• Tuesday, December 24 2:14 a.m. An interspecies choral group composed of a woman and dogs howling up the night in a G Street bank’s parking lot were moved along.
8:17 a.m. When you’re a McKinleyville resident who’s been ripped off by an Oklahoma company, who ya gonna call? APD!
10:37 a.m. Someone on Spruce Way said that a tow truck driver took pictures of her credit card, then took care of business and left… with pics of her credit card still on his phone, which didn’t seem quite right. She wanted police to look into the matter.
12:58 p.m. A green-hatted man with dreadlocks busied himself setting a gas fire in the middle of I Street. When that failed, he tried again to fan the flames of futility in front of a nearby bagelry, and was arrested.
5:35 p.m. A laundromat customer/he-Karen found his fluff and fold experience so less than sublime that he threatened physical reprisals against the G Street launderer, a needlessly aggressive tactic to expedite seeing the manager.
7:12 p.m. Still another homo erraticus made sexual comments to a woman at a Valley West burger stand, then tried to get into her car.
8:28 p.m. A hospital patient’s hasty exit left him with a needle and tubing dangling from his arm like Yuletide ornamentation upcycled from biohazardous waste.
• Christmas 3:54 a.m. The holiday was heralded by the beating of drums on Diamond Drive.
10:59 a.m. A man was said to be helplessly locked in a vehicle in a health club parking lot. Liberating forces were dispatched.
2:05 p.m. A man refused to exit a cab in a health club parking lot. Apparently extrication occurred, since they aren’t there any more.
• Thursday, December 26 12:10 p.m. A squad of four toughs on bikes executed a coordinated theft at a downtown hardware store, then pedaled away. Among their urban assault accoutrement were bad-guy black hats, the mandatory hoodies, post-Caribbean dreadlocks, suburban badass camo pants, a knife in a leg sheath and a bike-mounted bat.
12:40 p.m. “I’m going to fight you!” was the curiously verbose declaration by a man in Redwood Park. Despite his bold departure from the traditional “Imakigyerfugginass!” the needlessly articulate gentleman aptly demonstrated his fearsome potential for ineffectual savagery by beating on a vehicle for a time. However, police deemed the report unfounded and it may go down in history as some noon-hour fantasist’s fever dream.
12:52 p.m. After being sexually inappropriate with hospital staff, a drunk threatened the subjects of his unwanted ardor with a knife and was arrested.
9:40 p.m. Somehow the night’s UnSelf-Awareness Award was won by a fresh contestant, the man who parked his car in the H Street roadway and, with a woman and child, commenced a-chompin’ evening vittles.
• Friday, December 27 8:23 a.m. A Foster Avenue man’s wallet disappeared overnight, and by morn his debit card had been used in Eureka.
9:32 a.m. A man said his cell phone had been taken out of his hand on Giuntoli Lane the previous night, but he didn’t know if there’d been a struggle.
2:47 p.m. A woman loaded up a cart with $500 in groceries, jetted out of the store, piled it all in a blue Honda Odyssey and zoomed away.
• Saturday, December 28 10:07 a.m. A husband served an Emergency Protective Order on behalf of his wife. He was supposed to clear out, but she viewed him still moving about the house on security cameras from some unknown remove.
10:50 a.m. A man did a stop ’n’ squat on the pedestrian overpass, leaving behind another tripping hazard for that night’s traversers.
12:23 p.m. Another representative of the male persuasion at the library touched a woman after being asked not to, made a scene and, clad in black and blue, wouldn’t leave his battlestation at computer no. 2.
12:23 p.m. A fancifully-attired bicycling brigand for the third time beset a downtown hardware store, this time resplendent in discount-road warrior spiked baseball cap and skullface mask advertising his social maladjustment. Caught on video swiping various tools, the suspect was arrested.
5:21 p.m. A relative arrived from out of town at the home of her brother, who passed away on Christmas Day. She found that someone had broken in and stolen several guitars and other items.
4:24 p.m. A woman left her stuff in a garbage bag on a bench at the transit center and went shopping, expecting the low-density polyethylene wrapper to repel incursions by opportunivores and trash collectors alike. When she returned, the bag was but a wrinkly-fond memory since the longevity of unattended property at that location is generously estimated at one Planck second.
6:23 p.m. An urban traveler with full beanie-backpack-cargo pants regalia luxuriated for an unseemly period of time bathing in the restroom of a Uniontown variety store. Repristinated, he steamed away toward a shoplifter-encrusted supermarket across the parking lot. The store that had hosted his bathing session wanted him tracked down and talked to, but daisy-fresh and with night falling fast, he was well onto some new adventure.
• Monday, December 30 3:21 p.m. Someone broke into an H Street mother-in-law unit and passed into the main house, where they took a shower.
5:23 p.m. A man in black overalls claimed to have stayed at a Plaza hotel, but there was no record in their system. He then said he was a police officer, and when asked to leave, slammed his fist on the counter. A cop advised him never to return there.
5:51 p.m. A hairy man had a solo hissyfit outside a Sunny Brae school, causing concern.
