• Friday, June 1 12:31 a.m. For whatever reason, an I Street resident didn’t wish to entertain the sprightly company of a man trying their back door while weeping and saying he was sorry.
6:55 a.m. Someone was reported down and defuncted in the Portland Loo with a needle hanging out of their arm, but police found no sign of the funky junkie.
9:06 a.m. Four dogs chased a letter carrier down the street in Sandra Court, continuing the tradition of canine contempt for the U.S. Postal Service.
11:39 a.m. Some thieving bastid attempted a lounge chair heist at a dimwit-beleaguered Valley West hotel, hurling the sitting device over a fence in broad daylight as phase 1 of his ill-conceived chairjacking. But it ended there, as he was warned away.
2:36 p.m. A surly street tough in a gray beanie claimed the Temperance League bubbler as his own personal passerby-abuse zone, yelling and pushing at all who walked past. The blithering boyo turned out to be an equal-opportunity thug, foolishly resisting arrest and winding up being charged with same.
3:38 p.m. A disgusting old dude in black shades and a green hat pulled up to someone on Union Street in an undescribed vehicle whilst pleasuring his grizzled self and severely displeasuring his victim.
10:36 p.m. A Hallen Drive resident came home to find a knife stabbed into his front door. This didn’t make him feel especially safe.
• Saturday, June 2 1:23 p.m. An unattended orange paddleboard left overnight in a Ribeiro Lane driveway proved unsustainable. Pro-tip: there are not-nice people who cruise around at night looking for anything fungible and grabbable, and they’re coming to a front yard near you.
• Sunday, June 3 8:53 a.m. An unknown anti-landscaping activist went full bozo on an 11th Streeter’s yard sometime overnight, demolishing a backyard fence, tearing out a front yard shrub and, insult to injury, leaving the front gate unlatched.
4:56 p.m. Based on second-hand info and personal observations, someone alleged that a downtown business was acting as a money-laundering operation.
• Monday, June 4 12:11 a.m. A free-range fusspot personally addressed the grave shortage of banging and yelling at Ninth and J streets.
2:33 a.m. An H Street wife reported hubby trying to burn himself with a cigarette.
4:12 p.m. Sitabout swills seething with the spirits they were imbibing wallowed drunkenly near the Fire Department, which is known more for people with crisply ironed garb, washed faces, professional goals and other dumb junk like that.
8:05 p.m. Aaaaaand it wouldn’t be a coplog without some Valley West laundromat drama, with voices raised and passions running as hot and foamy as the wash cycles churning all about.
Drumming and music (so-called)
Left Frederick Av’nuers appalled
The sound so demented
Was well documented
When cops of Our Cata were called
• Tuesday, June 5 11:32 a.m. A man at 16th and H streets brought disgrace to his cowboy hat when he hurled a water bottle at the windshield of a parking enforcement vehicle.
1:13 p.m. Can-do slumpabouts made creative re-use of discarded furniture behind a lower California Street business, rearranging it into a cushy, cushiony camp. Alas, one of their number had an outstanding warrant and was arrested in mid-slouch.
7:44 p.m. After some restorative slumber on the floor of a Uniontown supermarket, a man in a rancid poncho proceeded out to the parking lot for an invigorating bout of utterly pointless yelling.
7:44 p.m. A dumpster spelunker outside a Sunny Brae coffee shop paused in his garbage-sifting labors long enough to yell at the employees.
• Wednesday, June 6 12:58 p.m. Travs of a not necessarily environmentally sensitive nature diverted water at Aldergrove Pond in order to create a bridge of some sort.
2:32 p.m. A Zehndner Avenue dog may have been starving to death, but at least it had a giant tumor on its behind.
3:10 p.m. Another laundroversy erupted in Valley West.
• Thursday, June 7 7:09 p.m. The downtown fire station’s irresistible eroticism overtook two persons who commenced emergency hanky-panky in the alley out back.
8:51 p.m. Oh you sweet, wonderful, trusting naif. You left food (or for that matter anything remotely valuable or shiny) in the back seat of your car at the Marsh, entirely visible to the swarms of roving opportunivores. That was smash-and-grabbed along with some stuff from someone else’s car.
• Friday, June 8 12:05 p.m. If arriving bus passengers at the
Internodal... Ultramodal... Undermiddle... the bus station didn’t hear the Greyhound driver’s announcement that they had reached Arcata, they quickly came to know this by the signature batshit howling emanating from the bellowing bro clad in a brown hoodie and tan sleeping bag.
9:43 p.m. It’s doubtful that the pit bull being yelled at and punched by the alleged man and woman on Alliance Road had the damndest idea why, or what it was supposed to do differently.
• Saturday, June 9 6:11 a.m. Just as a thought experiment, the three cars left overnight on the Plaza despite multiple, eye-level and unmissable flyers warning the drivers that the Farmers’ Market was taking place Saturday morning and any remaining vehicles would be towed might have been there because 1. The drivers were so hot to trot that they parked and raced into the bars to exploit any potential for Friday night hot ’n’ steamy reproductive activity and, 2. They succeeded in securing same and abandoned their vehicles in place.
7 a.m. A man at 12th and K streets was tripping so hard that his hallucination nearly enveloped a passerby, whom he asked for help.
• Sunday, June 10 8:24 a.m. Maybe the mattress in Room 202 is too lumpy, or the lampshade tilted, or the crank stepped on one too many times. In any event, tensions ran high in a Valley West motel room, with the ensuing top-volume arguments disturbing other guests all night long. The lodgers were asked to leave on pain of trespassing.
9:55 a.m. But they didn’t. They very didn’t, and more than an hour later the garrulous grumps were still there… then they weren’t.
3:11 p.m. The obnoxious panhandler on I Street reverse-incentivised passerby to give him any money, since they would essentially be rewarding him for yelling at them and making them uncomfortable – services provided free almost everywhere else downtown.
• Monday, June 11 1:32 p.m. The previous day’s I Street obnoxillator was back at a nearby store, saying lewd things to women. He was moved along.
6:16 p.m. A man with a bag loaded up with adult beverages was stopped in his tracks in Aisle 3 and asked to have a seat on the floor until police arrived.