• Saturday, September 15 3:33 p.m. A tree attacked a man near the Redwood Park parking lot. Using a gravity assist, it plunged earthward onto its prey and broke his leg.
4:10 p.m. A woman gave a man a mattress a long time ago, and now demanded its return. The man was worried for his safety, in that her son might try to forcibly repossess the springy device.
• Sunday, September 16 12:29 a.m. An H Street hot dog stand played music too loud for someone’s tastes.
9:58 a.m. A residential bus parked at 11th and O streets, where its residents pursued their avid hobbies of smoking the dope, spreading trash around and fighting amongst themselves.
11:58 p.m. “Please don’t hit me!” bellowed a man at 11th and K streets.
• Monday, September 17 12:36 a.m. A yellingman’s presumption of dipsomanic immunity didn’t prevent his arrest on a public drunkenness charge in Sherri Court.
12:38 a.m. “Help me!” screamed a man at V Street and Ariel Way.
3:20 a.m. A man trundled off from a Uniontown supermarket with a watermelon cart, and was last spotted in the shadowy recesses behind the desolate shopping center, slithering into the night with his ill-gotten lobes of succulence.
• 5:56 a.m. To the unschooled eye of the Community Forest user who phoned in, a man in the forest was “running livestock.” Wrong. He and his yak, goat, cow and sidekick are on a spittle-flecked journey of discovery with their four-legged spirit guides.
• Wednesday, September 19 11:12 a.m. Two drunken men made a bunk out of a parking space out front of a Uniontown variety store. That is, until arrested.
11:12 a.m. A man at the Plaza’s northeast corner screamed about killing dogs until arrested.
11:19 a.m. A man at a Sunny Brae middle school jumped up onto a basketball rim and asked for directions to the Plaza, where he might serve as a fresh replacement module for the previously arrested lunatic.
1:20 p.m. A young man wearing a black baseball cap staggered drunkenly in the roadway at Eighth and G streets, pausing only to hurl a roll of toilet paper into a tree, as one does. He was arrested.
1:53 p.m. One man’s existential yelps were triggered by his misplaced hat, the loss of which left him woebegone and wailing near tidy arrays of glistening flesh in a Uniontown supermarket’s meat department.
4:48 p.m. No, see, I’m the homeowner. You’re the guest. You don’t lock me out.
5:09 p.m. Asked to leave (he was already banned) an 11th Street pizza joint, a man kicked some dishes by way of ruthless retaliation.
7:35 p.m. Despite brandishing the Clipboard of Faux Authority on 11th Street, a salesthief’s requests to see residents’ utility bills led not to a successful scam, but a call to police.