• Tuesday, June 18 6:04 p.m. Threats exuding from a hirsute man-like creature on the Plaza ran as dense and unruly as his luxuriant “full beard.”
6:49 p.m. A pedestrian actually complained about the free beer shower with which she was gifted while walking up G Street on the Plaza. Given the range of abuses to which Arcata’s battle-hardened innocent passersby are subjected, some would consider this thirst-slaking splatterment a feature, not a bug.
• Thursday, June 20 4:04 a.m. A man in the throes of liquorific inspiration busied himself striking various surfaces with a broom on I Street. He was arrested on a public drunkenness charge.
11:59 a.m. Someone clambered into a boat stored on Fifth Street through a top hatch and stole, among other things, a handgun.
12:58 p.m. After medication was stolen out of a Golf Course Road mailbox, it was discovered on the grounds of an Old Arcata Road school and returned to the owner, along with some mail and a cell phone of mysterious provenance.
2:01 p.m. Whatever insalubrious substance it was that the three druggies sitting on the steps of an F Street apartment building were self-administering, the procedure required use of aluminum foil and a needle.
2:24 p.m. A panhandling backpacker – panhacker, backhandler, panbackler? – on F Street augmented his appeals with lighting napkins on fire. Police tamped down his dazzling pyrotechnic display.
3:25 p.m. Someone on the Plaza opened their car door and it doinked into an adjacent vehicle, causing the doinkee to argue and spit upon the careless door-opener.
3:48 p.m. Told he wasn’t welcome at a Uniontown variety store, a dreadlocked man nonetheless entered, he and his dog sauntering right past the manager in a bold, short-lived campaign of defiance against authority.
• Friday, June 21 10:32 a.m. A person illegally camping in the Arcata Community Forest reported the theft from their camp of a purse, computer, cell phones and chainsaw.
3:52 p.m. A red-bearded man somehow got hold of a PG&E hard hat and pretended that he was “reading meters” on Sunset Avenue. But the only thing a concerned resident saw him examining was a water meter, which is a noticeably different substance than gas or electricity, and one not provided by PG&E. He didn’t have any credentials, wasn’t driving a company vehicle and on calling to the utility, the neighbor was told that no company workers were in the area. So all in all the whole mad charade was little more than the world’s dullest, worst-attended cosplay convention.
7:58 p.m. After she and hubby argued, Mrs. Wife was worried that Mr. Hubster would vandalize their car to prove a point.
• Saturday, June 22 1:52 p.m. Following a warm-up argument, three dwellers at Arcata’s premier signholding corner, H Street at Samoa Boulevard, got into a serious wrangle-tangle over who had the right to beg there. Flung bottles of alcohol were used to establish territorial primacy.
4:52 p.m. When someone wouldn’t stop knocking on an F Street roommate’s bedroom door, he went out into the living room to pick up a knife and confront the knocker. There, he said, a roommate tackled him, punched him in the face and choked him. As the living roomers continued to threaten him, his response was to pick up a chair and slam it on the floor. All of this merriment led to a call to police and a request for an officer to meet the beleaguered roommate out at a Westwood coffee house.
10:30 p.m. A woman at Fifth and H streets complained that a baseball-capped man was harassing her, and had escalated matters as far as hurling a glass of deadly dihydrogen monoxide at her.
• Sunday, June 23 1:51 a.m. A villain in a black hat and shirt brazenly peed on the sidewalk at Ninth and I streets, then appeared to be getting ready to drive under the influence.
2:02 a.m. A man in a black hat and matching clothing stole an armload of energy drinks and ice cream and then headed off on a bicycle toward Samoa Boulevard.
8:29 p.m. A woman wasn’t pleased that a man had his dog with him inside a Westwood supermarket. In response, she whipped out her pepper spray but rather than use it, merely pointed to it. This highlighted its potential for inflicting punishing agony but in a larger sense, for bending others to do her will via application of noxious gas.
• Monday, June 24 6:24 a.m. The thought process that goes into leaving one’s wallet overnight in a car on Valley East Boulevard the first night after it had been burgled and spare keys taken isn’t well understood, as it exceeds science’s present capapbilities. Sensing more fungible nuggets contained therein, the area’s ever-ready slithy tove army returned and actually moved the vehicle from a parking place out into the street to more thoroughly scour it of any valuables, including the wallet and some change.
9:51 a.m. An iPad left on the Plaza during the Farmers Market also went away, destination unknown.
3:31 p.m. Two men making it their mission to strew garbage about under a Valley West Boulevard tree did not take well a passerby’s criticism of their landscaping efforts. It gives us no joy to report that, to be frank, harsh words were exchanged. Police moved the tree trashers along.
