• Wednesday, April 21 9:32 a.m. A 5150 patient’s hospital escape path took him past the Birth Center and out into the parking lot as fast as brown socks could carry him. Flimsy hospital gown flapping, he was last seen wending his way past the helipad en route to points south.
1:16 p.m. A shopping cart and cache of bicycle parts was found nestled amid the South I Street marsh flora and fauna.
4:35 p.m. A woman filed a missing person report on her boyfriend, last seem over two weeks ago at a camp “down by the river.”
• Thursday, April 22 6:38 a.m. An unlocked car on Alliance Road yielded its treasures, those being a speaker and amplifier.
9:09 a.m. An unlocked vehicle on Acheson Way gave up its Chromebook and a tablet.
9:11 a.m. A motorhome on Valley East Boulevard had its back axle off and several flat tires, and hadn’t moved in weeks. Its classy occupant was said to spend his days creating a nuisance in the neighborhood.
9:25 a.m. An unlocked vehicle in Sunny Brae Center hosted an uninvited Slithy Tove.
10:13 a.m. When cars doinked together on Sunset Avenue at the skate park, Pickles, the young black dog with a stripe down her nose, got scared and scampered away towards a nearby Northtown medical clinic.
10:22 a.m. A Valley West hotel with standards asked APD for relief from the residential land barge parked out front for the past two weeks. The RV’s occupants were using the hotel’s landscaping as a toilet and peering into the vehicles of employees and guests at night.
5:39 p.m. A maskless man with a jacket and no shirt refused to cover his angry face used the same writhing, naked rictus to argue with retail workers on 10th Street.
• Friday, April 23 8:20 a.m. An H Street business reported a man taking bricks from a nearby cemetery and bringing them to the store’s recessed alcove.
11:35 a.m. Someone sugared a vehicle’s dino-juice tank in Ericson Court, causing the vehicle to overheat.
12:08 p.m. A door-to-door PG&E scammer wanted a Stromberg Avenue resident’s account number, but his attempt at looking like Official Utility Guy via use of a Navy uniform and clipboard didn’t gain his would-be mark’s confidence.
3:19 p.m. A bicycle was stolen off the second-floor balcony of a Foster Avenue apartment.
3:36 p.m. A folding ladder was stolen out of a Grant Avenue backyard.
3:57 p.m. A strangeling with a backpack roamed about a West End Road business’s yard and into their shop. He asked for a job application, then ran out, jumped over two fences and went into a barn where he got into a truck that was parked inside.
4:44 p.m. A catalytic converter was stolen off a South G Street vehicle, its metals being so precious and all.
7:03 p.m. A man with a beanie and a sleeping bag was out behind a Community Park health club practiced the unhealthy sport of back alley needle use, and police moved the jabber-wacky along.
9:11 p.m. Note to self: when a woman has a restraining order against you – or even when she doesn’t – don’t invite her to commit lewd acts with you via Facetime.
• Saturday, April 2 3:04 a.m. After listening to two men fiddling with his front doorknob and trying to jiggle it open for an hour or so, an F Street man bestirred himself to call police.
7:34 p.m. For reasons undocumented, things went severely growly between a man who said he was looking for his dog and another guy out at the Marsh. The dog-seeker allegedly assaulted the man, who bopped him in the head with a metal rod.
10:40 p.m. An urban backpacker with a knife protruding from his knapsack had already been warned away from Valley West motel for trying to get into rooms, and now he was back, hanging around/looming ominously. Bowing to the inev, he left before police arrived.
10:44 p.m. A woman somehow broke into a Valley West motel room and took a shower.
11:43 p.m. A woman wearing multiple jackets argued with patrons of a Valley West burger stand in the business’s driveway.
• Sunday, April 25 10:14 a.m. This time it was a worker at a Valley West business who was complained about for starting arguments with customers. One patron was afraid to go back in and finish her business because of the scary employee.
4:31 p.m. A person parked at Aldergrove Marsh notified police that because of the rain, he would be reorganizing the contents of his vehicle. He wanted them to know in case they got any calls from concerned citizens over the activity.
5:14 p.m. An argument flared in Courtyard Circle when two unacquainted men found themselves walking down the road in proximity to each other. The one with oink hair and a blue bandanna was smoking cannabis, and the other guy asked him to move over, presumably to minimize exposure to the THC fumes. Somehow, disgruntlement intensified to the point of coming to blows.
• Monday, April 26 4:23 a.m. Someone called 911 to have a tick removed from his shoulder.
8:16 a.m. A man’s estranged wife showed up at his G Street apartment to ring his doorbell and bang on his front door. She was arrested on a public drunkenness charge.
8:51 a.m. A woman at the ER said that she had been kidnapped and pimped out, but refused to further discuss the matter with the staff.