• Thursday, August 8 12:06 p.m. A surly slumper bestirred herself from a Plaza repose long enough to hiss and shriek at an elderly person who’d traveled downtown for a friend’s occasion. Exhausted by the raw harshening fury required to break through the senior's elderfunk, the loudie loungeling then returned to the lawn to rest up from the exertion and salvage what she could of her buzz.
1:03 p.m. A van with a bike rack on the back might have looked good in a car advertisement invoking today’s vibrant, outdoor lifestyle. Not the best look was how it took up a blue-marked parking place at a Sunny Brae shopping center reserved for those with mobility challenges. A passerby sought to address the spot-squattage with the placard-less driver, who erupted in a petulant frenzy designed to distract from her elevating convenience over consideration.
1:59 p.m. A lodger at a Valley West motel hell complained that the dude who stole his vape pen last week was now banging and kicking at the door to his rancid compartment, possibly to further mine his victim for more of the precious, flavored fumes.
2:56 p.m. A Samoa Boulevardier complained that a so-called “friend” had stolen two ounces of his medical marijuana, an increasingly quaint term.
3:27 p.m. A woman either set someone off or was the random target of rage that had been looking for a home when her car was vandalized at 14th and G streets. The windshield was cracked and the driver’s side keyed by unknown forces.
3:40 p.m. After destroying his Valley West motel room, a guest demanded a refund because seriously, why should anyone have to stay in such a dilapidated lodging?
5:08 p.m. Someone complained that the noise from a Sixth Street hatcheteria was unreasonable.
5:17 p.m. Someone unloaded some sort of motorized hoverboard or skateboard from a red van and took to zooming about on marsh trails.
5:35 p.m. If one must argue with oneself, the middle of Heindon Road has now been established as prime self-revilement territory.
7:48 p.m. Elementary school children were reported smooching in an S Street school’s courtyard, right up until someone pulled the fire alarm.
• Friday, August 9 6:30 a.m. A man was arrested after throwing a cup of coffee in a woman’s face at the Community Center.
9:12 a.m. A man briefly set up the corner of 14th and F streets as his own ill-kempt home, possessions mingled with garbage all about, his wardrobe draped over railings and various bags out in the street, the tawdry tableau a possible metaphor for the chaos reigning within his muddled skull.
12:39 p.m. A malnourished, frightened-looking goat turned up at the Diamond Drive trailhead to the community forest.
1:09 p.m. A man moved into a 14th Street front porch, encrappening it with all manner of scattered items. He was moved along.
3:31 p.m. A microchipped heeler mix wearing an eye patch ran away from L.K. Wood Court.
8:23 p.m. A woman went into a Plaza restaurant, ordered and ate a meal that she had no money for, then was caught walking out on the bill. She was arrested.
9:03 p.m. Judging by the amount of garbage and belongings littering the spot straight down the main trail in Carlson Park, it’s probably occupied by more than just the woman, dog and cat who were there at the time.
10:48 p.m. A 14th Street resident smelled a dead skunk, and worried that the travelers who had keyed her car yesterday had placed a deceased stinker underneath her home in retaliation for something.
• Saturday, August 10 1:30 a.m. A Valley Wester reported having “dark thoughts.”
12:31 p.m. An urban backpacker perched outside a Uniontown pet store, smoking this and that. The bluish-gray tendrils of snarling smoke lashed passersby human and beast alike with their serpentine sting, crinkling noses across a range of species.
2:32 p.m. A guy walked into a 14th Street apartment, said he was a plumber and started working on the sink. The resident hadn’t gotten any notice and notified police in case a plumber-impostor was afoot.
• Sunday, August 11 3:59 p.m. A woman verbally “tussled” with a man who had a tattoo on his head over a bicycle at the confluence of Trails 8 and 10 in the Arcata Community Forest. The man’s herd of six goats looked on balefully as their inky alpha again argy-bargied with yet another random passerby.
5 p.m. A trail user reported a goat following him on the trail to West End Road from Redwood Park.
