• Thursday, December 13 12:46 p.m. Multitasking of sorts took place within a G Street bank’s decorative planter when a woman’s hand was located inside the trousers of a man with whom she was reportedly “making out,” the other hand holding a cat on a leash.
1:16 p.m. A fuzzy burrito impeded access in front of a West End Road gate when a bearded man wrapped in a purple blanket refused to move. His excuse was that his legs “wouldn’t work,” yet he declined medical assistance.
1:36 p.m. A normally tranquil Plaza yogurt shop became embroiled in tension when a woman wearing another patron’s stolen jacket refused to pay for her creamy delicacy, then hid in the bathroom.
3:20 p.m. Most Arcatans manage to navigate their day without promising to kick a burrito truck proprietor in the face, but not this guy.
6:23 p.m. A shoplifter made off not just with nutraments from a Uniontown supermarket, but candy as well. He roamed over to the designated dimwit-squatting spot behind the pet shop, where his hunker ’n’ suckle was interrupted by an arrest.
• Friday, December 14 3:17 a.m. A woman in a purple sweater got into an entirely unnecessary argument with personnel at a Valley West golden arches, then, in a stirring demonstration of wee-hour dingbat logic, tried to climb in through the drive-thru window to bring about a better world.
7:24 p.m. Santa Claus’s arrival on the Plaza was marked by mirth, merriment, songs of the season, free carriage rides and the statistically inevitable man screaming obscenities.
• Saturday, December 15 2:56 a.m. When roommates’ wills collided on L.K. Wood Boulevard, one somehow restrained another with use of a couch. At least one was arrested on a public drunkenness charge.
1:33 p.m. An unsavoury lass was asked to no longer compromise the stringent behavioral standards of a G Street gas station’s mini-mart, but inexplicably, wouldn’t leave. She eventually bowed to the inevitable, but salvaged her pride by snatching a bag of chips on the way out. Police caught up with the salty crumb-bum and instructed her nevermore to return.
3:10 p.m. Another grudgy Grinch refused to move his unseemly ass out of Santa Claus’s chair on the Plaza.
5:21 p.m. An unknown opportunivore homed in on two toolboxes left unguarded in an unlocked Woodland Court garage.
7:52 p.m. A man in a ripped hoodie and rubber boots creeped out I Street store employees by acting weirdly and possibly trying to heat something up with a lighter just inside the entrance. Police arrived, found out he had an outstanding warrant and whisked him away.
• Sunday, December 16 12:07 a.m. Out Mack Road way, residents heard disturbing sounds in the darkness of a man yelling at a dog and the dog yelping.
5:05 p.m. A financially struggling I Street store wasn’t enthused about the woman who snatched $10 to $15 worth of items from the hot bar, then, as recorded on video, took them out to her car for larcenous noshing.
5:07 p.m. A drunk in a raincoat and red pants tried to enter a Valley West business to talk with someone’s 4-year-old, with whom he had no legitimate business. He was arrested.
7:32 p.m. When someone’s daughter dialed a wrong number to attend a social event, the person who answered pretended to be associated with the event and told her to take an Uber to his address, which she apparently did. A parent retrieved the girl from the area before anything horrible happened.
2:35 p.m. This week’s Unclear On The Concept Award goes to the man who parked a white pickup truck with a golden tailgate at the Marsh and Wildlife Sanctuary, unloaded a motorized skateboard and went a-zooming, Arcata Municipal Code be damned.
3:09 p.m. Someone in a red and white hoodie raided several lockers at a 16th Street community swimming pool.
• Tuesday, December 18 2:33 p.m. A person whose wallet was stolen had it returned – without his ID and Social Security card – by a “strange woman.”
2:52 p.m. A man reported an ongoing problem with his roommate stealing his toenail clippers, hair brushes and lighters from his room, but leaving behind drugs.
• Wednesday, December 19 12:12 p.m. You may have stress, but you don’t have pregnant-girlfriend-with-whom-you-are-in-an-argument-getting-out-of-the-car-on-the-State-Route-299-offramp-to-U.S.-Highway-101-and-wandering-in-and-out-of-traffic-stress.
9:09 a.m. Approximately 10 chickens staged a brief takeover of the shoulder of Janes Road.
9:33 a.m. The person who drives the green Lexus keeps letting their dog run wild on Klopp Lake, which was established as part of a wildlife sanctuary.
11:14 a.m. A man in a red T-shirt also fudged the rules by letting his chocolate lab run loose at the marsh.
1:03 p.m. A store’s credit card system was hacked and its customers bilked.
• Thursday, December 20 4:26 a.m. A goateed man at a remote Heindon Road diner was reported attempting to manipulate his grandma into letting him live with her. The persuasion campaign at one point involved him “pinning” her in one of the booths. Bad Grandson was arrested.
8:49 a.m. Loungearounders found cause for rare exertion on the outskirts of an O Street industrial park, but only in service of maximizing future leisure. They had no trouble locating abandoned couches on the sofa-infested sidewalks of Arcata, and took to hauling them into a nearby jungle camp.
• Friday, December 21 3:16 p.m. For whatever abstruse reason, personnel at a Valley West elementary school weren’t entirely comfortable with a man clad in bad-guy black across the street waving a machete and staring at the school. He was arrested for public drunkenness.
4:19 p.m. A bearded man busied himself in Valley West, throwing rocks at a street sign.
• Saturday, December 22 8:31 a.m. A Union Street resident’s weekend kicked off with a call for help in getting an unwanted man he didn’t know out of his apartment. Whoever he was, the dude had been drinking heavily.
4:09 p.m. A man at the same complex called 911 over and over (and over) to report a werewolf trying to get into his apartment. He said he would open the door and speak with an officer on one condition – that the cop wasn’t a werewolf.
9:02 p.m. After stealing a shopping cart from a Valley West shop, a woman took to banging her head against a window.
• Sunday, December 23 2:10 a.m. From inside a car headed up Fickle Hill Road were heard cries of, “Help me! Help me!” And then it was gone.