• Sunday, April 4 5:10 a.m. A person on Janes Road screamed for 20 minutes “at the top of their lungs” that s/he wanted to kill themself.
11:55 a.m. An erratic behavior specialist spray-painted a utility box at Samoa Boulevard and H Street, was caught in the act of uglification and cited.
1:09 p.m. Fifth and H streets hosted alternative lifestylers, one of whom shouldered a noisy boom box while wandering about in traffic. The other sat on the corner amid a small constellation of personal possessions.
1:12 p.m. A man in a blue sweater, suffused with life’s exuberance or something, danced in traffic at Seventh and G streets until his happy feet and the rest of the misguided terpsichorean musculoskeletal contraption were moved along.
• Monday, April 5 7:20 a.m. Workers at an Aldergrove Road lumber mill started their work week watching a TV show. It was an episode recorded on security cameras overnight, titled, “Unknown Subject Driving Off With Our Forklift.”
• Tuesday, April 6 4:01 a.m. A Union Street apartment dweller, possibly expelled from the Royal Society for Putting Things on Top of Other Things, founded the New Order of Continuously Dropping Heavy Items and Keeping the Neighbor Awake.
10:38 a.m. A man at a Valley West bus stop wore full, black body armor as he busied himself sharpening knives. Police had a chat with him.
5:17 p.m. A man at a Northtown motel had a very, very bad, no-good day, trying to reserve a room without ID and being turned away. He didn’t have a key to his car, either, and at wit’s end, took to destroying it.
10:14 p.m. An argumentative mask denier was asked to leave a 13th Street store and did. But she came back later to carry on with her foolish mask-not-wearing ways, and refused to leave. Until she did.
• Wednesday, April 7 1:21 p.m. A man in a Heindon Road parking lot bled from the head as he screamed that someone had just stolen his vehicle. A ’90s dark green Camry was seen leaving the scene, piloted by a bald man with glasses.
2:59 p.m. A slender snipe with the leathery face of an outdoorsman in a colorful hoodie took a fistful of pens from a G Street insurance office and threw them mercilessly to the ground outside then stalked off, dirty blonde hair waving in the breeze.
• Thursday, April 8 4:20 p.m. A Plaza businessperson found a fully loaded syringe, turgid with short-term jollitude and long-term despair. She contained its life-altering potential in a glass jar and phoned police to come pick up the hell-hypo.
7:35 p.m. After a man posted videos of himself walking around nude, waving a gun and raving nonsensically about harming himself, then went silent for several days, an associate asked that police check on him.
• Friday, April 9 2:50 a.m. A dumpster spelunker, drunken variety, rooted around in a bin on Fifth Street, tossing items in the air for unknowable drunk person reasons. The troublesome tippler-tosser was taken into custody.
1:18 p.m. A Plaza business discovered that an employee with access to the checkbook had written multiple personal checks and deposited them to their personal account via handy mobile upload.
9:23 p.m. Bad news: a man was sprawled across an Alliance Road sidewalk. Good news: he was breathing.
11:35 p.m. A woman in shorts rollerbladed around the intersection of Samoa Boulevard and H Street, playing solo hockey with a broom.
• Saturday, April 10 2:01 a.m. Nocturnal oven-removal hobbyists attempted to wrench the range from its moorings in a Foster Avenue apartment building, shaking the walls. A sleepless neighbor also reported the oven crew “running up and down the apartment.”
9:01 a.m. Easy come, easy go: An E Streeter somehow got a sweet free bicycle – a 20-inch white BMX girl’s bike with pink rims and spokes, with “Angel” inscribed on the handlebars. He asked a neighbor to store the bike, and the neighbor agreed to do so – then gave it away.
• Monday, April 12 10:42 a.m. A bag of quarters and some other items made a hearty haul for a doorhandle tryer on East California Avenue who opened the statistically inevitable unlocked car door. Some of the car’s contents were dumped down the road.
12:03 p.m. As a man napped in his home near 10th and O streets, a roommate saw a guy load his orange Kona bike in a car and drive off with it.
1:58 p.m. A drunk with issues imposed a range of torments on a West End Road resident, beginning by entering the property and attempting combat with a resident. Next, he basted a mailbox with a bottle of liquor, kicked over a garbage can and threatened to slit the family dog’s throat. These pleasantries delivered, he staggered off toward a freeway overpass until police caught up with him and made a drunk in public arrest.
Inside a Stewart Avenue truck
A drummer was pushing his luck
His libertine tapping
Like amplified fapping
Drew scorn in a world walked amok
• Tuesday, April 13 11:36 a.m. Moving out is hard enough, and even harder when your soon-to-be ex-roommate is sauntering around the house with a big, black hunting knife babbling nonsensically about your having implanted a microchip in his mouth.
11:46 a.m. A shirtless woman in a tan bra and black leggings busied herself in a G Street parking lot hitting golf balls at cars with a golf club. When that grew tiresome, she went out in the street and swung directly at cars with the club.