• Tuesday, May 4 9:40 a.m. A volunteer landscaper emptied out trash cans in the roadway near the Portland Loo of Shock and Awe for a time, until handcuffs limited the use of his upper extremities.
9:51 a.m. Another roadside funster hailed a city vehicle at 14th and G streets, explaining that he “needed to pull someone over” and trying to get inside the truck. That having failed, he jumped in its bed for a short trip to 15th and G streets, then got out, mission sort of accomplished, whatever it was.
1:50 p.m. A woman whose car was making a funny noise took it to the muffler shop.
2:04 p.m. A woman stole a small toy tractor from a Valley West store.
• Wednesday, May 5 9:07 a.m. A catalytic converter disappeared from another Prius, this one on 12th Street. Replacement cost: $3,000.
1:39 p.m. A dude in a gold Porsche rolled up on a woman in the Bayside area blathering something about “redemption,” and followed her all the way to her Sunny Brae home. There he broke off the pursuit, but continued to yell at others in the street.
2:12 p.m. A man wearing sunglasses sat outside a Sunny Brae apartment complex in a gold SUV, asking a concerned resident “what the key phrase is.”
2:38 p.m. A man in sunglasses came to a Sunny Brae resident’s front door stating that he was “passing the secret word of the savior.” He then walked away mumbling to himself and got into a tan SUV.
5:33 p.m. When his panhandling request was turned down, a man in Northtown got out a knife and started stabbing a tree. He was soon arrested on a warrant.
6:34 p.m. Someone reported that a band performing on a Crescent Way Mexican restaurant’s patio was loud, but forgot to mention that it was awesome.
8:42 p.m. A man refused to depart the outdoor dining area of an L Street restaurant. No, he’d rather stay, argue with patrons and try to light the grass on fire.
• Thursday, May 6 12:01 p.m. A man driving a tan Porsche SUV unsettled those around him at a Sunny Brae supermarket’s outdoor seating are with his desultory ditherings about “redemption.”
5:36 p.m. Another mask refusenik complicated life for employees and patrons of a 13th Street store.
9:14 p.m. A drunk in the hospital ER refused to wear a mask and threatened to assault the staff amid an expanding constellation of droplets, globules and halitosis.
• Friday, May 7 1:02 a.m. For neither the first time nor the last, yelling resounded across the land.
9:41 a.m. An unlocked car on Park Avenue easily surrendered glasses and binoculars to a passing opportuniviore, who left the key to an unknown Honda behind by way of payment, thanks or adorably impish gesture.
12:17 p.m. A man in a veterinary clinic’s parking lot used a tan SUV as his pulpit, preaching the gospel that “redemption is the word.”
12:52 p.m. A Sunny Brae middle school reported a continuing problem with a man driving a brown Porsche Cayenne into the closed back area of campus and trying to speak with children. His message involved “a word of today.”
3:54 p.m. Someone placed tiny rocks inside the caps on a Union Street woman’s car tire pressure valves, allowing the air to discharge and leaving them all flat.
• Saturday, May 8 1:48 p.m. A Stromberg Avenue resident came home to find a man showering with use of her garden hose. He scampered when confronted, possibly leaving him with that less-than-fresh feeling.
5:30 p.m. An ex-employee persuaded a current employee at an Ericson Way business to give him a set of keys, saying the boss had OK’d it. He then left in a company truck, and didn’t come back.
7:06 p.m. A caller notified police that they would be in the area searching for a Shelby Great Pyrenees with one blue eye and one green eye who had been stolen in Eureka.
8:11 p.m. A woman with a “half-shaved head” walking in the middle of the road at 11th and F streets may have looked like one person to people on one side of the street, and someone else with an entirely different coiffure to those on the other side. Depending, of course, on which axis her head had been shaved.