4:31 p.m. Such is the enigma of garbage that when it is unwanted, it is dumped in a globally famed, sustainably managed redwood forest’s 14th Street parking lot...
4:35 p.m. ...And yet this bewitching substance is also so sought after that a G Street business has to call police in to extract a dumpster spelunker from burrowing around in its waste products. Couldn’t something synergistic be worked out beween the forest dumpers and the trash bin miner?
5:32 p.m. A woman in a checkered shirt and hair in a bun made off with items from the wellness department of a 13th Street store. Perhaps the healing nostrums will detoxify her larcenous soul.
11:24 p.m. A man bunked for the night on the Community Center’s west side showed little interest in the sprinklers which had already soaked his sleeping bag.
• Tuesday, June 25 6:20 a.m. Firefighters and police responded to the top of Trail 3 in the community forest, where once again, a camper had built a fire inside a goosepen stump.
12:18 p.m. A field to the rear of a Giuntoli Lane store has become the latest unofficial and unregulated dog park, resulting in inevitable negative interactions between romping pooches, owners and passersby.
1:27 p.m. When a behoodied baddie threw garbage into the street at an F Street bus stop, an alert citizen picked up the trash and threw it back in his lap. And the argument was on.
7:56 p.m. A dog and parrot appeared to be in distress in a gold van at 11th and J streets.
• Wednesday, June 26 5:21 a.m. What do short, chunky, bespectacled bald guys in gray hoodies do at 5:21 a.m.? In answer to that eternal question, at least one so-configured specimen busied himself peering into the bedroom window of a woman on Fourth Street.
6:22 a.m. Three baby llamas strolled down Wyatt Lane.
8:40 a.m. At a downtown oldsters’ home, someone stole the valve off a guy’s oxygen tank.
9:36 a.m. After extracting all the refuse from a Valley West dumpster, a man sat inside it, talking to himself.
11:36 a.m. Two young folks in an Eighth Street resident’s yard were shooting a YouTube video and didn’t know it was private property.
12:33 p.m. Police were asked to disperse a large crowd of people and goats teeming at the Diamond Drive entrance to Redwood Park. But when they got there, the burly herd had evanesced.
1:05 a.m. A Tina Court woman’s purse was stolen from inside her home when she left the door unlocked.
2:30 p.m. A snake slithered about G Street between Fifth and Sixth streets.
2:45 p.m. Outside a Valley West hamburger stand, a woman got into a heated argument with a man who sported a large machete dangling from his beige trousers.
5:11 p.m. Succumbing to the seething, irresistible eroticism projected by the looming Portland Loo just a bottle’s throw away, a male and female lewdly acted in Veterans Memorial Park. Though technically already in motion, they were moved along.
10:35 p.m. A man and woman were seen toting a dresser and the furnishings as they walked along Giuntoli Lane toward Boyd Road.
10:59 p.m. Rather than leave the ER after being treated, a drunk laid down on the ground, wee’d himself and got arrested.
• Thursday, June 27 4 a.m. A woman in Valley West complained of another woman with blonde hair and black pants following her around, trying to light a bottle of booze on fire and throw it, apparently without success. The frustrated fire artist was arrested on a public drunkenness charge.
11:18 a.m. A blonde woman in all black clothing assaulted a parks employee on the Plaza, and was arrested for public drunkenness.
11:47 a.m. A man attempted to reason with a robocaller, telling them eight times to take him off their list. That went not so well.
3 p.m. A Plaza hotel guest parked their large motorcycle within a painted white triangle. Apparently this just isn’t done.
4:11 p.m. Something named “Dustin” was reported threatening people at a Ninth Street business and boasting that he knew where an employee lives.
4:36 p.m. If you thought kayaking in the sewage treatment pond that is Klopp Lake was a bonehead maneuver (see last week’s Union), imagine swimming in the bacteria-laden poo-poo broth. The manure-marinated swimmer was gone when police arrived.
4:41 p.m. A man in all black made a wholly unnecessary fuss at a 10th Street taco truck, then, clad in an “Ultimate” T-shirt, carried a six-pack of beer as he walked southbound on G Stree bellowing racial slurs.
5 p.m. After trying to attack someone at a nearby hardware store, a man clad in all black with a trash bag loomed menacingly in front of a downtown donut shop.
8:17 p.m. A free-lance alternative pharmacist in ripped green pants attempted to sell substances controlled under Health and Safety laws at the transit center.
8:48 p.m. Whatever the utility pole at Fourth and E streets normally smells like, to one aficionado, its fragrance and the sounds it makes had noticeably changed.