• Saturday, August 24 10:16 a.m. A woman whose plastic Zelda sword and shield were stolen (hate it when that happens!) awaited the arrival of police near a downtown cannabis dispensary. But when they showed up, she had wafted away.
• Sunday, August 25 9:28 p.m. Someone called from a Valley West motel hell concerned about a missing boy and girl. The juveniles spend their days panhandling at a downtown supermarket, but were usually back at the motel by this time.
11:14 p.m. A man calling from a truck parked on G Street said a woman passenger had clobbered his head with a bottle, bit his face and refused to get out of the vehicle. Police went and talked to the strife-torn truck’s occupants.
• Monday, August 26 6:09 a.m. A well-appointed dumpster diver scoured waste bins in McKinnon Court, riding in on a shambolic wheeled device so generously festooned with plastic bags that the caller couldn’t tell if it was a bike with a trailer or a shopping cart.
8:32 a.m. Two pooches sprung from a converted school bus and romped about at the Arcata Marsh & Dog Sanctuary.
9:51 a.m. After threats were made to a judge in family court, a restraining order was initiated.
9:59 a.m. A quick brown fox didn’t need to jump over a lazy dog, but rather to overcome the symptoms of whatever ailment it was suffering from as it scurried behind the Janes Road fire station where it was not seen again.
10:07 a.m. Two vehicles, one functioning with the assistance of a tarpaulin, were parked next to the school bus dropoff on M Street for days and weeks at a time, and given their sketchy appearance, a citizen worried that the occupants may be perverts on the prowl.
11:10 a.m. A Valley West dog ran back and forth between a golden arches and another nearby greasery, hoping for the best in terms of handouts for its taste test comparison.
11:46-11:47 a.m. A man with unknown issues on the Plaza variously swore, punched himself and yanked at his poor dog’s leash.
12:08 p.m. A man at Stewart Court and Alliance Road took out his rage on a poor dog, stomping its paw, dragging it by the leash across the street and spraying it with a hose. Someone said he’d already had another dog taken away from him because of abuse.
12:41 p.m. When you have a big black Charger, no puny stop sign at Beverly Drive and Shirley Boulevard shall pause your mighty steed, even for a moment.
1:40 p.m. Someone asked for a welfare check on a German shepherd locked in a crate on 11th Street.
1:44 p.m. When wills clash and voices of rage fill the neighborhood, as on Panorama Drive, the hisses and grunts can next give way to overly exuberant depression of gas pedals in and around the war zone.
• Tuesday, August 27 3:11 a.m. Not drawing enough excitement from the stunning panoply of baked goods all about, young toughs wearing blue jeans in an imbecile-marinated donut shop boasted of their preparations to “jump” someone.
11:53 a.m. Expert texpert dogging smokers piled up on the Plaza until police waded in and reduced the density of dogs and roiling cig fumes to levels that might allow sustained human life.
12:04 p.m. An unlocked door only sped the inevitable evaporation of a backpack and laptop computer left unguarded in a car on St. Louis Road.
• Wednesday, August 28 5:03 p.m. A Sunset Avenuer reported a friend’s innovative fundraising tactic: stealing her cell phone and then trying to sell it to her friends.
• Thursday, August 29 4:29 a.m. Early morning recycling pirate wore headlamps as they noisily scalvaged items from bins at Sunset and Western avenues.
12:30 p.m. A neighbor youth a woman said who had aimed a bow and arrow at her may have further escalated the menace by severing her garden hose.
9:12 p.m. Two 13th Street parking lot gladiators selected varying weaponry with which to menace their foe – one was armed with a machéte, wielded with the reckless abandon made possible only by alcohol self-saturation, the other, a no-nonsense metal pipe. We’ll never know which is mightier, as the warriors de-escalated and went their separate ways.
• Friday, August 30 10 a.m. When a man with a blue “wrap” on his head was found lingering upstairs in a downtown building where he weren’t spoze’ta be, he proposed a solution: to strike the person who found him with a chair.