• Wednesday, October 7 8:47 a.m. A dashing rake clad in chick-magnet blanket and entirely unnecessary camouflage togs showed something of an affinity for ladies on the Plaza, though the interest was less than mutual.
9:47 a.m. Another predatory playboy followed a woman around a Valley West store, making unwanted body contact.
10:19–10:21 a.m. A she-person being held down in a Sunny Brae yard by her mother and aunt screamed that she couldn’t breathe, triggering calls to police.
10:27 a.m. A woman in a Plaza hotel room notified a man there of her unhappiness with him, at volume levels mere walls could never contain.
11:42 a.m. Someone was concerned about a nephew posting long, nonsensical rants on a popular social media website known as “The Facebook.”
1:30 p.m. A shipment of rings valued at several hundred dollars was misdelivered, and the Post Office couldn’t get them back.
6:54 p.m. A man wearing “clear eyeglasses” rode a bicycle on M Street with what was described as an “unconscious or deceased” female draped over his shoulder. Neither he nor his moribund arm candy were located.
• Thursday, October 8, 2020 7:42–8:30 a.m. A troubled soul in a tank top, shorts and flip-flops argued with himself and threw rocks at various locations along Valley West Boulevard.
11:29 a.m. When a vehicle broke down at the gate of an Aldergrove Road business, blocking trucks from entering or leaving, a woman in a pink sweater removed a duck from the car and walked away.
Noon Some sort of vehicle-based social ecosystem installed itself at the northwest corner of Seventh and I streets, where the mother ship was an SUV with a trailer. About this land barge buzzed a loose squad of bicycle-borne sycophants apparently in the thrall of the assemblage’s alpha male, identified by the totemic Hatchet of Authority dangling from his belt loop.
12:28 a.m. A female caller told police that her mother was threatening to call authorities because she was yelling. And yet, she reasoned, she can’t go to jail for yelling because she is a girl. This and other subjects she related in terms best described as nonsensical.
3:27 p.m. A man stole a wheelbarrow from a Valley West motel, revealing a hitherto unknown association between commercial lodging facilities and farm implements.
• Friday, October 9 11:43 a.m. The “neighborhood cat” on Frederick Avenue was unwell, with labored breathing as it lie on some grass. Someone put an umbrella over the ailing kitty to shade it from the sun.
4:09 p.m. A drunk on P Street talked nonsensically about assassination attempts in himself and his laptop computer. He then said the Mafia required him to kill himself or they’d bomb the police station. Well, that got him arrested.
4:31 p.m. A woman at an 11th Street thrift store wore a face shield but no mask, allowing viral spores to swarm freely about her.
5:40 p.m. A techno-dumbass buzzed his damnable drone around Klopp Lake, annoying the animals and singlehandedly downgrading the wildlife refuge to a toy test range.
7:30 p.m. A woman complained to police that a so-called friend hadn’t returned her cannabis pipe and her daughter’s Dora the Explorer wrap. The department quickly canceled vacations, called in its investigative unit, ordered pizzas delivered to the station, summoned mutual aid and launched a regional interagency task force to track down the missing items. Or not.
8:59 p.m. A motorcyclist and psychic kin to the dastardly drone driver drove his infernal combustion machine on the trail from H Street to the Marsh.
• Saturday, October 10 11:57 p.m. A sag of slumpabouts smoked the dope on H Street, clogging the sidewalk, impairing commerce and countering efforts at local economic recovery.
12:53 p.m. A piano was left in the bike lane at Old Arcata Road and Anderson Lane.
1:35 p.m. A woman with a camouflage backpack stole guests’ clothes from a Valley West motel’s laundry room.
2:22 p.m. After injecting drugs into their bodies at Rotary Park, junkie litterbugs left the needles scattered about on the ground.
5:38 p.m. A Plaza bar’s roof is proving irresistible to a blond-bearded man in a rancid poncho, who keeps clambering up there in answer to some unknown compulsion to reach the sky one tavern at a time.
9:12 p.m. A man complained of returning home to find recording devices, or so he claimed during a call from the emergency room bathroom.
9:56 p.m. Still huddled in the ER toilet, he said someone had followed him from McKinleyville in order to kill him. This was deemed unfounded.
8:58 p.m. A man said he was parked at the parking lot at the end of I Street when a gaggle of toughs kicked his friends and struck their car as they made their escape. Their motivations unclear since Friends of the Marsh hasn’t formed any roving goon squads, one of the rumbustious boyos was bald, though his face was furnished with decorative ink squiggles.
