• Thursday, September 3 2:47 p.m. Megaphone technology has reached the street screechers, amplifying both the odious operettas and one father’s concerns about his kids walking past the drug-smoking, blanket-clad bullhorn bellower at 14th and G streets.
2:49 p.m. A possibly naked woman was reported under a blanket at 14th and G streets.
3:21 p.m. An RV with a bike strapped to it lumbered into a Janes Road hospital’s parking lot, its turgid fuselage clumsily colliding with a pert little e-car, but not stopping. The bloated bulgemobile blundered on, alighting out back of the facility to cower in cowardly fashion. But area adults, including the car’s owner, tracked down the blunder-bus, whose pilot was cited for non-injury hit-and-run.
4:07 p.m. With liquid courage coursing through his veins, a booze-emboldened bloke in classic skeezelord ensemble – baseball cap, brown sweatshirt and ineffectual camouflage pants – nicked a bottle of soda from a Uniontown supermarket, He hoofed it to the guzzling zone behind a nearby variety store, where he was arrested over certain details of his blood chemistry at that moment.
4:37 p.m. Don’t ever set your wallet on a Giuntoli Lane gas pump while filling up, because sooner or later, like this guy, you will leave it there and drive away. A subsequent gas customer snatched up the abandoned billfold full of cash, credit and debit cards, thinking only of himself with nary a care for the time-consuming problems and anxiety the loss was causing the owner. The wallet-forgetter called the gas station, which had caught the wallet-taker on camera and was recording the license plate number.
5:26 p.m. Not only would he not leave a Uniontown store when asked, one insubordinate slumpabout positioned his bad self next to a propane tank and lit up his cigarette.
6:14 p.m. I Street outdoor diners paid a pretty penny for a night on the town, only to have to parry spluttering insults from a shirtless man with pants whose droopy waistband had set a slow but sure course for Earth’s molten core. The interactive entertainment didn’t pair particularly well with Octopus Ceviche, whose noshers found themselves at sudden risk of beholding hitherto obscured tracts of the shambolic showman’s revolting posterior topography. But the spectacle mercifully ended with a public drunkenness arrest.
• Friday, September 4 7:50 a.m. A man was seen walking around the Marsh with a blowtorch, trying to set bushes on fire.
12:12 p.m. Don’t come to my house any more, said one man to another on Poplar Drive.
4:14 p.m. A bicycling man sporting a billed cap modeled after headgear worn by players of America’s signature team sport grand-slammed some kind of drugs into his system, choosing as his stonerhaven the courtyard of a Sunny Brae dentist. He then went on his mood-altered way.
6:56 p.m. A purple-panted woman who was asked to push her two shopping carts away from a Valley West business responded by publicizing her hasty plan to shoot the security guard, but followed through only by throwing a bullet at a window.
7:32 p.m. One side of an F Street clash held that a woman who found a cat brought it into her home to care for it as she searched for the owner. She said she located the owner, who turned up and began kicking the front door and damaging the door and lock.
• Saturday, September 5 9:05 a.m. A damsel in a blue nightgown dropped her black pants in synchrony with the passing of vehicles near a Valley West burgery.
9:06 a.m. Someone is using a crap-ton of needles, with strewn syringes crunching underfoot in natural areas, and bins and bags of them turning up in dumpsters.
10:48 a.m. A public safety officer for PG&E notified Arcata Police of a planned power outage in Bridgeville. Yes, the rep claimed, I do understand how far away Bridgeville actually is.
6:02 p.m. Chaos erupted at Ninth and K streets, where a man threw a bicycle at a bus and it became lodged underneath. This excitement catalyzed the madness-inducing rays of sunlight glinting off a station wagon’s golden bumper, giving two area males all the excuse they needed to launch into hand-to-hand combat. In keeping with tradition, a scampering maneuver was soon executed.
6:07 p.m. Two small children sat alone in a silver Toyota Camry in a Valley West parking lot.
6:11 p.m. Mom of the Year came out of the store with her shopping haul, and proceeded to load it in the car with the kids.
8:06 p.m. Had he arrived two hours earlier, a suspicious strangeling making kooky hand gestures as he wandered about a Valley West store’s parking lot might have amused and befriended the stranded car kids while mom roved the aisles inside. But lacking such a captive audience at this hour, he was moved along.
9:35 p.m. A third-story resident downtown complained of three men and three women climbing up onto her balcony, hiding underneath it and taunting her. She called from her locked bathroom, where she had armed herself with mace.
10:30 p.m. For two women, a purple hoodie and a white cardigan sweater brought just the right look for roaming around a Northtown erotic supply center and refusing to leave when asked. The titillating mission climaxed in what was described as “consensual contact.”