5:45 p.m. Having reached the trail’s end with his newfound goatly wingman still toddling along behind, the hiker asked that police meet him there.
7:10 p.m. A bearded man stared relentlessly into a G Street business, his unblinking gaze burning holes into the minds of the patrons there. An officer came along and compelled the man in a green army jacket and blue Capri pants to end the creepy staredown and move along.
7:21 p.m. It’s easy, all too easy to be a major badass in Redwood Park with your camouflage pants, tan T-shirt, blue hat and big dog. Especially when the subjects of your yelling wrath are as formidable as the parents with little kids playing in the meadow. Found lounging and blurting on a bench, the bellowing bully was becuffed.
9:45 p.m. A devil-may-care, dithyrambling H Streeter who frequently gives neighborhood-engulfing voice to life’s exuberance was again heard yelling and singing.
9:48–11:13 p.m. Rugged individualists and/or troubled loners rummaged through and slept in trash, used someone else’s credit card, made a fuss in a motel lobby and of course yelled behind a thrift shop.
11:54 p.m. A man called from 10th and H streets to complain of trouble getting his drunk girlfriend home. And yet he sounded drunk too. Police went and arrested some drunk someone.
• Monday, August 12 6:58 p.m. A pair of pit bulls operating in pack mode double-teamed a man on Spruce Way. He used a trash can as a shield to protect the slavering dogs’ jaws from the supple, inviting flesh of his neck.
9:35 a.m. A sour cocktail of bad vibes and semi-feral funk roiled off of residential campers in the Arcata Community Park parking lot, with other drivers afeared to leave their vehicles anywhere near the waves of negative energy emanating therefrom. Police exorcised the occupying forces of fear and loathing.
11:38 a.m. Someone found a little lost goat in the Arcata Community Forest, and led it out to the Aldergrove trailhead.
3:40 p.m. A Lewis Court front door was left unlocked, so a slithy tove slithered in and snabbed someone’s video camera.
4:13 p.m. Why’s that guy taking pictures of me in this parking lot, a woman in a Uniontown shopping center asked herself. Next, she asked police.
4:53 p.m. The normal hum of yelling and profanity at the Plaza’s center surged to volcanic levels, courtesy five jagoffs and a Jill whose preferred mode of communication requires active participation by their salivary glands. Innocent passersby took shelter from the seismic spitstorm by maintaining an eardrum-sparing distance. The spittle-spackled spoutabouts were moved along to bray and bleat about nothing much at top volume elsewhere.
5:04 p.m. A man wearing a rainbow hat who refused to leave a Valley West motel parking lot might have thought he was the pot of gold there, and had to remain in place at all costs.
5:56 p.m. People moving out of a Wilson Street residence faced the same challenge as all who move house: what to do with all the unwanted furnishings and garbage? Easy, just dump everything down at the end of the block.
5:58 p.m. After a dog menaced someone in the outer wilds of O Street, two nearby bushmen verbally abused the innocent passerby with vague threats, and giving strong evidence of hostile aggression.
6:15 p.m. Someone noticed a dead rodent near Ninth and H streets, and was concerned that the festering rat cadav would “spread plague throughout the city.” But they fully failed to mention the likely floods, fires, clouds of locusts, whips, chains and shortages of quinoa tots.
7:05 p.m. “Give me the money or I will have my cousin go over to the house,” read the texted threat.
• Tuesday, August 13 8:38 a.m. A four-dolt squad of hortatory hellions swore surlily at passersby at 17th Street and Alliance Road.
6:47 p.m. A new roommate was soon to be an ex-roommate, having been served an eviction notioce. When the person was signed on as a fellow resident, little did anyone suspect the person’s floccinaucinihilipilificatory tendencies, including yelling, screaming, throwing things and buring books. When Captain Erratic went to take a shower, police were called.
• Wednesday, August 14 4:57 p.m. A woman at the Arcata Library was made uncomfortable by a guy in a t-shirt lingering entirely too close to her with an unlit cigarette dangling from his mouth.