11:35 p.m. A guy navigating Bret Harte Alley was set upon by foul-mouthed, bottle-hurling hoodlums who pepper-sprayed him and stole his keys.
• Sunday, October 11 4:28 a.m. A man with a pink multi-colored backpack attempted to steal things from a Uniontown supermarket, then tried to trip an employee. He was escorted off the grounds.
9:53 p.m. A gray-haired geezer in the middle of the Plaza yelled “CPS!” at a woman and her children until moved along.
• Monday, October 12 1:31 p.m. A Mohawk-hairdo’d man in front of a G Street pizza joint wore no shirt under his overalls as he touched a woman’s leg without consent.
4:14 p.m. As a property owner and a contractor repaired a Golf Course Road rental unit, a man walked up and said that the previous tenant had left a tote full of guns under the home, and he wanted to retrieve them.
7:29 p.m. An “older” man in a beanie was apparently in charge of a shirtless infant on the darkening Plaza, and someone was concerned enough to call police. Weather history for this date and time puts the temperature at 53 degrees. Police couldn’t locate the bad dad or frosty tot.
9:50 p.m. Someone discovered a lit propane torch placed against a home on Janes Road, and the small fire it started was extinguished.
3:41 p.m. A well-beveraged man veered into a Valley West motel’s lobby restroom, then took up some form of semi-permanent habitation there. Negotiations with motel officials, conducted through the bathroom door, proved fruitless. The resolution is unlisted but since he’s not there any more and the incident is listed as “drunk in public,” we can make certain assumptions.
• Tuesday, October 13 12:13 p.m. A man who’d just been roughed up and robbed said two juveniles in Valley West were “baiting” people into a room on promises of drugly goodness, only to deliver a burly buzzkill. This rube was thusly lured around a corner, where four thugs lie in wait. As blows and kicks rained down on his face and ribcage, he was denuded of his hat, cigarettes and some cash. Apart with having to bear the broken dream of drug impairment that wasn’t to be, he really wanted that black hat back.
5:47 a.m. A small collection of debris was found ablaze in the 1200 block of Ninth Street.
1:56 p.m. A woman raving at herself yell-walked down H Street with her naked children.
• Wednesday, October 14 5:34 a.m. A downstairs resident on K Street proposed a slightly counterintuitive solution to the noise his upstairs tenant was making, sharing with him a plan to “bust his head open.” But that policy was scaled back to an also-dumb call to 911 with a non-emergency noise complaint.
2:02 p.m. It’s not clear why a young man was striding about Old Arcata Road at Bayside Cutoff with a sword in hand.
2:27 p.m. A shirtless man entered a Northtown store, rolled around on the floor, then went to a motel next door to bang on some doors.
• Thursday, October 15 2:13 p.m. Someone tried to enter a Valley West Boulevard garage by melting the door handle.
8:46 p.m. One of life’s minor reversals – a malfunctioning washing machine – was all one man needed to max out his last nerve and send him over the edge. The resulting act-out ended his era of access to a Valley West laundromat.
2:22 p.m. In a display of kinship with the Old Arcata Road swordsman, a man sauntered about Valley West with a machete.
• Saturday, October 17 12:08 a.m. An Alliance Road woman’s nemesis wrote “LIAR” on her front door with marking pen, and cut the screen door as well in a case study of ineffectual, childish reprisals for whatever beef they have going on. Next up: a flurry of bogus magazine subscriptions.
5:10 p.m. An Eye Street resident suited up for a bout of backyard bellowing in minimalist garb, consisting only of his undergarments.
• Sunday, October 18 3:43 p.m. A man wore a blue bunny mask as he stuffed liquor into his pockets at a 13th Street store.
• Monday, October 19 10:16 a.m. Two men, a woman and a dog enjoyed a brief garbage-throwing festival on G Street.
12:31 p.m. A downtown mortuary chapel was defaced with graffiti urging random passersby to “GO KILL YOURSELF.” But the business wasn’t interested in building market share via that technique, and covered the unsolicited advice with tape.
2:24 p.m. A machete was stolen from a Ninth Street store.
5:41 p.m. A man walked over the 11th Street freeway bridge with a machete in hand.
• Tuesday, October 20 9:17 a.m. The remains of a possible arson attempt, including gasoline poured on a building, was discovered on South G Street.
• Wednesday, October 21 4:10 a.m. Truck campers looking for free electrons located a source at a 13th Street supermarket. All they had to do was unplug the store’s ice machine and hook up their camper.
• Thursday, October 22 12:45 a.m. An oversharing caller to a tow truck company informed the dispatcher that he and his colleagues had 2 ounces of cannabis in their vehicle, and “drank all the drinks.”