• Friday, November 30 8:18 p.m. A woman and her friend walking past the downtown fire department noticed a man brutishly hurling a gray backpack into the bushes with force excessive to the task.
• Saturday, December 1 12:17 a.m. A she-shoplifter at a Uniontown supermarket internalized her thieving ways as well as some hooch when, sparing herself the rigamarole of secreting the bottle, slithering out of the store and then getting chased, she simply guzzled the grog inside the store, earning her a buzz and a faintly perceived warning.
5:19 a.m. He screamed, she cried and ’twas ever thus. Guys, please, it’s almost 2019: evolve.
10:54 a.m. A Valley Wester noticed a heapin’ helpin’ of pallets set up like a little house on Giuntoli Lane.
15:32 p.m. When a woman tried to pay with her heart attackian snackery at a Valley West golden arches with a counterfeit $100 bill, employees seized it. She refused to leave unless they gave it back, so they called police and zoom! – she was out the door.
4:22 p.m. If a coffee house declines to provide you their Wi-Fi password for whatever reason, it’s highly unlikely that yelling at the employees is going to reverse this decision.
7:42 p.m. A downstairs resident on Heather Lane heard the people upstairs yelling at each other and throwing things, and concluded that they were fighting.
• Sunday, December 2 8:02 a.m. A person walking in a downtown alley noticed a man sitting in a wheelchair in a handicapped ramp and somehow bestirred him. The ramp-rager then pulled out this big-ass knife and said he was going to stab the guy and his dog for waking him up.
3:25 p.m. A man used the bathroom at the imbecile-beleaguered Valley West golden arches in a literal way – that is, to bathe, and rather nakedly.
8:51 p.m. Someone notified the criminal justice system that deer were bounding in and out of traffic at Samoa Boulevard and G Street. But the fact is, they were here first.
• Monday, December 3 8:43 a.m. A trio of slumgullion sloucharounders kicked off their reverse-industrious week of layabout leisure by spreading grungy crapola out in front of the storage room on the southwest side of the Community Center, blocking the door. In keeping with tradition, they mixed slovenliness with intransigence and refused to leave until a blue-clad grown-up came and moved ’em along.
1:18 p.m. After a guest died at a Valley West motel, relatives came to pick up his stuff. But when they got into his car, they found such a volume of contraband drugs that they called police to come help deal with it.
1:27 p.m. Since illegal campers constantly slob up the Community Forest, hubristic dog owners like to empoochen the Marsh and Wildlife Sanctuary and self-centered cigareteers routinely befoul the Plaza, it was probably inevitable that adult-type people who ought to know better felt empowered to zoom about Shay Park on motor scooters.
1:36 p.m. Ken Shabby, clad in a dirty black sweater and suavely toting two plastic bags, talked lewdly to a woman at a Uniontown store.
3:01 p.m. Out back of the same store, a guy sauntered about the the freeway-facing no-man’s land with a gun ostentatiously protruding from his waistband.
6:21 p.m. A man said his drunken girlfriend has slapped and punched him in the face, and she was arrested.
• Tuesday, December 4 8:51 a.m. Someone gave police a packet full of nonsensical statements.
9:18 a.m. A dog in Ericson Court was reported barking “non-stop,” going arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf ... and so on...