• Sunday, June 9 9:01 a.m. When the door closed on a high school storage shed across from the skate park, a man found his life at a crossroads: he could live out his days in the spartan accommodations, hearing the world passing by outside, never knowing sunshine, starlight, laughter, love, quinoa tots and really, life itself, or call police. He chose the latter, and life.
9:13 a.m. Four goats milled about at the end of Baldwin Street, ruminating about goatly business.
9:56 a.m. There are probably higher pursuits in life than picking on the hobos drinking and smoking breakfast outside the Community Center, but the man in the blue checkered shirt hadn’t experienced this epiphany.
9:21 p.m. A man whose head eerily leveled off right at mid-forehead – oh wait, that was a camouflage baseball cap – showed an avid interest in pleasures of the flesh. Literally, as in meat, of at least two varieties – the kind you might obtain via the sort of fishing pole utensil that was sticking up out of his barn-sized backpack, and the kind you stuff into your pants in a shoplifter-encrusted Uniontown supermarket.
• Monday, June 10 1:34 p.m. Pro-tip: knocking a hole in the wall of a room you’ve sub-let on Hallen Drive may lead to personal strife and calls to cops.
12:43 p.m. A man of some years should not only have known better, but given his Wilford Brimleyesque, bespectacled appearance might have qualified for supporting roles as a character actor in Netflix originals. Instead, he found himself starring in surveillance cam photos of various hardware stores as he allegedly ripped off a display gas grill and other merch.
3:20 p.m. A Valley West motel lodger’s canny plan to increase the amount of needless difficulty in his life went off like clockwork when he failed to pay for the room, then stashed his belongings and dog inside and went off somewhere.
10:07 p.m. Another Valley West motel disenjoyed the man who decided that the fetid trash bin corral would be a good place to stand his sovereign ground and offer free arguments to any who dared to challenge his dumpster dominion.
• Tuesday, June 11 9:30 a.m. Knowing that the resident was in jail, a squatter took up residence in a Tina Court home. He lied and said he had permish, then audaciously argued with the helpless prisoner when he was told to GTFO.
4:08 p.m. A tall, bearded man in an earth-toned jacket on the Plaza asked about for a “rig,” which could mean a lot of things but can probably be assumed with confidence to be the most insalubrious interpretation.
7:27 p.m. Despite the profoundly personality-distorting levels of alcohol he had on board, a superachieving passerby offender at Eighth and G streets took the time and care to craft a profanity-laden cardboard sign to augment his yellings. The artisanal annoyer was arrested.
6:20 p.m. Some would call it an impairment, others a challenge to Be Best, but a plucky youth with a broken arm overcame this obstacle to join forces with another lad and rip off some six to eight bottles of alcohol from a shoplifter-overrun Uniontown supermarket.
6:27 p.m. Any visitors to Humboldt in the area of 11th and J streets and seeking local color got it when a woman hung partly out of a golden PT Cruiser, rubbing her head.
• Wednesday, June 12 9:59 a.m. Three camps popped up in the unofficial Carlson Park homesteading project, plus someone living in a rental trailer in the parking lot.
10:32 a.m. Three slumpabouts provided extremely poor behavioral modeling to innocents at a Valley West preschool by wallowing at the bus stop when they had no intention of riding any bus. This questionable citizenship was only worsened by their ensuing grunge-centered debauch, defined by flamboyant use of alcohol, smoking substances, an orange tank top, tattoos and at least one hat.
10:55 p.m. Consensus wasn’t elusive at a Valley West gas station that a drunk woman with a bloody face and hands shouldn’t get behind the wheel and pilot a ton of metal, glass, plastic and human flesh about the roadways at high velocities. She was arrested.
• Thur1sday, June 13 9:14 a.m. Illegal campers lacking in both stealth and subtlety set up a blue tent right on the main trail from Carlson Park’s parking lot, then passed around a jolly jug of grog. They were moved along.
3:04 p.m. A man with red hair and a beard to match didn’t take it well when asked to play his tuba somewhere besides his campsite near a chainlink fence at Ninth and D streets. His crimson-maned mouth, which moments earlier had been blubbering out rotund tuba tones, was now used for to further befoul the biosphere with vulgar blurtings of a less musical nature.
4:41 p.m. A peaceable F Street laundromat found itself sullied by a paroxysm of argy-bargy hostility at the hands of a she-shrieker who’d been driving a blue truck.
• Friday, June 14 1:33 p.m. We’re just going to have to hope against hope and assume that somewhere there is a dog owner who doesn’t turn onto a stewpot of surly snarvulence when asked to leash his aggressive husky in Stewart Park.
2:48 p.m. Yet another dog poop war is brewing on Jessica Court over a neighborhood pet’s lawn decorations.
11:48 p.m. A drunken boyfriend called his single mother companion who was at home with her children and threatened to send trimmigrants to kill her, apparently via some hitherto unknown murder-for-hire service operated by pot snippers.
• Saturday, June 15 6:30 a.m. After being caught stealing groceries and having to surrender them at a Valley West supermarket, an impeccable decisionmaker (as evidenced by his yellow shoes) refused to leave the store, instead holding some sort of snit-in until police came and arrested him.
9:01 a.m. As tenants in an L Street residence slept, a man broke in and prowled about. They awoke to find the stranger standing in their home.
7:35 p.m. Patrons at a Ninth Street restaurant found themselves showered in spittle from two drunks perched on the roof of the three-story building seemingly targeting people on the ground with their ptooeys.
8:11 p.m. A man wearing rainbow pants wandered in traffic on L.K. Wood Boulevard, refusing to move even when cars got backed up down the road. While it probably seemed like a good idea at the time, the spectral speed bump was nonetheless arrested for creating a traffic hazard.
11:03 p.m. Dashing gents accessorized with an alluring backwards baseball cap, backpack, red goatee and carrying a six pack of beer at 17th and I streets explained that they were looking for a party.
• Monday, June 17 11:43 a.m. A minivan parked in a 20-minute zone of the Plaza’s south side, its parking term long enough for the six dogs it disgorged onto the Plaza enough time to do any urgent business there.
9:22 p.m. A man complaining about a barking dog at a Valley West motel was advised to call the business’s front desk.
9:26 p.m. Instead, the arf-irked lodger called 911, getting all irate when told that it wasn’t really an emergency.
• Tuesday, June 18 2:57 p.m. A woman so drunk she could hardly walk or even talk staggered along Giuntoli Lane, headed for her car and some creative driving.
6:04 p.m. A beardly weirdling on the Plaza threatened random people there, in direct defiance of the new era of healing and unity that has followed statue removal.