• Friday, August 13 6:54 a.m. An electron vampire plugged his devices onto a nitwit-riddled Mad River Parkway East store’s front entrance outlets and refused to disconnect his techno-umbilicals from the corporate electro-teat.
12:17 p.m. A man reported a strong-arm robbery on 10th Street two days previous, which left visible injuries to his face and elsewhere. The robbers took his Moroccan basket, some food, plus his dentures, harmonicas, knife and shoes.
2:17 p.m. Car campers at Sixth and I streets resolved issues about their legal status by simply peeling the orange APD sticker off their license plate-less vehicle. Problem solved.
3:34 p.m. Creative problem solving also marked a neighborly dispute over plants in McCallum Circle, with the murder of one of the disputants hastily proposed.
• Saturday, August 14 3 a.m. Whatever that giant animal rooting around by the trash cans at L.K. Wood Boulevard and Hidden Creek Road was, it galloped away toward California Avenue. The resident was advised to bring in any pets, lest they be converted to calories by the unknown beast.
9:27 a.m. Between entertaining the many and frequent guests at their mobile domicile, motorhome campers on K Street contrived an innovative solution to disposing of their fecal matter – hurling it into the street.
• Sunday, August 15 10:31 a.m. As a Fifth Street business owner attempted to trim his hedges, a volunteer landscaper appeared and took to battering the shrubs with his large machete. Police moved the unwanted blade-wielding weirdling wingman along.
2:06 p.m. A short, bald, long-bearded man addressed requests that he wear a mask at a Westwood Village store by offering to put an employee to death. The killing would presumably be followed by a leisurely, mask-free shopping experience marred only by having to steer the cart around the crumpled corpse of the mask-requesting worker.
8:39 p.m. A family in crisis turned up in a Valley West motel’s laundry room, where a drunken mother spoke nonsensically as her two girls cried while their dog, cat and three birds awaited some improvement in conditions.
• Tuesday, August 17 2:47 p.m. Cat turned against cat on 10th Street, and for not the first time.
5:56 p.m. Van residents moved in for an extended stay at the Marsh Interpretive Center parking lot, enhancing others’ wildlife appreciation experience with flung trash and loud, loud music.
8:37 p.m. A Bayside Court resident generously allowed an acquaintance to stay the night at his home, giving the man keys to his house and car. The houseguest proceeded to refuse to leave, frequently using the car as if it was his own and making changes to his benefactor’s bank account.
• Wednesday, August 18 1:27 p.m. A man just released from San Quentin contacted a woman’s niece, advocating that they rendezvous in Arcata and smoke some drugs. The agonized auntie was concerned for the girl’s safety.
1:35 p.m. Someone had a $300 feast of hearty noms delivered, using an Aloha Way resident’s credit card.
2 p.m. The slobby panhandlers and surrounding debris field at Samoa Boulevard and H Street generated another futile complaint.
3:55 p.m. There being no loincloth available, a drunken signholder clad only in shorts at Samoa Boulevard and H Street got a little too frisky around the cars waiting at the stoplight and involuntarily enduring his hot pants explosion, and was arrested.
9:15 p.m. A man ran north on H Street, yelling “Call 911!” as another man chased him on a bicycle.
9:33 p.m. Two men, one on a bicycle, continued to argue their way northward on H Street.
9:34 p.m. Two vehicles – a van and a sports car – toyed with rock ’em sock ’em robots-like aggression maneuvers against each other in Sandra Court.
• Friday, August 20 5:36 a.m. The sleepy shire of Sunny Brae was rudely awakened by a man outside a Beverly Drive house yelling and asking for drugs.
A minstrel at 13th and G
Who played and sang so lustily
With guitar strings a-ringin’
And dreadlocks all swingin’
Was asked to do so quietly
12:42 p.m. The children’s section of the library was briefly inhabited by a non-child with a shaven head and beard who refused to wear a mask or leave. The situation was as unpleasant as it was unsustainable, with the interloper encouraged to move to that undefined location, “along.”
6:46 p.m. A woman at a Valley West apartment complex was reported using a banned rodenticide, indiscriminately spreading it around within easy reach of children, even infants, and the many animals on the property. She freely admitted to using what she knew was using an illegal substance, according to a witness.
11:15 p.m. A iPhone 7 stolen from the Skate Park now tracked to a footpath near 27th Street, where a black SUV with someone sleeping inside was parked. Police couldn’t locate the vehicle.
• Saturday, August 21 1:28 a.m. Something named “Zeke,” resplendent in hoodie and stocking cap, battled another sidewalk gladiator who sported a “chinstrap beard” outside a near-Plaza club. In the mini-melee, the bar’s front window was broken, adding another needless and costly expense to the business survival challenge.
12:55 p.m. A bear made an appearance at the intersection of Trails 6 and 11 in the Arcata Community Forest.