• Wednesday, June 23 6:24 a.m. “So there is a girl living at that apartment that is not exposed to be living there. And she has been fighting people, walking around drunk, walking around with alcohol in her hand, walking around smoking weed, walking around with a bong and also she just yells a lot in that apartment and she doesn’t live there. She has made multiple issues with other minors at the Humboldt plaza apartments as well. And I did not want the people that live in the apartments to get in trouble with the Humboldt Plaza apartments so I ask APD to get her out for there will be no more issues with the kids. And with in the last 4 days she been staying there cops went to the house 2 times because of the problems she caused. And there can not be people living in the apartment that are not supposed to be living there because the apartments do not have the girls now down for living there. So can you guys please find her homework somewhere else she can go for there are no more problems and for the people that actually live there will not get in trouble and kicked out of the apartments. I just want the apartment owner to have a home and my kids to be able to sleep at night because that can’t with that loud trouble making kid over there. Please and thank you.”
2:01 p.m. A woman who had just lost her husband made some sort of parking error on the Plaza. This set off the highly excitable staff of a nearby H Street business, who charged out, rhetorical guns blazing, and huffily admonished the bereaved woman for the trivial misdeed.
4:42 p.m. An inky-faced man at 14th and G streets repeatedly pulled his pants down, which didn’t inhibit his agility in terms of dancing around a pole and emanating majorly goofazoid vibes.
7:06 p.m. Still another dispute over dogshit disposition pitted man against man, with hurtful words exchanged.
• Thursday, June 24 5:29 p.m. At Sixth and J streets, a garden hose had been attached to the exhaust pipe of a car, the tube delivering smog to a nearby shed for purposes unknown.
• Friday, June 25 1:33 p.m. Privileged Diamond Drive residents were said to be placing orange traffic cones on the public roadway, reserving parking spaces for themselves.
• Saturday, June 26 1:33 a.m. A car was driven, loosely defined, in such erratic fashion that a Westwood resident could hear how bad the driving was. After bottoming out on Stewart Avenue, the car cast off chunks of itself like a reptile shedding body parts to elude a pursuer. The earwitness went outside to behold a trail of motor oil and strewage, which he made an effort to clean up so as to prevent a collision.
1:28 p.m. A man boasting neck illustrations and a goatee screamed at and “flashed” passing cars at 11th and H streets until uniformed buzzkill specialists moved him along.
• Sunday, June 27 12:08 p.m. A spectral sprite in orange and blue tie dye with a Grateful Dead hat sparked entirely pointless arguments with G Street theatre patrons. When confronted, he refused to leave and “flashed” anyone unfortunate enough to be looking his way.
2:39 p.m. A Pride flag was burned and a tree chopped down in a community garden at 18th and H streets, provoking a huge backlash and City Council action.
• Monday, June 28 8:43 a.m. Valley West Boulevard street trailer residents were unabashed about heading straight for the breakfast bar at a nearby hotel, which isn’t intended as a neighborhood feeding station.
11:27 a.m. A woman out on a walk without her phone – apparently such a thing is possible – found a syringe under the Stewart Park play structure. Worried about children coming into contact with the naked needle, she placed it on top of the black garbage can there.
4:03 p.m. A 10th Street resident saw a man “on his lawn with a beard.” The blundering beardo was further said to be tearing at his hair with his pants down. He and his beard were soon arrested for public drunkenness.
• Wednesday, June 30 12:30 p.m. A woman in black jeans and sweatshirt was out front of a Sunny Brae middle school, trying to get into parents’ cars as they entered the parking lot. She was arrested for public drunkenness.
1:57 p.m. What Caltrans can repair – in this case the freeway fence at 16th and F streets – can also be easily undone, with a lock broken off by a man piloting a tricycle.