• Thursday, October 22 8:50 a.m. An overeager job applicant or burglar busted the door handle off a 16th Street employment agency’s front door, botching that crucial first impression and severely denting any prospects for gainful employment.
10:10 a.m. Occupants of a residential trailer parked at the school bus stop at Aldergrove Road and Pepperwood Lane redecorated the landscape with an edgy, post-modern shit and piss overlay.
7:14 p.m. An Iverson Avenue used available surfaces in a demented percussion quest. He broke some car windows, then banged on a door in a cacophonous solo symphony. The performance brought a withering rebuke in the form of someone’s yelling girlfriend.
22:01 p.m. A spontaneous obnoxiousness festival blossomed in an O Street parking lot, with mouth-breathing brutes crudely piloting two white trucks for hyuk-hyuk-snort purposes. What a time they had, gleefully blasting music, busting stuff up and using up the atmosphere’s remaining oxygen to spin donuts in their roaring dino-mobiles.
• Friday, October 23 8:34 p.m. An E Street resident said there was stuff coming out of his arm, and that there was an invisible man in his apartment.
10:16 a.m. Someone wrote an inappropriate “love letter” to a Plaza shop worker, and had some sort of hissysnit inside the business.
11:37 a.m.–12:17 p.m. A maskless man ran in and out of a Valley West restaurant for a while, then plopped down and refused to leave, but then did.
5:20 p.m. Ignoring signs prohibiting boating in Klopp Lake, two canoe enthusiasts set sail for some brownwater rafting in the wildlife sanctuary’s famed partially treated sewage pond, perhaps to better behold the also-banned drones buzzing overhead while paddling through the fecal coliform sump.
11:34 p.m. The E Streeter was still dealing with his leaky arm, and demanded that police come and take away that pesky invisible man.
• Saturday, October 24 12:31 a.m. “You’re not taking my child now, at midnight!” said a woman in the hospital parking lot shortly before striking a man, getting into a car and driving away.
2:16 a.m. A man suffused with gratitude for the local gendarmerie gushed to a dispatcher that APD “rocks,” and that he appreciates all they do. He was pleased with how the department had handled his “rough night,” noting officers’ well-practiced skills in saving people from their own boneheadery.
• Sunday, October 25 9:49 a.m. A delivered package was stolen off a Northtown front porch, such thefts being regularly aided by thoughtless delivery personnel who negligently leave the box in public view or even out on the walkway rather than place it out of sight behind the doorway wall.
11:03 p.m. A pregnant woman was found passed out and twitching behind the wheel of an SUV at Ninth and G streets. She was arrested on a DUI charge.
• Monday, October 26 9:49 a.m. Someone walking in Carlson Park by the mighty Mad River reported the area dotted with camper encrapments.
8:02 p.m. After her son returned a woman’s car key’s, he went and played the circuit breaker box like an arcade game, turning power on and off to her and her neighbor’s apartments. Another confounding note was added by a she-person outside her window, babbling nonsensically and referring to the woman by her mother’s name.
11:53 p.m. Clang, clang, clang went the... well it probably wasn’t a trolley, but some sort of metal out behind a Northtown motel.
• Tuesday, October 27 12:19 a.m. Out Valley West way, another goofball-befestered motel was jarred by the all-too-familiar sounds of yelling and slamming. And really, what has that ever accomplished?
9:28 a.m. A census taker didn’t return the cell phone they had been issued.
1:20 p.m. An Iverson Avenue resident reported a skunk having ambled through her yard the previous night.
2:30 p.m. After an H Street resident cut down a tree, an aggrieved neighbor addressed the matter via the most popular, if ineffectual means possible: yelling and screaming out the window.
11:40 p.m. The previous night’s back-of-motel clanging in Northtown adopted a new timbre, that of clanking, offering much-needed variety to the annals of annoyance, but also a distinction without a difference.
