• Friday, July 13 4:27 a.m. A woman on Upper Bay Road said that as she opened the front door to her house, some sort of slithy tove opened the trunk of her car and slithered inside.
11:20 a.m. A Ribeiro Lane resident said someone used her credit card to buy a $500 vacuum and deliver it to her home. On calling the bank for reimbursement, she was told that the phone number on the account had been changed.
2:21 a.m. Concrete aficionados some 20 in number plus countless dogs found repose on the supple, spittle-pocked sidewalk outside a Valley West store where pricing is never a mystery.
• Saturday, July 14 6:01 p.m. A tawdry clash at the Transit Center left a man bleeding from his toe.
• Sunday, July 15 4:05 p.m. Folks enjoying Janes Creek Meadows Park did the unthinkable – asked a man to leash his loose dog. This unspeakable atrocity led him to fuss and fume and get into his car, then roar off at a rate of speed commensurate with his sense of injustice.
6:56 p.m. An H Street apartment dweller reported that members of the San Francisco Ninja Society were conducting operations inside his walls. That wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t knocking on them, forcing him to drink by way of enhancing his coping skills.
7:55 p.m. Dogshit wars erupted in McKinnon Court, where emissions from someone’s wandering pooch were scooped up by a neighbor and returned to the doggie donor’s owner.
• Monday, July 16 1:27 a.m. As a he-and-she camping duo set up makeshift lodgings in Stewart Court, the woman howlingly notified the neighborhood of her missing shoe.
3:07 p.m. Another suburban guerrilla playing army man was entirely undisguised by his camouflage overalls at Eighth and G streets. There, the imprinted foliage might better have been depictions of steaming lattes and artisanal pannini sandwiches if the guy was trying to get a stealthy jump on anyone. Instead, the ludicrous garment along with his hand gestures mimicking a gun undermined any fearsome authority Commander Cuckoo may have otherwise mustered as he ordered puzzled members of the bistro nosher-sphere to “Get on the ground!”
• Tuesday, July 17 3:09 p.m. A supposed Sovereign Citizen tried to open a bank account without the required documents, and as seems routine in encounters with these sometimes somewhat surly folk, non-hilarity ensued. Employees found themselves arguing with the free inhabitant settler who is an agent of the individual representing the person embodied in the entity which had exempted itself from society’s outrageous identification requirements.
3:48 p.m. The placid Arcata Marsh parking lot gained cultural enrichment from an arriving vehicle blasting music and driven by some dude a-chugging the herb, the better to appreciate nature’s sublime grandeur.
• Wednesday, July 18 6:18 p.m. A man diddled with his hideous junk on F Street, doing so in a most inopportune location – outside a martial arts studio. The handy-man was handily detained on the ground in non-erotic fashion until police arrived and arrested him on an indecent exposure charge.
• Thursday, July 19 5:18 p.m. A bearded man smeared ice cream all over the windows of a Valley West sandwich shop, as one does.
• Sunday, July 22 8:21 a.m. The yaksmen of yesteryore are now goatsmen and cowboys, as they were reported herding their four-legged charges into the forest from Diamond Drive.
2:48 p.m. A Heather Lane resident noticed a bullet hole in the wall of his home, one which hadn’t been there two months ago.
• Monday, July 23 9:54 a.m. Seven libertines at the center of the Plaza smoked and drank their breakfast, possibly to dull themselves to the oppressive glower of the bronze man looming over their assemblage.
2:49 p.m. During a pause in the APD babysitting presence, three Plazoids lit up their stinkarettes.
• Tuesday, July 24 9:13 a.m. A man clad in all black of course positioned himself at the entrance to an F Street bank to smoke his cigarette, the stench of which wasn’t ameliorated by the whimsical dance moves he displayed while approaching passersby.
• Thursday, July 26 4:37 p.m. A drunken, shaven-headed man in a camouflage jacket failed in his attempt to purchase a knife at a downtown hardware store. He then did the only logical thing, which was to flee through an emergency exit and roll around on the ground outside.
• Friday, July 27 10:06 a.m. Customers at an F Street credit union truly felt the difference each step of the way, having to navigate the seven panhandlers and two dogs befestering the parking lot.
• Saturday, July 28 8:25 p.m. A woman called 911 and was asked what her emergency was. She reported finding a brick on a trail, and was admonished for abusing the 911 line.