• Monday, March 8 4:49 p.m. For whatever reason, a Valley West business didn’t especially want aggressive panhandlers burning cardboard out front.
• Wednesday, March 10 2:41 p.m. An argument flared over someone’s dog pooping in an alley off Martha Court. Good times.
4:31 p.m. A Valley West shoplifter somehow ripped his shirt while stealing a bottle of vodka, as one does, exposing his inky back.
10:23 p.m. A man asked an F Street restaurant employee what time she got off work, and quipped, “I’ll see you wen the lights go out.” He then had a little lie-down on the grimy parking lot near a chainlink fence until moved along.
• Saturday, March 13 10:13 a.m. A shaven-skulled man in camouflage clothing head-butted an employee in the produce section at a freakwad-encumbered Uniontown supermarket.
5:31 p.m. A quartet of cocktail enthusiasts battled ineffectually at the Plaza’s center until arrested for public drunkenness.
•Sunday, March 14 7:41 a.m. A Valley West gas station micro-mart hosted an escalating battle between an employee and a rando aggro. First the bandanna’d bald beardo punched the employee in the face, then the worker pepper-gassed the puncher. This exhausted options for hand-to-hand combat, so the burly beardling hurled a big ol’ rock at the employee. Police came and arrested the mart-tagonist.
4:50 p.m. A sticky-fingered woman trying to steal sexual supplies at a Northtown retail eroticism center was held at bay by employees trying to get their naughty goods back. Police admonished her never to return on pain of trespassing.
1:06 p.m. A purple van with solar panels parked at Ninth and K streets hosted a camper, whose undoing was his penchant for throwing poop and pee at someone’s house.
• Tuesday, March 16 2:24 p.m. A camouflage-shirted man with multiple duffel bags at Seventh and G streets mixed the mandatory yelling with what might generously be termed singing, neither of which vocal stylings was beloved.
• Thursday, March 18 9:28 a.m. A guy got a ride to a Blue Lake casino from a friendly stranger and left some of his stuff in the car. At some point the driver, whose name he didn’t know, left, taking his stuff.
• Friday, March 19 12:54 a.m. A young shoplifter went for tonnage over quality or even basic palatability when he made off with an 18-pack of bland, watery beer from an Alliance Road stop ’n’ rob.
5:11 p.m. A she-weirdling created unease at an I Street store, and not just because of her yellow poncho and red face mask; the disposal of a homemade knife there being a key factor in the cop-calling.
• Tuesday, March 23 8:19 a.m. After breaking out the large window in a vacant H Street storefront, an urban backpacker was arrested.
9:28 p.m. An I Street apartment dweller noticed a woman in a window across the way with her head protruding through some Venetian blinds, just staring... and staring... and staring.. at his apartment. After enduring an hour of the disembodied head and its relentless gaze, the resident asked her if she was OK. This elicited no response whatsoever, just more staring... staring... staring...
1:06 p.m. A drunken, maskless woman came into a children’s store on the Plaza. Asked to mask up, she spat on an employees laptop computer. Wrong answer. Arrested.