• Tuesday, August 20 9:19 a.m. Lady, whether it’s in this bar or the last one, I just really am not interested in fighting with you. So step off!
9:32 a.m. Every one of the 1,850 dollars that check was made out for was bogus and bouncy-bouncy.
10:10 a.m. A guy in a wheelchair stole fake demo credit cards off the counter at a G Street bank.
11:16 p.m. A humungo-bus took up residence in the upper parking lot of a Community Park health club. From its commanding promontory, the bus and its motley inhabitants could gaze down upon and frighten fitness fans with their burly-bad vibes.
• Wednesday, August 21 10:57 p.m. An ornery sumbitch who’d started several fights in a taxidermy-oriented Plaza tavern was ejected, but strove with all his questionable might and main to get back in for more strife-creation in the usually tranquil hall of glassy-eyed severed heads. After an ineffectual bout of banging on the back door, his well-sauced cranial circuitry defaulted to an autonomic subroutine/homing instinct which saw him treading away toward the donut shop in his one lonely flip-flop. He was arrested for public drunkenness.
• Thursday, August 22 10:20 a.m. Not the most comforting scenario for a parent when a stranger walked into a house where a 14-year-old girl was home alone and said hello. The girl went in a bedroom and closed the door, summoning her mom on FaceTime.
2:40 p.m. A dog was bitten by someone else’s off-leash dog, costing the victim dog’s owner $600. Now the loose pooch’s owner can no longer truthfully mouth the usual my dog would never line, but they probably will anyway.
6:19 p.m. Anything left in a car, locked or not, is a slithy tove donation. Even the four bowling balls burgled from a vehicle on Samoa Boulevard, which may next see duty in the new Meth Head Bowling League.
9:50 p.m. When someone erupted in crying, laughing and howling outside a Maple Lane home, the resident suspected that there could be something wrong with the person.
10:43 p.m. When a guy was caught trying to pick the front door lock at a G Street restaurant, he coughed up the flimsy cover story that he had left his wallet inside, leaving him no choice but to embark on a life of crime.
11:58 p.m. After stealing something from a hooligan-suffused Uniontown supermarket, thief-guy made his getaway down the usual skeezy breezeway. His nonstandard attire and accessories proved much more effective in aiding his escape than the usual high-visibility camouflage garments favored by shoplifters. The stealth equipage included, incongruously, a green jacket with a “frowny face” on the back and a white styrofoam cooler. Clad in these ungainly accoutrement, he vanished into the night.
• Friday, August 23 7:08 a.m. Well of course the nice bicycles left in a pickup truck bed/thief donation bin on R Street didn’t last the night.
8:44 a.m. A man snoozed on the west side of a Crescent Way apartment building, snuggled up in a weird homemade metallic nest composed of paint cans and bicycle frames.
11:53 a.m. Someone dropped a dog off at a Sunny Brae animal clinic and was supposed to return for a consultation, but never did, and didn’t answer the phone or have a voice mail.
3:51 p.m. A corpulent gent of perhaps 55 years whammed his car door into a neighboring vehicle, and an argument ensued. The car-bruiser and a passenger identified themselves as “deadnecks,” and alluded to having some sort of weapon in the trunk.
3:57 p.m. “Wait here, I’ll be right back,” lied the driver who had just rear-ended a woman’s car at the transit center. And away he went, never to return.
9:17 p.m. A silver Camry backed into another car near a downtown deli, then fled the scene.
9:34 p.m. When a car driver doored a bicyclist on Hilfiker Drive, neither party ran away. Both stayed and dealt with it. The biker wasn’t hurt; just shaken up.