6:08 p.m. An unknown elder gent with a cane and a limp hobbled about a Union Street school’s playground, causing concern.
• New Year’s Eve 6:04 a.m. A thumping sound awoke an F Street resident, who suspected someone was doing something under his house.
• New Year’s Day 1:24 p.m. A man, loosely defined, at the marsh ventilated his hideous species-perpetuation apparatus in the open air, asking a horrified stranger for some unspecified “help.”
5:43 a.m. A woman who had no identification couldn’t rent a motel room, so she gave some guy she didn’t know $75 to secure the room for her. The friendly stranger rented the room, moved in and then wouldn’t answer the door.
• Thursday, January 2 12:36 p.m. Someone broke into a Madrone Way home, though there was no sign of forced entry, and left an unloaded Beretta firearm there.
• Friday, January 3 11:32 a.m. A woman on Stromberg Avenue, which according to Google Maps is a 12-minute drive from the pooch-packed Humboldt County Animal Shelter, sent $900 to Fontana, Calif. for two puppies. They didn’t arrive on Dec. 17 as had supposedly been arranged. Then the seller contacted the lady saying he needed another $1,450 for a special puppy-shipping crate. Lady, you coulda just… oh never mind.
12:03 p.m. Are those two steer on Alliance Road starving, or do they just look that way?
1:11 p.m. Three TVs were stolen from a Mustang Lane home.
4:38 p.m. Three individs of slightly varying plaid-colored garb were reported in a “horrible” argument at Ninth and H streets on the Plaza. The primary antagonists were a guy in a tan and brown plaid shirt and another in a red and black plaid shirt. Which flavor of liney goodness was destined to reign supreme is unrecorded.
8:16 p.m. Arriving at her H Street apartment parking lot, a woman couldn’t help but notice the blood-splattered car there.
9:18 p.m. “Please don’t hurt me!” was the not-unreasonable request of a combatant involved in a bout of fisticuffs in Stewart Park.
8:20 p.m. Gibbered-up menfolk, four in number and awash in some unholy, self-administered alcohol-testosterone concoction, battled briefly on the Plaza in full defiance of the new era of unity and understanding in effect since the mean old statue was removed. The ADD-attenuated strife gradually ebbed into unfortunate verbal exchanges drawn liberally from their collective 300-word vocabulary.
9:31 p.m. Doubts about accreditation dooming any impulse to form a new MENSA chapter on the spot, the battle-hardened warriors from the last hour’s Plaza squabble added reinforcements, swelling their ranks to as many as 10. The doofus detachment then clambered up onto the roof of the transit center for an elevated clash, the outcome of which is undocumented.
11:43 p.m. Rather than a mole in the potting shed, an F Street apartment complex hosted a surly carport camper not interested in relocating. Asked to leave by a tenant, he rose to his feet brandishing an icepick, asking where the person lived and other threatening questions. The resident held him at bay with an unfired taser and then called police who moved the camper along.
• Saturday, January 4 7:14 a.m. A camouflage-hatted man in a black leather jacket tried a scammy gambit at the classiest lodging facility in Valley West. He claimed he was a guest, but refused to say which room he was staying in. This prevented the staff from doing anything except asking him to leave, but he held with tradition and refused to do so until police came.
7:36 a.m. Doing the same thing and expecting a different result, Camo Hat Man went to a lesser motel just down the way and claimed to be a guest. From there he was moved along again.
8:54 a.m. Two “very hairy” men in rain gear started getting grumpy-wumpy, then pushy-shovey and soon to be snitty-hitty, along Tavern Row. Along they were moved.
1:19 p.m. A man all a-slumber by the riding mowers at a Valley West store refused to leave, but as always, eventually did.
3:09 p.m. Taking responsibility for his black lab’s steaming emissions onto an H Street sidewalk simply wasn’t among a hoodie-clad man’s portfolio of personal responsibilities.
9:53 p.m. Three men clustered on the narrow sidewalk outside a Northtown hair salon engaged in cerebral repartée with passersby, in the sense that the writhing apertures from which their burly blurts emanated were roughly co-located with their booze-bamboozled brainpans.
• Sunday, January 5 1:44 a.m. If you’re going to impersonate a cop at a Plaza bar, maybe don’t go slamming on the door and glass until real cops come and arrest you.
6:07 a.m. A 10th Street rooster cock-a-doodle-drills holes in the mind of an annoyed neighbor at 5 a.m. every morning.
10:07 a.m. Surely there was a more secure location to store gift cards, credit cards and other funtime fungibles than an unlocked car on Ariel Way.
9:27 p.m. Same with the motorcycle helmets and goggles swiped from an unlocked car in Benjamin Court.
• Tuesday, January 7 9:49 a.m. A large bearded man chugged a beer at a Valley West supermarket then left, the tactic defying any possibility of extra-medical merch recovery.
10:15 a.m. A man in a Raiders hat filled up a box with hot bar food and walked out of a 13th Street store, then strode out, hopped on a bike and rode off.