• Monday, April 15 1:25 a.m. When an E Street woman screamed that she didn’t have any food, neighbors concerned for her well-being and/or doing anything necessary to get her to STFU at this hour offered the needed noms. This nutritional outreach was rewarded with threats to stab her mentors with a fork.
8 a.m. A dismissed employee didn’t wait to pick up his final paycheck before going into Popiel Super-HarassoMatic™ mode, dispatching a flurry of abusive text messages to former co-workers.
• Tuesday, April 16 12:47 a.m. Most people don’t need narcotics to navigate a car wash. Most.
3:04 a.m. A man-like creature at 13th and I streets yelled and flailed his arms about, engaging in a spirited bout of fisticuffs with whatever was available for pummeling, in this case a trash can not known to have created offense.
1:52 p.m. Roosters have been cock-a-doodle-dooing on the Arcata Bottom for nearly 17 decades. But a cocky resident of Wisteria Way found the chronic iconic bucolic sonic harmonic less than euphonic. Ironic.
2:40 p.m. A man on Boyd Road wallowed in gravel, occasionally sitting up and then lying back down.
2:42 p.m. A bald-headed man bothered a Valley West restaurant as his quasi-gal pal reposed on a nearby lawn.
2:48 p.m. After a bout of drinking, a man behind some Samoa Boulevard apartments dismounted his wheelchair and rolled around in a puddle of oil, as one does.
• Wednesday, April 17 11:12 a.m. A woman went down to the library to print out a picture of her dog.
12:08 p.m. A man serenaded the barren wasteland behind a Uniontown shopping center and the whooshing, uncaring freeway with awesome beats on plastic bottles and buckets. So into the pvcussion was the desolate drummer that he didn’t respond to desperate appeals by nearby restaurant employees to cease the damn clattering why don’tcha?
1:25–1:31 p.m. Two citizens reported a bold, daylight bicycle theft when a dude in need of wheels brazenly lifted a bike off someone’s Subaru at the Ball Park, then rode off.
3:06 p.m. What better place to savor-guzzle (suzzle!) a bottle of cinnamon-flavored whiskey than the stately, spittle-pocked remove of the transit center’s back patio?
5:31 p.m. Clusters of accursed consonants commingled with airborne globules of saliva as 11th Streeters clashed loudly over some kinda burly blah-blee-blah. After 10 to 15 minutes of this, a neighbor called police...
5:33 p.m. ...as did one of the bickerers, who said his neighborly nemesis, provoked by being asked to keep his dogs quiet, was yelling at him from across the street. “I’ll drop you!” declared the douchebaggian doggerel dispenser.
8:28 p.m. An Airstream Avenue resident reported a weirdling knocking on her door “looking for a friend,” then crawling under a neighbor’s home.
• Thursday, April 18 2:59 p.m. After urinating into a cup inside an artisanal café on the Plaza, a man wandered out onto the patio – possibly to get a brief respite from being in the sort of establishment where people might pee into containers – and then came back inside.
• Friday, April 19 10:33 a.m. A woman went into a Uniontown variety store, sat down on the floor near the end of Aisle 11, spread out her drug-taking apparatus, and wept.
12:01 p.m. A camper in Sunny Brae Park built a campsite inside a tree.
12:40 p.m. A Sunny Brae middle school’s hall bathroom hosted a wandering raccoon.
12:56 p.m. Despite the close proximity of an artisanal café in which he might have done his wee business, a cowboy-hatted man with a gray mustache whizzed upon Veterans Park, then sauntered towards the Plaza.
5:04 p.m. A pet carrier with a cat inside fell out of an unknown vehicle and into the eastbound lane of Samoa Boulevard near K Street.
11:04 p.m. A Uniontown supermarket employee chased a shoplifter across the parking lot and eastbound on Seventh Street, catching up to him on the freeway overpass. There, the thief confronted the employee with a knife, only to be arrested.
• Saturday, April 20 10:47 a.m. A family of ducks wandered down the freeway near the Humboldt Bay Trail North, eventually receiving a police escort as they wandered off the asphalt and back into the wetland.
• Sunday, April 21 8:56 a.m. A man out front of a Plaza bar busied himself shooting tennis balls at people with some sort of air gun.
4:51 p.m. “Three to four women” (how does one need to make such a crude estimation of this few individuals?) were reported stripping their clothes off in the Redwood Park meadow, of course right next to the children’s playground. “The females have a pole and two are almost naked,” according to the narrative.
• Monday, April 22 1:50 a.m. A criminal mastermind with underdeveloped risk-benefit assessment skillz flashed a silver handgun at an Alliance Road stop ’n’ rob, implicitly threatening to end a wage earner’s life and risking felony prosecution and imprisonment in order to obtain a coupla packsa smokes.
2:53 p.m. A man sat in the gazebo in the lobby of an historic Plaza storehouse with a stick in his hand, attempting to remove his shirt with use of the stick. Regardless of whether that operation was consummated, the stick figure may now count among his life attainments creating a sentence never said before in the history of the universe.
4 p.m. An unknown opportunivore on Roberts Way espied a black and yellow electric drill and took it, leaving behind by way of compensation some garbage and a pair of children’s jeans.
7:10 p.m. A cocktail-addled hangabout positioned himself in front of a downtown donuteria, harassing some passersby and following others based on abstruse criteria. Uncannily, the one-dolt abuse dispenser appeared as a disembodied torso in a gray sweatshirt hovering over tattooed calves, though that could have been due to the concealment powers of his camouflage shorts.
• Tuesday, April 23 11:28 a.m. Unless the stick-wielding figure from three items back has diversified expertise in bizarro buffoonery, it was a different bandanna-emboldened loafabout who lingered at Ninth and H streets, “air humping” a fire hydrant.
11:43 a.m. A lodger in a Valley West motel room turned out to be deceased. The coroner was summoned.
11:55 a.m. A meals-on-wheels delivery driver discovered a client deceased. Again the coroner was called.
6:55 p.m. An alcohol-inspired motorist’s creative driving resulted in multiple collisions into parked vehicles on J Street between Ninth and 10th streets, but just one arrest.
9:09 p.m. The coroner really earned his salary during this pay period.
• Wednesday April 24 Midnight A lad on Wisteria Way made nonsensical statements, and his mom was understandably concerned.
12:22 a.m. A woman in a Valley West garage screamed nonsensically, then, heeding whatever unknown forces guided her gibberish-driven journey, settled down.
1:10 a.m. The garage gibberator erupted again and at maximum volume, in keeping with tradition.
2:59 a.m. An urban camper eschewed the usual haunts such as freeway overpasses, store entryways and random backyards ,and set up camp in a hospital hallway. Police were called to deal with the sleeping bag-ensnuggled sleeper outside the X-ray department.
10:33 a.m. Despite the field trial being an uncontrolled sample of one, science now tells us with some confidence that leaving a backpack containing medicine and other valuables in an unlocked car at a Valley West golden arches will result in regret and tedious insurance reports that require a case number.
3:03 p.m. Patrons of a Valley West drug house demonstrated impatience with convention by leaving boring, old school walkways and sidewalks unused, instead burrowing right through the damn fence to get to an adjacent property.
6 p.m. A frenzied nimrod in a purple shirt and black shorts darted about out front of a Valley West motel, zooming on and off the motel’s grounds, yelling at passersby (always mandatory) and running in and out of traffic. Police couldn’t find him...
6:38 p.m. ...probably because they didn’t inspect the front area of a nearby oriental buffet, where he was busy pestering the clientele in nonviolent but decidedly violet fashion. At last the empurpled people-bleater was arrested.