• Friday, June 28 10:37 a.m. A woman went out to her car after shopping at a Fourth Street market only to find a man there holding a set of keys. “This is my car,” he notified her as he continually stuffed a rag into his mouth, then pulled it out and smelled it.
11:09 a.m. An embittered ex’s counterintuitive tactics for winning back her affections included slashing her car tires and sending threatening text messages.
1:34 p.m. More reverse-motivation measures in Valley West, where a man and woman wanted a guy to put them up and store their stuff in his vehicle. To accomplish this, they vandalized the vehicle and stole some stuff.
2:19 p.m. One might have expected more veneration for a surviving sample of the classic VW Beetle outside a Valley West buffet. Instead, some soulless monster hurled ice cream cones onto the iconic compact car.
10:25 p.m. A swashbuckling idler wearing a baseball cap in backwards fashion cavorted about the transit center, swinging some sort of metal bar at trash cans. Given the avant garde hat orientation, the whirling scrap-sceptre and his feckless, devil-may-care affect, workers cleaning the area sensed peril in this man’s presence.
• Saturday, June 29 1:51 a.m. When you’re that blitzed at California Avenue and Evergreen Lane, a car tire is as good as a down mattress with 1,800 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets to slump across and discernibly breathe on.
5:18 a.m. A man said his wife attacked him while he was sleeping, and she was also injured in the ensuing struggle. As she showered, he called police and shortly someone was arrested.
12:15 p.m. Lunch hour’s statistically mandated obscenity-yeller cast morose appraisals across the landscape at 10th and I streets.
1:55 p.m. Because everyone needs a hobby, a woman busied herself at Janes and Heindon roads, studiously digging a hole around a pipe. She was moved along.
4:24 p.m. I’ll just leave my wallet in my unlocked car, around which sketchy lingerers are circling, and everything will go fine, just fine.
• Sunday, June 30 10:17 a.m. Another graduate of Obliviousness Academy perched himself on a picnic table next to the roiling waters of Klopp Lake, blasting the wildlife and those seeking natural quietude with raucous guitar music via a portable amplifier.
11:38 a.m. A man saw a guy who sported a giant knife strapped to his side wearing his girlfriend’s stolen backpack on 11th Street. Rather than confront someone with compromised morals who had a sharp blade readily at hand, he called police.
4:32 p.m. A man wedged himself into the gap between a large piece of sheet metal and a bush on 10th Street, and liked the accommodations so much, he refused to leave.
6:16 p.m. Tensions and soft tissue damage ran high on the Humboldt Bay Trail North at the marsh, where a woman rammed a shopping cart into her boyf, spraining his ankle.
• Monday, July 1 4:39 p.m. For reasons unfathomable, a man carried luggage that was equipped with wheels on G Street while wearing an orange shirt. These confounding decisions gave way to more bellicose forms of buffoonery, including screeching at random passersby (they’re used to it) and threatening to “take everybody down,” presumably to some location where it’s normal to haul unwieldy wheeled objects about in the most arduous and inconvenient way possible while dressed like Caltrans.
• Tuesday, July 2 7:07 a.m. An unlocked door allowed a creeper into a Grant Avenue home overnight to freely choose from among the selection of meds, cash and credit cards as the residents slept.
8:10 a.m. On Lincoln Avenue, a car doorhandle tryer struck gold, or more accurately zinc, nickel and copper in the form of $5 in change.
11:03 a.m. A man riding a bicycle on Diamond Drive was pursued and partially masticated by a bloodthirsty poodle of the “white standard” variety.
11:23 a.m. In Tina Court, it was a kitty with no known rabies shots whose feline fangs satisfied its lust for human flesh.
11:38 a.m. Still another anger mismanagement poster child chose the marsh to revile battle-tested passersby, his volleys of vituperation lent menacing force by a big-ass sheathed knife and all-black ninja rig, the need for external identity overlays indicating feelings of personal inadequacy and potential behavioral instability.
1:07 p.m. A Plaza obscenity-spouter chose a bench on the north side to swig a prohibited beverage and propound corrosive calumnies, on the dubious premise that his stark judgments are in some sense relevant.
2:15 p.m. A panhandler on H Street demanded funding by random passersby, spewing abusion on they who dared to decline.
5:21 p.m. A possible country-western street musician on Ninth Street wore a 10-gallon hat and carried a guitar as he formed his hand into a simulation of a six-shooter – and pointed it at his ostentatiously behatted head.
6:44 p.m. On McMahan Street, the enduring fad of leaving one’s wallet in an unlocked vehicle again delivered the usual outcome – loss of the fungible funtime debit and gift cards contained within.
7:13 p.m. An ornery dumpster spelunker with rags tied to his belt at the transit center fussed and fumed at the staff there over their bull-headed intransigence regarding the influence of nitrate corrosion inhibitors on phase stability of alkali-activated slag during chloride binding and natural carbonation, or something.
• Wednesday, July 3 3:03 a.m. The voices’ volume were as high as the stakes were low at the Valley West car wash where wee-hour idlers argued the night away, much to the sleepy dismay of nearby motel guests.
10:14 a.m. A wallet and change purse laden with gift cards left inside an unlocked car on Janes Creek Drive underwent an entirely predictable evaporation.
• Independence Day 12:26 a.m. A 911 caller hung up before the dispatcher could answer, but on callback explained that he’d had a bad day, was drinking and needed a ride to Eureka. Then he hung up again, and another call back went to voicemail.
12:38 a.m. The first of very many fireworks complaints came in.
4:29 a.m. A backpacking man told a Valley West motel that he’d rented a room there, but he hadn’t. His flimsy ruse having failed, he headed toward that repository of lost souls, a nearby golden arches, pausing only to peer into some parked vehicles along the way.
7:06 p.m. A man on H Street was both argumentative and naked.
8:33 p.m. A bear briefly enjoyed the deck at a McMillan Court home.
9:17 p.m. A dog, likely wigged out from all the boomsplosions, ran inside a 12th Street house and cowered in the bathroom, refusing to leave.
10:18 p.m. A woman locked herself in the bathroom of a Valley West golden arches, responding with defensive hostility to a request that she leave.
• Friday, July 5 4:45 a.m. An E Street man reported a woman banging on his bedroom window, demanding to use his cell phone.
2:51 p.m. A woman didn’t quite complete the self-victimization process of being ripped off by a scammer. They had hired her for some freelance work and deposited $950 in her bank account to pay her $450 fee, asking that the $500 fee be refunded in the form of a gift card. She bought the gift card and was just about to send it… but, on the dawning realization that this might be (was) a scam, pulled back from the brink in time to call police.