• Thursday, January 18 12:47 p.m. With a vigor and determination known only to beanie-topped drunks in acid-washed jeans, a man jumped a fence to get onto a Janes Road school’s grounds, then went about trying the door handles on cars there. The parking lotrepreneur was arrested on a public drunkenness charge.
2:41 p.m. A downtown mortgage company had to deal with an angry man in their window, his hostilities entirely self-directed. The self-arguer was cited for a probation violation.
6:52 p.m. A man near a Uniontown pizzeria had nothing sensible to say, but made sure he said it to multiple shoppers.
8:12 p.m. A nonsense-talking man was reported near a 13th Street store.
• Friday, January 19 12:51 p.m.
As bongomen bellowed and blithered
Their pitter-pats issuing thither
A nearby hotel
Desired it quelled
And phoned up police to come hither
Though cops had been sent a request
The bongoists kept up their quest
Of drumming mayhem
That ruined the REMs
Of bongofied, sleep-deprived guests
The bongo-based percussion section
Persisted, defying suppression
More lodgers complained
But when cops came again
The drummers had ended their session
12:47 p.m. A Plaza worker argued with people who took pictures of the person, gathering the photons for some unknown (but probably mean and petty) future retaliatory use.
3:21 p.m. Drivers still don’t understand the traffic lights at Samoa Boulevard and Fourth Street, because a while back the way they operate was changed. When you have a steady green light to turn left, so does oncoming traffic.
4:01 p.m. A Davis Way resident returned home to their boat engine running, the engine tampered with and the gas tank stolen.
• Saturday, January 20 6:33 p.m. Someone having dinner at a Janes Road restaurant left a mountain bike with headlight and taillight unsecured in the back of their truck. Sometime during the meal, it was stolen.
7:37 p.m. A 27th Street resident discovered someone breaking into his truck, and assaulted him. An ambulance was called for the bleeding suspect, who was arrested for public drunkenness.
8:26 p.m. A dreadlocked man and his assistant tried doorhandles in the police station parking lot.
9:16 p.m. A 25-year-old man in a Plaza shop suffered an anxiety attack that not even oodles of fresh yogurt could calm. He was ambulanced away.
• Sunday, January 21 2:26 p.m. After leaving a “mess” in a Valley West mini-mart’s restroom, one of such unspeakable magnitude that her presence was no longer desired there ever again, a woman followed up by threatening the staff tasked with cleaning up whatever she had done there.
2:51 p.m. A woman’s ex seemed unhappy with his former gal-pal. The subtle indications were that he threatened to burn down her house with all her friends inside and destroy her property – actions that would surely cause her some measure of distress.
• Monday, January 22 5:34 p.m. A man on a motorized skateboard rode around Klopp Lake, scaring birds in what is supposed to be their sanctuary.
6:42 p.m. Some FedExed cannabis didn’t make it past the shipping facility on Eighth Street. There it was detected and turned over to police.
• Tuesday, January 23 8:55 a.m. Way out west – Valley West, by name, and near the store where everything’s a dollar – a woman screamed at some men. “Give me your Oxy!” she implored.
9:23 a.m. At a nearby home of honest goodness, a man stole “health and beauty items,” then got in his Silver Honda and drove away to enjoy his newly healthful and beautified, if false and dishonest, life.
10:01 a.m. A Poplar Drive dog becomes so enraged when it sees the neighbor dog that it hurls its body against a fence.
10:24 a.m. A man at 12th and H streets was shaking, with foam coming out of his mouth and nose, ew. “I’m OK,” he assured a woman, but between his enfrothened face and that orange shirt, she wasn’t so sure.
1:34 p.m. A man in his sixties who ought to have known better made vulgar remarks to someone and tried to follow them into a store.
• Wednesday, January 24 5:53 a.m. The scientifically proven link between amplitude and relevance didn’t quite pertain to the blithering imbecile outside a Plaza hotel, whose pre-dawn yellings were deemed “nonsensical.”
10:20 a.m. Two notebook computers stolen by a student in Sunny Brae were returned by a father.
12:34 p.m. A man in green pants slumped against the bus station door, impervious to awakening but still apparently marshalling sufficient brainpower to take in vital oxygen.
12:51 p.m. Someone called in from a motel parking lot to report that they were smoking something that made them feel ill.
2:08 p.m. A man reported his clothing stolen from machines at a Westwood laundromat, the suspects being a couple with three children there who were acting really weird.
10:54 p.m. A man whose attempted alcohol heist failed at a Valley West store followed up doing the only logical thing – setting some garbage on fire out front.
• Thursday, January 25 9:18 a.m. When some Environmental Services workers asked a guy to leave his remove a quarter-mile off Trail 3 in the forest, he started screaming and demanding credentials.
4:55 p.m. Someone at Alliance Road and 17th Street thought he heard some yelling going on in the area.
• Friday, January 26 9:35 a.m. Someone threw a goose head into an E Street storage yard.
12:59 p.m. A barefoot man draped in a plaid blanket and carrying a rasta flag stole a tangerine and two coconuts from a 13th Street store, prompting grave concerns about what recipe he might be following. Because he clearly wasn’t putting the lime in the coconut.
2:01 p.m. A Courtyard Circle houseguest wore out their welcome in a hurry by throwing yogurt on the walls, then toddling off toward a nearby mobile home community.
6:18 p.m. A woman filled with joie de vivre or something took the bumper sticker advice to dance like no one’s looking, except that since this was inside a Valley West laundromat, people were. She somehow combined the terpsichore with tearing up of magazines, a new art form that prompted critical reviews and a call to cops.