leave. She was arrested.
11:34 a.m. A backpacker in a blue shirt resisted invitations to depart a Uniontown variety store, then had a change of heart.
11:59 a.m. An emissary from a multicolored magical bus wore a blue tank top as she threw miscellaneous items around a Janes Road business office.
12:10 p.m. Police removed the hypodermic needle left under a children’s play structure in Rotary Park.
1:51 p.m. A car was vandalized on Charles Avenue, with a knife left behind inside as a calling card/compensatory gift/accidental droppage.
7:56 p.m. A man on the 17th Street pedestrian overpass enjoyed the brain-numbing effects of nitrous oxide, utilizing residual motor control functions to toss the spent cartridges overboard onto the pavement below.
9:29 a.m. A man made off with a jumbo pack of Charmin toilet paper from a Valley West supermarket, taking care not to squeeze or otherwise pleasure the virginal buttwipe and arouse the scrutiny of the nettlesome Mr. Whipple.
• Sunday, July 28 6:12 p.m. A bf and gf argued over the continuing issue of his vehicle causing damage to hers.
6:46 p.m. An apparently bogus or misappropriated handicapped placard proved useful for a cab driver in scoring a choice parking spot outside a Plaza hotel.
6:54 p.m. Two howly types found something to yell at hourly wage earners about at an F Street pizza dispensary. Oddly, the world hasn’t been measurably improved by the supplemental yelling.
8:57 p.m. A woman went to a Union Street apartment building to confront her cheating husband. After two minutes of banging and yelling outside his door in traditional wronged-spouse fashion, her female troubles quintupled when a squad of four women spilled out of an adjacent apartment and got all up in her shit about the noise.
10:04 p.m. “Slash, slaughter and kill!” bellowed a bald man in a tank top as he walked down Ariel Way.
• Monday, July 29 8:33 a.m. A reverse-stealth camper set up his red tent smack in the middle of the Humboldt Bay Trail North, blocking the entire trail.
12:14 p.m. When a Valley West motel dismissed an employee, he did two things: went all wiggo and refused to leave the premises, but did, and also metamorphosed on the spot, exhibiting the sorts of external features that aid in blending in with other motel problem children: a green hoodie and suburban-badass Mohawk.
6:11 p.m. Two obnoxious vehicles are making one downtown business’s life a living heck: an old, hulking SUV parked right outside its windows, and a minivan with a yappy, passerby-nippy pit bull inside. One or more of the alley-blocking land barges were cited.
• Tuesday, July 30 8:39 a.m. A large, angry man with the optional inappropriate outburst feature activated didn’t inspire confidence in his emotional stability, and a local business asked that police tell him not to return.
1:30 p.m. A trio of crap-camps, one with an unleashed dog and another strewn with debris and humanoid-poop were reported along the Mad River inCarlson Park.
1:33 p.m. Two yellingtons at Seventh and F streets were described only as male and female. And yelling.
1:34 p.m. A business took a phone call from a confident man who said he was en route to pick up a package from Columbia and would be there there in 10 minutes. “I have $50,000,” the smooth operator added, “and you better not be the cops.” Well, they weren’t the cops, and they also weren’t whoever Captain Dunning-Kruger thought he was calling when he misdialed the phone.
1:35 p.m. A woman was heard screaming at Seventh and F streets. But thankfully, not yelling.
2:16 p.m. A man yelled at a woman at the transit center, calling her some very obscene things.
2:34 p.m. A cow standing in a field at Front and F streets looked extremely skinny, with one eyeball falling out.
9:16 p.m. A puppy sale went friendship-endingly awry after a woman agreed to sell one to her soon-to-be former pal. The friend decided that she shouldn’t have to pay full price for the pup, since the litter isn’t purebred. The pupmaster then decided not to sell any of her doglets to the demanding damsel, and hoo-boy did that set her off. A flurry of threatening texts scorched the cyberwebs as the angry puppy-seeker said she was headed from Eureka to Arcata to assault the price-fixing puppy purveyor.