11:41 p.m. A loud party on a 16th Street cemetery’s north side was loud enough to wake the dead, had their auditory organs and other soft tissue not decomposed into undifferentiated matter.
• Sunday, September 6 9:21 p.m. A deer with an arrow sticking out of it ran through a Shirley Boulevard backyard.
4:35 p.m. A woman said she’d been banned from a downtown store for misuse of a face mask. But what she complained about was going back with a properly worn mask and still being banished because of the previous imbroglio.
7:01 p.m. A man strolled into a Valley West restaurant with no mask on, but carrying an open alcohol container. In a break with tradition, the spore-spreader didn’t refuse to leave when asked.
• Monday, September 7 12:36 a.m. Skateboard-bearing toughies threatened to vandalize a Ninth Street restaurant.
9:59 a.m. After a rampaging boyfriend attacked a woman with a laundry basket, she took refuge in a hamper-resistant bathroom.
10:12 a.m. A Ninth Street restaurant was found vandalized.
• Tuesday, September 8 11:03 a.m. A $1,000 orange Kona bike with serial no. IN20050163 was left unattended at the Community Center, and became very gone.
1:59 p.m. A minstrel of sorts in red shirt and shoes tortured a musical instrument so mercilessly that hearers-by at Eighth and I streets couldn’t even tell what kind of music-making device he was playing. The result being the sonic equivalent of walking face-first into a spider web, someone pleaded with him to cease the eardrum-eroding torments, and he yelled and screamed at her in appreciation.
2:31 p.m. The “OPEN” sign at a Sunny Brae hardware store was reported sliced. A suspect was seen carving up the welcoming placard with a machete which, it turns out, had been stolen from the same store.
2:41 p.m. Hey there, said the man who showed up at the police station, you know that Be On The Lookout alert? Right, that’s for me, so look no further. Arrested.
2:51 p.m. It’s hard to imagine what legitimate reason there could have been for a man lying on the grass at Seventh and L streets to lower his beige pants as a woman walked by. Dump-taking was briefly theorized.
3:20 p.m. A rottweiler was locked inside an H Street business’s yard for three days, and barked and crooned the whole time.
4:56 p.m. Two men at 14th and F streets busily multi-tasked their twin priorities of howling obscenities and rummaging through garbage.
8:59 p.m. A woman parked in front of not-her-house in McCallum Circle didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so she did both.
• Wednesday, September 9 9:35 a.m. An F Streeter said a neighbor had been putting out cat food on the porch for skunks and raccoons, and is that even legal?
11:22 a.m. A dither of doke smopers clotted the alcove of a vacant Plaza storefront, chugging the herb and stenching up adjacent businesses.
11:50 a.m. Lurkabouts lingered in the doorway of a defunct Valley West “cannabis clinic,” as they were quaintly known.
11:54 a.m. Chances are the irony of making an illegal drug deal in the parking lot of a Valley West cannabis clinic that was put out of business by cannabis legalization was entirely lost on the shady folk involved.
12:03 p.m. A chainsaw left in the back of a truck on Bayview Street was inevitably snabbed up by a guy on a red mountain bike. The owner gave chase but lost the saw-snatcher somewhere around the Community Center.
2:30 p.m. A cart-pusher near a Northtown motel reached out, reached out and touched someone. That is, everyone who passed, the tactile outreach paired with the usual baying and bellowing.
3:33 p.m. As a nurse walked past a white minivan in the hospital parking lot, a man inside offered to sell her some heroin.
4:16 p.m. A man in a purple sweatshirt ran inside a Janes Road women’s clinic, slammed the door behind him and fell to the floor heaving to catch his breath. He said he was hiding from someone, and then headed out toward the street.
4:20 p.m. Asked to leave a Valley West burger stand, a man argued with staff, then went over to the drive-thru lane and tried to spit on the workers. He was found at a nearby bus stop and given a trespassing warning.
4:37 p.m. A man or woman used the drinking fountain at City Hall to wash their gender-ambiguous feet.
• Thursday, September 10 9:25 a.m. A down-on-his-luck urban guerrilla in full faux soldier o’ misfortune costume – all-camouflage clothing and matching beret with a red bandanna and duffel bag – asked to use the phone at a Ninth Street business. Told there was no public phone, he said he was there to “kill all of them” and that he had an “armed militia” to assist with the killage. But his phantom legions never showed, so force majeure compelled a retreat.
1:35 p.m. It’s the oldest scam in the book, and keeps working with new variations. In this iteration, a man was offered a job. He was sent a check for too much money, and was to send the employer three payments for the overage, which he apparently did. And of course their check then bounced.