• Friday, July 21 1:33 a.m. A J Street resident saw three men walk past his house, then heard some noise. He went out to find a knife in his yard and some glass broken in his neighbor’s shed.
6:47 a.m. A man walking northbound and 18th and H streets argued loudly with himself, and no wonder – he had some serious issues with the way his own self had treated him. For one thing, he had no shoes this morning, and all he had on was pajama pants, and yet somehow, despite these impairments, this one-man Scotland Yard had tracked down the culprit (who, as it happens, inhabits the same corporeal being). Yes, responsibility for these bad decisions rested squarely on the person now bellowing shirtlessly into the white blanket he was carrying – himself. And he was determined to let this fiend know of his unhappiness in no uncertain terms.
8:30 a.m. A traffic sprite in a cheerful yellow shirt pranced in and out of the roadway on Valley West Boulevard, appearing animated due to a suspected surfeit of trendy chemical amusement aid.
9:21 a.m. Nearly eight hours after the trio of interlopers surged that J Street address, the knife was still stabbed into the ground there, and the neighbor’s window damage was reported anew.
10:38 a.m. A man entered a Giuntoli Lane credit union to use its electrical outlets, and got all huffy when he was asked to leave. Police found him in the back parking lot, where he was arrested on a petty theft charge.
4:34 p.m. A man came to a Courtyard Circle resident’s home asking for help and trying to sell him alcohol. But the real reason for the visit, the resident’s sister said, was that the man was stalking her. He left in a white Nissan Maxima with four people in it.
6:13 p.m. That Valley West credit union must be known as charger central, as still another departure-resistant backpacker slumped semi-drunkenly near the back door, charging his phone.
8:37 p.m. A man at 10th and I streets toted a bottle of vodka as he yelled obscenities at passing vehicles.
9:06 p.m. A shoplifter at a Uniontown supermarket didn’t exactly pay for the basket of groceries off with which he made. In lieu of payment, he peed upon the store’s floor, then headed off southbound with his pinched pannier of provender.
10:59 p.m. A Samoa Boulevard resident complained of loud electrical-style guitar emanating from the west and north, with a possible bonfire augmenting the musical festivities.
11:30 p.m. A woman’s stepfather sent her text messages stating that people were tapping his phone and that he was going to “swim with the fishes.”
11:30 p.m. The person who called in the earlier blaring guitar complaint said that someone there who had been contacted by officers was outside and yelling angrily that they would find out who called police.
• Sunday, July 23 2:05 p.m. Multiple dimwits participated in the sport of dings, fussing ’twixt themselves about nothing much on the Plaza. It was all fun and lames until that dude with the green hat brandished his argument-solver and probable best buddy, a stick.
3:35 p.m. A motorhome has been parked on Ericson Way at Frank Martin Court for three weeks, and is proving increasingly popular. The occupants, enjoying the romance of the road by travelin’ and a-livin’ off the land (and siphoning gas from nearby company vehicles), enjoy a vivid social life in the company of those responsible for the heavy foot traffic to and from the RV, plus whoever drives that green Ford Explorer and silver truck.
• Monday, July 24 6:49 a.m. Someone snoozed in Cahill Park just as the school day got started, with dozens of students about to pass by the figure in the yellow blanket en route to the switchback trail of ill repute.
8:49 a.m. A report flooded in by fax of a kitten bite to someone’s right hand.
10:22 a.m. The Ericson Way crap-caravan entered the formal abatement process.
10:27 a.m. A letter came in to APD alleging that a tenant at an apartment complex was selling drugs to others there.
10:36 a.m. Another letter came in, this one with no return address or sender info, containing pictures of a truck in an Arcata parking lot. The truck, a business vehicle bearing a company logo, was shown with bald tires and no license plate.
12:26 p.m. The dead end at 10th and O streets, a super-unobtrusive spot to park your vehicle and camp for a month. Until it isn’t.
1:24 p.m. The Plaza was again awash in pseudo-service dogs.
1:24 p.m. The Ericson Way RV entertained distinguished guests who arrived in a gray Jeep Wagoneer.
5:31 p.m. Apart from his obvious substance impairment, there was something about the man loitering about the Plaza in a blanket, a white-and-blue leather cap with spikes, black military jacket and maroon pants with a skateboard that seemed, well, a little off.
• Tuesday, July 25 2:45 a.m.
17th Street at H, on the corner
A plucky young pair of performers
Played drum and guitar
Their tunes traveled far
To the home of an unknown informer
10:29 p.m. As a worker toiled on the Seventh Street freeway overpass, some sort of sleazy slithy tove swept through and stole the person’s lunchbox.
