• Thursday, February 16 10:25 p.m. Once the person arrested lying on the floor of downtown donut shop no longer has the spins, there may be some reflective self-appraisal to work through.
• Friday, February 17 7:47 a.m. This car with tinted windows drives slowly through an Alliance Road neighborhood from time to time, sometimes parking for days, then leaving, then returning for more looming, its purpose unknown.
1:45 p.m. An unlocked car on 18th Street yielded the wallet within, which was miraculously recovered by the Sheriff’s Office, its credit cards double-miraculously unused.
4:21 p.m. Well this guy stood in the rain on the corner, watched the people go shuffling downtown, for 20 minutes or longer, and then he turned it around.
8:56 p.m. An outlandish IRS call-scam – the one where the delinquent taxpayer has to immediately buy iTunes and other gift cards and tell the faux agent the numbers over the phone – snagged another victim, this time to the tune of $2,000.
• Saturday, February 18 8:17 a.m. One sign that the new roommate on Valley East Boulevard wasn’t working out was the person standing in someone’s bedroom doorway and refusing to leave.
11:55 a.m. There being no standards any more, a behoodied man parked his car in an I Street parking lot, got out, took a dump on the asphalt, slung up a shoulder bag and walked away.
1:02 p.m. A man in Rotary Park asked a boy to come home with him, and when the lad refused, the 30-something white male ran to a car and drove away.
4:31 p.m. An injured deer that showed up outside the hospital door with bone sticking out of its body was deemed to be in need of putting down rather than medical care. Oops! Wrong species.
• Sunday, February 19 12:59 p.m. A man in a dirty hoodie with cuts on his face stole a homeless donation jar from an H Street business, then headed out toward the bars.
• Monday, February 20 6:49 a.m. A man inside a Valley West supermarket made it his mission to deliver a scrambled address at top volume regarding kung fu, the one glitch being that he made no discernible sense whatsoever. An arrest ended the tirade.
• Tuesday, February 21 3:11 p.m. Stress factors mounted behind the softball field at the Community Park when someone said there were two tents there.
5:30 p.m. A bearded man perhaps age 45 going on seven undertook a hydrologically daunting triple mission at 11th and H streets: to publicly pee and yell at passersby while convincing these same people to give him money.
11:33 p.m. A man with orange hair and no shoes peed on the side of an Alliance Road mini-mart. When asked to leave, he yelled at the employees as though they, not he, were in the wrong with all this.
* Wednesday, February 22 7:08 a.m. A man in tie-dye pants, a leather jacket and carrying a blue glove conducted dizziness research in the parking lot of a Valley West motel, as one does. After falling into buildings and cars, police were called in to move the single-gloved spin doctor along.
10 a.m. A man who may or may not have planned on carrying the parking lot guy’s pioneering research stole some gloves and other stuff from a Valley West store, then put on the gloves and stood around outside until he was arrested.
12:35 p.m. At the same store, a man in the grips of severe, self-induced state of drunkenality wore pajama pants and a green jacket as he yelled at passersby. Deemed publicly drunk and a fashion tragedy, he was arrested.
12:48 p.m. A heated family argument – with yelling, of course – resulted in a lad getting his hand slapped by his uncle.
2:42 p.m. The woman outside a Valley West store where everything’s a dollar may have had a super-great reason for putting that belt around a man’s neck, and for that matter removing it. Police arrested someone involved.
3:02 p.m. Yelling. Doesn’t it make every part of your house just that much more gracious and enjoyable? A man at an Alliance Road apartment complex not unfamiliar to police repurposed his porch as a yelly pulpit, regaling the neighbors with delirious peals.
3:45 p.m. It might have been the same ostentatious orator or a copycat crooner, but some guy at the same high-density facility took to screaming obscenities off his balcony. Possibly stymied by which outfit was best suited to the occasion, he didn’t bother wearing clothes. And was arrested.
5:58 p.m. An erratic-acting man who’d managed to trap himself inside the rickety cyclone-fence “soil corral” outside an I Street cooperative supermarket eventually extracted himself from the confounding cage, only to wander up the street in search of less challenging entanglements.
6:24 p.m. One shoplifter’s confident saunter out the front door of a Uniontown supermarket accelerated into a panicky prance, then a desperate gallop as he beelined toward a pickup truck in the parking lot bearing a burgeoning basket of unpaid-for groceries. The thief’s signature features – facial hair and a hoodie – may aid in his eventual apprehension.
