After a jackhammer party, nuclear exposure and a bong to the face, what else could go wrong?
Cue the swarm of bees at the front door
• Saturday, August 8 1:35 a.m. A man passing time in quarantine at Samoa Boulevard and I streets used his idle hours to hone his screeching skills, yelling up the neighborhood around the clock.
9:39 a.m. An all-night wingding on Valley West Boulevard was centered around that classic instrument of American party-time merriment, the jackhammer. By dawn, a rattled neighbor summoned up the effort to call police.
1:25 p.m. “I have COVID!” boasted a baggy-panted man-thing at a 10th Street taco truck. He then plopped down to chug some cannabis, his dopey droplets enveloping the zone.
9:33 p.m. A woman lying in the ground at Alliance Road and 17th Street got some helpful spiritual guidance from men who drove up in a little red car. “Go to the light,” they advised, and drove off in the dark.
• Sunday, August 9 12:52 p.m. A succession of sketchazoids paraded in and out of a Crescent Way apartment, debating “cutting” and what to “cut the product with.” This dope-fiend lingo and the vague threats to a neighboring couple cultivated suspicions of drug dealing.
7:32 p.m. A woman in a rainbow bandana volunteered as a sort of court jester for a Valley West store known for its $1 meat-style ribeye steaks, loitering and taunting employees.
12:45 p.m. A woman at APD’s front door wanted to talk to an officer about the “nuclear exposure” that PG&E had subjected her to, plus multiple kidnappings and murders.
6:24 p.m. “If you are going to continue to frame him, someone is going to get killed.” This disturbing datum was delivered by an unknown man to a woman at the Post Office. She suspected he was an emissary from her scheming ex-husband, against whom she is pursuing a case of some sort.
• Tuesday, August 11 8:43 a.m. A black and blue bicycle was stolen from the bed of a pickup truck parked in a Valley West motel lot. The bike thief left behind another blue bike.
1:58 p.m. “If I see you again, I will stab you,” stated a not-so-friendly stranger on D Street. This cause-and-effect sequence explained, he departed westbound toward town.
8:06 p.m. To the dainty sophisticates at Austin Way and 11th Street, nighttime is obscenity-screamin’ time!
• Wednesday, August 12:48 a.m. Another niminy-piminy soirée in a G Street apartment was marked by loud, loud music, ritual stomping and, one can reliably surmise, significant and widespread mouth breathing among the celebrants.
8:34 p.m. A man’s son is getting on his nerves.
• Thursday, August 13 12:45 a.m. When a woman went to the ER, hubby wasn’t allowed with her in as she was treated. He took it all wrong, and personally, and acted out his separation issues by flinging soda pop bottles at a hospital window. Banished.
1:54 p.m. Plaza fascination involved the endless amusement had by banging on a metal pipe.
2:15 p.m. Old truck, young driver and lots of teenage careening on Chester Avenue, with the vehicle even encroaching onto a footpath. So much so that an innocent driver-by was almost forced to crash not one but two times.
5:09 p.m. A man whose grimy petition is so crucial to life as we know it that just had to block cars in a store parking lot in order to wrest signatures from drivers. Police were asked to reason with him, but the signature sprite had darted away.
11:27 p.m. After five-and-a-half hours, a he-she battle on Hilfiker Way attained near-seismic proportions.
11:54 p.m. A fully-loaded bong, turgid with filmy-cooling waters, set a course for the face of a boyfriend, striking its target to bloody effect. The victim huddled in the garage as police were asked to escort the bong launcher from the premises.
• Friday, August 14 5:48 a.m. A woman knocked on an I Street resident’s door, asking for a glass of water, which was provided. So impressed with the hospitality was the behoodied visitor that she decided to stay, even refusing entreaties to GTFO. And yet she did.
3:57 p.m. “Oh, I could kill someone,” yelled a man sporting roguish sunglasses and jauntily reversed headgear on G Street. He was herded along.
5:24 p.m. A man supposedly driving a green 4Runner at 90 mph on Fickle Hill Road was somehow asked to slow down, and reacted by brandishing a knife.
8:31 p.m. A man peering into vehicles at Alliance Road and Stewart Court was confronted by a concerned citizen, at whom he threw a bicycle. The citizen then pepper sprayed the vehicle peerer, who had left on the previously hurled bike with his curly hair, baseball cap, gray shoes and face shimmering with capsaicin and tears.
• Saturday, August 15 9:39 a.m. A Heather Lane man taking out his garbage was reportedly assaulted by a neighbor, who was last seen chasing his caregiver around the apartment complex. With wisdom born of bitter experience, the victim resolved that next time someone attacked him during trash disposal, why, he’d defend himself.
9:42 a.m. A woman said that her so-called boyfriend not only borrowed her car while she was asleep, but broke into her storage unit and took things.
2:09 p.m. A swashbuckling badass at the transit center campground violated the terms of his residency there by swaggering around with a machéte, as one does... or as he does, anyway. So, Johnny Blade and his camo pants are being bounced from the tiny tent town.
3:05 p.m. A Courtyard Circle resident’s day wasn’t going well, in that someone had broke down the door to her storage unit and stole life jackets, a diving knife and possibly some other stuff. But since life comes at you fast, her most immediate problem was the swarm of bees at her front door.
3:17 p.m. The pedestrian bridge connecting the Janes Creek Meadows and Westwood Village neighborhoods offers connectivity, walkability and enhanced quality of life for the residents, plus a calming view of Janes Creek’s prancing waters. To one man though, it’s a great place to paint a motorcycle.
9:34 p.m. A frantic, frightened-looking stranger entered the garage of a Tina Court resident to warn him that someone was “dry firing” a rifle in his backyard, and pointing it at a house three doors down.
• Sunday, August 16 5:33 a.m. A man loaned his car to his mother-in-law, who picked up a stranger in Blue Lake. Headed toward Phillipsville, they stopped at a supermarket and the mom-in-law went in, leaving the motor running. Seizing the moment, the passenger switched seats, put ’er in gear, mashed the gas and went zoomy-zoomy.
8:23 a.m. Two campers along the riparian zone at 14th and Union streets flung their discards into the creek with nary a care for Gaia.
5:53 p.m. Campers in the Sunny Brae Tract held deep promise of decorating the recovering forest with the usual panoply of food containers, discarded clothing and various unspeakable emissions.
8:33 p.m. A self-styled town crier variant decided that 13th and P streets hadn’t been adequately treated with howled profanities, and gave the area a thorough blanketing.
• Monday, August 17 9:09 p.m. A most insalubrious situation was described in progress at a Union Street apartment, wherein a 19-year-old and a half-dozen minors were said to be savoring booze, psychedelics, cannabis and just in case their fledgling brainpans weren’t entirely blasted to ruins, nitrous oxide gasses. While a poignant scenario, an officer couldn’t find anything like this actually going on.
• Tuesday, August 18 3:26 a.m. A Bayside Road resident’s unlocked door allowed a woman to walk right in and get naked in the bathroom, as one does. She was arrested on a burglary charge.
2:18 p.m. A traveler said his Amazon account had been hacked, and that he’d somehow been conned into counterintuitively addressing the problem by buying $1,000 in gift cards, which he did.