11:30 p.m. Someone asked that police conduct a welfare check on an elderly couple, both in their eighties, who were staying at a cheap Valley West motel. The woman was very ill, and the two had no money or insurance.
2:20 p.m. Not every snatch-and-scamper booze thief succeeds in securing their succulent quarry, especially if the desired loot reduces the necessary escape velocity. A woman who’d hefted an 18-pack of beer out the door of a Valley West mini-mart was successfully pursued and detained across the street. An arrest followed.
2:44 p.m. The last thing you need in a hospital birth center is a guy who refuses to leave and bangs on the door.
4:03 p.m. A heavyset woman in a tie-dye dress stole a cup of coffee from an I Street store, initially refused a request to leave and made vaguely suicidal statements. As she departed toward the Plaza, the store wanted police to check on her well-being.
7:46 p.m. Cahill Park hosted two sleeping-bagged campers.
• Wednesday, July 26 3:18 a.m. Wee-hour pugilism at an Alliance Road apartment complex involved two women and a man arguing and punching each others’ cars.
4:22 a.m. The man involved in the previous escapade proved to be some sort of alternative substance dependency counselor, who rode a bicycle up and down the street, stopping at a truck to pound on the window, screaming at the woman inside that she is an alcoholic.
12:28 p.m. We’ve all been there. Sometimes you get so drunk you have to just pass out naked on a trampoline on L.K. Wood Boulevard.
5:42 p.m. A man outside a cannabis dispensary pestered passersby to buy him some of the sticky delecta-nuggets within.
• Thursday, July 27 2:18 a.m. A woman out with her boyfriend encountered her ex at a downtown club, whereupon the embittered former swain knocked her phone out of her hand, cracking the screen, “smacked” the current boyf and then punched her car. None of which actions did anything to restore their former relationship.
7:33 a.m. A person came to the ER on LSD and Ecstasy. Once that was cleared up, he was arrested.
8:37 a.m. A couple of blokes installed a double mattress under a tree in someone’s G Street front yard, then snuggled under some blankets and went to sleep. As one does. Or they did, anyway.
1:27 p.m. Impostor PG&E representatives had even ginned up some kind of fake ID on a lanyard thingy to go door-to-door on Valley West Boulevard.
1:53 p.m. A fake PG&E rep called an Aldergrove business demanding payment. No.
9:56 p.m. A dog running down L.K. Wood Boulevard jumped into someone’s car.
• Saturday, July 29 12:54 a.m. A woman clad in all black clothing rooted around for garbage in a Valley West drive-thru lane. Someone swerved to avoid her and struck a lighting standard.
5:07 a.m. After their bedroom’s doorknob became bent, it trapped a man and woman in their 15th Street bedroom. He tried to pry it open with a knife, to no avail.
6:03 a.m. A woman called from Union Street complaining that her husband wouldn’t let her get her purse out of his car, and had taken his phone. She didn’t want police to respond, but then he got on the line and said he’d given her her purse back and wanted her removed from his apartment.
11:52 a.m. A person selling and burning sage on the corner of the Plaza was moved along.
2:35 p.m. As a public service to the ever-roving doorhandle tryers of our land, someone at the Community Center left a GPS unit, phone charger, seven video rentals and $600 in their unlocked car.
6:57 p.m. Notwithstanding the vast intellectual prowess signaled by a backwards Oakland Raiders cap and matching jersey, a had-been-drinking attendee with an overactive pie-hole was 86’d from a genteel Humboldt Crabs game.
11:32 p.m. An internal combustion hobbyist amused himself, and no one else, by sitting in his car in a Poplar Drive driveway, talking on the phone and revving his engine.
• Sunday, July 30 3:32 a.m. A pants-falling-down guy with his hoodie up wandered into a Valley West motel claiming he was visiting a guest. But this so-called social call consisted of hoodie-head swiping coffee from the breakfast area and refusing to leave. He was escorted out.
• Monday, July 31 8:46 a.m. A sick dog was tied up and abandoned in a G Street bank’s back parking lot.
9:41 a.m. A man left his wallet in his unlocked car as he went to the previous Saturday’s Farmers’ Market. A thief stole a credit card out of it, but was unsuccessful in using it.
11:13 a.m. A woman left a laptop computer in the back seat of her unlocked car on Bayside Road, and is now in the market for a replacement.
12:29 p.m. Baseball bats may temporarily silence one’s adversaries, but they really don’t resolve arguments in any effective way.
7:06 p.m. A 12th Street resident noticed that someone had pitched a tent in their backyard.
10:48 p.m. A half-dozen people wearing black panda and penguin masks yelled at people on the Plaza while beaming lasers at them and trampling the planter beds.