8:19 p.m. Possibly burning with despair over the landscape of human perfidy it must continually navigate, a car’s headlight spontaneously burst into flame at a no-budget Valley West motel.
8:37 p.m. A shipping company sniffed out some narcotics in a package, and handed it over to the cops in the back parking lot.
10:14 p.m. In a paean to the suave, swaggering street toughs of yesteryear, an aspiring badass impressed patrons at a Valley West golden arches with his curly black tresses, Fonz-like leather jacket and a metal object of some sort, which looked like it was supposed to be a slingshot. Having established his street suavé, he was moved along.
• Thursday, February 23 1 a.m. A man caught taking the screen off of a window of an apartment on Alliance Road explained that he was “visiting a friend” (because apparently the custom among his friendship circle is 1 a.m. screen removals) then ran off.
7:23 a.m. A man on E Street accused a woman of taking $3.85 out of his pants pockets.
9:07 a.m. Someone reported multiple branches stolen from trees in various downtown locations.
12:37 p.m. A woman reported an attempted strangulation and rape, then being struck in the back near her ribs by someone she had considered a friend.
2:35 p.m. A man downtown was reported “bothering real estate agents,” a new and hitherto undocumented crusade.
3:39 p.m. Even more narrowly focused was the harassment campaign against a Nepalese craft vendor downtown.
4:47 p.m. So awe-inspiring was the exhaust roar from a Boyd Road man’s vehicle that it made an apartment building shudder, but not with delight.
• Friday, February 24 7:33 a.m. A menacing figure standing next to the pumps at a Valley West gas station radiated sufficient creep-out factors to make customers uneasy, with one patron foregoing a fill-up altogether so as not to be in the weirdo’s presence.
11:39 a.m. After a Facebook argument, an Alliance Road woman said her neighbor forced her way into her apartment.
12:07 p.m. A woman was reportedly “held hostage” inside a man’s vehicle. She declined medical treatment for the marks on her wrists.
6:38 p.m. A brown cow escaped its pasture at 17th and Q streets via a hole in the fence, but the follow-through wasn’t well thought out – the roving bovine ran out of ideas and just stood in the roadway, posing a traffic hazard.
• Saturday, February 25 2:27 a.m. The ineffectual cow uprising spread like mildfire to Samoa Boulevard between Union Street and Crescent Way, where a future Arby’s menu item briefly lingered in the roadway.
• Sunday, February 26 12:44 a.m. A spirited soirée on Beverly Drive featured two women fighting out in the street. Following a cessation of hostilities, they went back in the house although neighbors continued to complain. Police came and cited the host.
• Monday, February 27 3:33 p.m. A guy on I Street asked someone to help him use jumper cables on a car’s battery. But it was far from clear that he owned the car or even had a driver’s license, since he couldn’t produce proof of either, and wandered off.
4:19 p.m. “I’m hearing voices,” a man declared at a Plaza business. “Can you call the police?” This was done, and he was arrested on a public drunkenness charge.
4:50 a.m. After a preliminary bout of palate-cleansing, business-befouling vomiting in the bushes at a Samoa Boulevard business, occupants of a white van prepared to set up camp.
• Tuesday, February 28 4:50 a.m. After a preliminary bout of palate-cleansing, business-befouling vomiting in the bushes at a Samoa Boulevard business, occupants of a white van prepared to set up camp.
10:02 a.m. One of Arcata’s freestyling messianic figures stood around on I Street, the spritual force projected by his holy robes somewhat tempered by the open alcohol container from which the street messiah guzzled, his blunders to behold.
• Wednesday, March 1 2:54 a.m. A woman was caught on security camera moving hoses at a Valley West motel.
7:25 a.m. A man at a 13th Street store proved incapable of using the bathroom without drama. He broke the sink, kicked some pipes and then got into a wholly unnecessary argument with employees.
3:04 p.m. A pedestrian-blocking day camp at 18th and G streets featured a beanbag chair, on which a man snuggled under a blanket.
Thursday, March 2 9:19 a.m. A large bay brown draft, a bay thoåroughbred quarterhorse mix and a “little” horse were found humanless at Jacoby Creek and Old Arcata roads, and held in an arena pending location of their owner(s).
4:48 p.m. Two dogs that were chained together ran loose on Frederick Avenue.