• Wednesday, October 28 9:59 a.m. One of the curmudgeonly crowbait codgers who hold forth at the little tables outside a Sunny Brae supermarket, glomming onto the store’s wi-fi to peruse websites that fuel their outrage at the sorry state of the rest of the humanoid race, got all gibbered up and started masklessly harassing passersby with angry grunts and barks amid a fog of potential coronavirus spores. After piling up the table with litter, he ambled off across the street bearing coffee and a bamboo stick.
11:01 p.m. A door-slamming party at 11th and A streets annoyed neighbors as it passed the two-hour mark.
• Thursday, October 29 12:42 a.m. Who needs headphones to listen to your so-called music when you have a speaker to serenade you as you pick through a Valley West apartment building’s dumpster in the middle of the night while wearing a baseball cap?
• Friday, October 30 6:06 p.m. A drunken woman systematically destroyed a chair on Ninth Street, and was arrested.
6:56 p.m. On Valley West Boulevard, a 16-year-old girl reportedly posted on various social media that she was taking Molly and Xanax, and wanted advice. Here’s some: stop doing that.
7:07 p.m. On 16th Street, social media enthusiasts posted photos of themselves taking Xanax and drinking Jack Daniels, easing the transition to their upcoming chronic vegetative state.
11:25 p.m. After complaining about her friends stealing her property and intimidating her, an L.K. Wood Boulevard woman regaled a dispatcher with profiles of selected residents of Sugar City, Idaho.
• Halloween 2:15 p.m. If the person who threw a walker through a window and broke into a stripped building on L.K. Wood Boulevard had planned to burglarize the place, he hit a dry hole, as the interior had been gutted.
• Sunday, November 10:07 a.m. Hunters blasted birds out of the sky in or near the wildlife/drone sanctuary, where the feathered pickin’s are easy.
• Monday, November 2 9:14 a.m. A Sheriff’s Office sweep of the Mad River Parkway area that’s in county jurisdiction six weeks ago has worn off, with the area again frequented by trash-flinging tree-cutter-downers.
• Election Day 10:31 a.m. A patient with a pharmacy-size load of street drugs turned up at the ER, and police were asked to come pick it all up since they have all the meds they need.
• Wednesday, November 4 6:58 a.m. Someone dropped a rental trailer off in a Zelia Court resident’s driveway, leaving a key on her car’s windshield.
10:11 a.m. Trying to be nice about it didn’t get him anywhere, well according to his version.
11:20 a.m. For not the first time, someone was concerned about the woman who reposes barefoot under a thin blanket at 14th and G streets next to a ramshackle altar of beverage cups and other debris.
11:47 a.m. She dutifully locked the bike up in front of the Uniontown supermarket, and returned to find only the remains of the cut lock.
12:49 p.m. A twenty-something in need of marketing classes harassed women to buy or sell drugs at 14th and G streets while roaming in and out of traffic in a stupor.
9:47 p.m. After 20 minutes of wailed profanities across from Valley West’s premier lodging facility, the novelty wore off.
11:30 p.m. A security cam revealed someone slumbering on the balcony of a G Street office, where residoo-doo is frequently deposited.
• Thursday, November 5 2:47 a.m. A man said he heard his name spoken over a loudspeaker on the Plaza, where there’s not a loudspeaker. He also shared his knowledge of APD’s plans to kidnap and torture him.
3:37 a.m. A man was heard yelling “Get off me!” near a defunct Valley West cannabis clinic.
3:57 a.m. A man was seen “stabbing the Earth” with a knife on G Street, and if it could, Earth would likely yell, “Get off me!”
9:53 a.m. No-account llamas ran in and out of traffic at Foster Avenue and Q Street.
Noon After a guest at a budget Valley West motel tried to enter other guests’ rooms with his pants down, he was banished on pain of trespantsing.
7:33 p.m. A dog bled from the neck after being bitten by a pit bull in the Community Forest.
• Friday, November 6 1:31 a.m. A man with black garbage bags hanging from his neck walked around with a loud stereo in Valley West.